posting this just to let yall know more about kreton and his personality...in alieses (main character) eyes atleast.
And tho i improved the action of the last excerpt as i was advised i wanted to try to show the inferiority of humans in thelorians eyes through the dialogue between reporter and aliese.
as always im a mountain of titanium any feedback,good or preferably bad too,would be much appreciated
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The car pulled up beside the stone-blue avenue, its surface shimmering as though it were alive, reflecting the golden glow of the ground lights. The entrance ahead was a storm of activity,reporters, fans, and onlookers bustling in anticipation. The sight, even after years of experiencing it, still sent a tight knot of unease coiling in her chest.
She exhaled deeply, gripping the door handle for a moment longer than necessary before stepping out. Her heels clicked sharply against the navy-blue carpet that stretched toward the grand entrance. Cameras immediately swiveled in her direction, their relentless flashes creating a typhoon of light that made her blink and steady her focus.
The moment she straightened her posture, her white, knee-high dress shimmered under the artificial glow. The sleek fabric, punctuated with subtle metallic accents, caught the light in mesmerizing waves. She forced herself to walk forward with short, deliberate steps, each one steady yet purposeful, as though they could shield her from the torrent of attention.
But even her brisk pace wasn’t quick enough to evade the swarm.
A floating microphone appeared near her chin, stopping her in her tracks. The interviewer stood with practiced poise, a small floating device capturing every detail as it hovered beside her. Aliese turned reluctantly to face the camera, her expression neutral but her pulse thrumming in her ears.
“Sapient beings of Thelaron,” the interviewer began, her tone polished but carrying an unmistakable edge. “This is Zeralya, reporting live from the largest tech exhibition in our world. Standing here with me is none other than Aliese Francis, the human who has somehow managed to claim victory for the past four consecutive years.”
Aliese’s jaw tightened ever so slightly, though she kept her smile intact.
“Known across Thelaron as one of the most celebrated and,let’s admit,unexpected contributors to our technological advancements, Aliese remains a fascinating figure in a field traditionally dominated by Thelorians.”
The words were laced with subtle condescension, and Aliese felt a flicker of irritation spark within her. She took a slow breath, steadying herself. It wasn’t the first time her humanity had been painted as a novelty, but hearing it now, on such a pivotal day, grated against her composure.
The camera’s gaze felt suffocating, but she raised her chin, forcing the irritation aside. This was her moment, and she wasn’t about to let Zeralya,or anyone else,undermine it.
She turned towards Aliese, her plastered smile looking fake to her even after she had spent most of her life surrounded by emotionless robots."Thelaron is buzzing with anticipation to see what you’ve brought to the table this year, Aliese! Everyone’s wondering if it will be enough to secure a victory over Zillion Karson. We all remember the intense competition last year when AXION-8 went head-to-head with Karson Enterprises' flagship creation.“
Well the one thing she didn't want to think about on an important day like this but it seemed though that nepotistic Thelorian had made enough of an impression last year to somehow be a part of every question that could ever be asked of her.
She drew in a breath through a tightly held smile, silently praying the camera didn’t catch the brief crack in her composure. When she spoke, her voice carried a calm confidence that even surprised her. “I won last time, and I’ll win again. Hopefully, this year he’ll bring something actually capable of defeating me.”
The words felt almost foreign, this bold, almost cocky persona that seemed to surface effortlessly in front of the camera. Beneath the polished exterior, a whirlwind of anxiety churned, but she wasn’t about to complain if this facade shielded her from unnecessary drama.
The reporter turned towards the camera with a smile “There you have it, folks,Aliese Francis proves humans aren’t as fragile as we once believed,I'll be back again with everything you'll want to know about the exhibition until then, shalarin.” "The camera light blinked off, and with a casual wave goodbye, the reporter stepped aside. Aliese, taking a steadying breath, turned toward the gates of the avenue."
As soon as she stepped through the gates of the bustling building, Aliese’s eyes immediately sought out the elevated platform in the far corner of the hall. There, Kreton moved with focused precision, adjusting wires and inspecting displays with the ease of someone in their element. The sight brought a quiet sense of relief to her frayed nerves, and a comforted smile crept across her face. Without thinking, her feet carried her in his direction,until her shoulder brushed sharply against someone else’s.
