Screenwriting : Pitch Sessions Pointless? by Jay Thompson

Hey, Jay Thompson. The Pitch Sessions helped me get a lot better at writing pitches.

Unique concept. I like the format and uniqueness of your pitch.

I suggest taking "Wren" out of your logline. Names in loglines are usually for biopics, well-known stories, and franchises (like Mission: Impossible).

I also suggest giving the vampire an adjective in the logline (the main flaw he has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes his personality). It'll give the producer, executive, etc. more insight into his character.

Your logline is just the setup. I suggest adding Wren's goal and the stakes.

I suggest adding more to your synopsis: Wren's goal, the stakes, the key events of the story, the antagonist, the obstacles Wren and other characters face, the relationships, the other storylines if there's any more, and Wren's character arc if he has one.

Stage 32 has two written pitch examples (one for a movie and the other for a show). Stage 32 also has a verbal feature pitch beat sheet and a verbal TV pitch beat sheet. You can get them by emailing success@stage32.com.

Hey Maurice Vaughan no doubt I can improve on the pitch, my question is really: Were you confused on any parts about vampires sucking other vampires blood creates a plague or how zombie vampires coming back to life works?

Pitch Feedback:

I wanted to like this pitch but there were just too many questions. I don't understand how one vampire sucking the blood of another results in them having purer blood. The part about zombie vampires coming back to life is also confusing. There could be a funny meta version of this idea with the right execution that has some similarities with The Blackening. Focus on clarity in your next pass. The graphics are great, but this is a good start to an idea.

All of the sudden people don't understand how zombies work? Or how a plague works?

I wasn't confused by those parts, Jay Thompson, but the person wanted you to explain them in more detail. You touch on those things in your pitch, but you could tell about them some more.

"Jay, this is a very interesting topic. Pitch feedback can definitely be frustrating.

Focusing on the comprehension of the pitch provided (WE ARE WHAT WE EAT): The Logline and Synopsis are clear and immediately set up the stakes—a medical crisis due to a corporate conspiracy.

The only element that requires a small pause for comprehension is the title of the script on the image: WE ARE WHAT WE EAT. The title feels very metaphorical compared to the highly clinical/corporate espionage pitch. You might consider whether the title clearly aligns with the tone of the story about 'genetic diseases' and 'corporate espionage.'

Otherwise, the pitch structure itself is solid. I'd love to connect and hear more about your projects like SUSPENDED ANIMATION—your bio and loglines are impressive!"

For me, the concept is interesting, but as an ex-paralegal I do know that producers may also be looking at all the IP licensing they may need to purchase for the vampire hunters. Also, one of the sentences seemed to have choppy syntax in your synopsis so I personally would recommend tightening that up. Overall though, interesting story. I look forward to seeing where you take it.

I honestly find the concept of vampires dealing with something similar to a zombie outbreak to be quite interesting and thinking out of the box but the mechanic’s of the story needs to be worked on a bit and are both humans and vampire affected by this outbreak. I can see where you’re headed. just guessing the only hope for the vampires is the cure that the exiled vampire created so maybes the humans are not impacted. again I really do like the concept

"That's a fantastic note, Yan Ju Zeng. The IP licensing angle is critical and a business point many writers overlook when drafting a high-concept pitch. That's a great piece of professional insight that Jay can definitely use. Thanks for the paralegal perspective!"

"Yan Ju, your versatility across acting, screenwriting, and production assisting is incredibly impressive! It gives you a valuable perspective from every side of the camera. I especially appreciate your focus on crafting narratives for underrepresented voices—that commitment to meaningful storytelling is vital right now. I'd love to connect and follow your journey as a fellow screenwriter. Best of luck with Wouldn't You Like To Know!"

Oh Yan Ju Zeng that part was a joke they aren’t actually going to speak to Blade or Buffy in the film.

Hey Visionis IP the outbreak just effects vamps, but the humans would eventually have to deal with it. They are still vampires

Jay Thompson Oh! That does uncomplicate matters regarding IP Licensing! Lol.