Screenwriting : First Page Friday by Meko Gray
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Hi Meko, I like the sarcastic tone laced into the dialogue. Maybe shorten the first action paragraph by not telling us he's nervous and don't write "anxiety clear on his face." Show don't tell. For example-He taps the steering wheel. Checks his phone. Looks into the rearview mirror.
Maybe he is so anxious he forgot about the cigarette and it burns his fingers? These clearly show his anxiety/nervousness instead of telling us.
Overall, I like the first page tension and keep going!
1 person likes this
I hope Old Lady then robs the bank, gets away with millions, and Lloyd gets arrested.