“Excuse me, I didn’t se—” The words caught in her throat as she looked up, her breath hitching. Copper eyes,sharp and unrelenting,locked onto hers.
Zillion Karson.
Her body tensed instinctively at the sight of him. His expression was calm, almost unnervingly so, as his gaze traveled deliberately from her shoes to her face, a thin veil of judgment cloaked in disinterest. He adjusted the sleek, metallic device strapped to the truncated remains of his right arm, the chrome finish gleaming under the overhead lights. The exposed edge of his shirt sleeve, rolled just high enough to reveal the seamless fusion of technology and flesh, somehow added to the air of controlled dominance he carried.
Without a word, he let out a low, dismissive hum and turned, walking away as if their encounter had barely registered as a blip in his day.
Aliese stood frozen, her thoughts chasing one another in chaotic spirals. Her eyes lingered on his retreating figure, his slicked-back lavender hair catching the light as he adjusted the device on his arm. He hadn’t shown even a hint of the hostility she’d braced herself for. After last year’s dramatic tantrum,his accusations, the scene with the judges, his violent outburst,it felt uncharacteristically restrained.
But restraint wasn’t always comforting. Her surprise morphed into a low, gnawing anxiety. Was this calm exterior a sign of growth, or was it simply a mask for something brewing beneath the surface?
The surrounding commotion of the exhibition snapped her back to the present. She shook her head, dismissing her thoughts for now, and redirected her focus. There were bigger priorities than Zillion Karson’s mood.
Kreton spotted her as she approached, his face lighting up in a grin as wide as the hall itself. He waved enthusiastically, motioning toward the small set of stairs leading to the stage. Aliese mirrored his smile, albeit faintly, and climbed up to meet him.
“So, how’d the interviews go?” he asked, falling into step beside her as they moved toward the back of the stage. “Hope they weren’t prying too hard for insider info about the bot.”
She let out a weary sigh, sinking into one of the chairs. “If only. These days, every question somehow circles back to him.”
“Him?” Kreton’s eyebrows shot up in mock alarm. “You mean Zillion?” He snorted and shook his head. “Girl, you better watch out for that one. Remember last year? He came in second,second,and still threw the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen. He argued with the judges, tried to smash AXION-8 by hurling his fancy little device at it, and then flat-out refused to stand on the podium. The drama!”
His giggles broke the tension in the air, but Aliese couldn’t join in. Her earlier encounter replayed in her mind, and the edges of her thoughts felt prickly with unease. Kreton’s laughter faded into the background as she tapped her fingers idly on the armrest, her focus drifting.
Zillion’s calm demeanor earlier hadn’t exactly felt genuine. She could sense it,something unspoken, brewing under the surface. He was a man who hated to lose, and she couldn’t shake the thought that he might be plotting something this year. He was desperate enough.
Her chest tightened slightly at the thought, but she pushed it down. She couldn’t afford to dwell on maybe,not now.
“Aliese, this is your half-hour call,” Kreton’s voice jolted her from her thoughts.
She blinked and looked up at him, his cheerful tone bringing a sense of normalcy to the chaos in her head. “Right,” she said, standing up and smoothing her dress. “Let’s do this.”
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hope you all enjoy reading this more then i enjoy writing it.
2 people like this
Luna Phantom A few thoughts to consider as you refine:
— Aliese’s internal tension is compelling, but there’s an opportunity to tighten some of the prose for even more impact. You might look for moments where her reactions could be conveyed more through subtext or action rather than explained, like the repeated references to her anxiety. A small gesture or glance can say a lot.
— Kreton’s energy is a nice contrast to Zillion’s intensity, but it might help to include a line or two earlier in the excerpt that hints at their relationship dynamic before she sees him. That could deepen the emotional payoff when he appears and grounds us in why he matters to her.
— Lastly, I’m really curious about your choice to let Kreton be described mostly through Aliese’s sense of comfort. As a next step, maybe consider giving him a line or behavior that contradicts expectations or adds more layers to his personality. That complexity could elevate his role and make him pop more on the page.
Really enjoying the world you’re building, there’s a lot of texture here. Keep going!