Screenwriting : Simple question by Enmerkar Zedek

Right... the point is we try and get rid of the and is as often as possible. Correct?

Dan, you're the man! I asked a simple question, and you posted an answer that every screenwriter should have pinned next to his keyboard. Let me buy you a virtual beer.

John, to put it mildly, people just don't want to read scripts. They do it, because it's their job. The less they have to read the better, so we often write these descriptions like a tweet or haiku.

A man creeps into the room. He shuts the door, draws the curtains and collapses into a bundle on the floor. He stares at his flashlight - it is smeared with blood.

Too many words ...too many words....we're not writing novels!!!

If you notice, Dan's "elimination" rules do NOT apply to "the" and "a". They address the variants of "is". and filler words. When you edit to eliminate "to be" verbs, you naturally turn to action verbs, and it enlivens your prose. For example: "Joel is walking down the street" is a perfectly valid sentence. "Joel sashays down the street" is more interesting. The edited version of that example: Compare "Joel is walking down the street" to "Joel sashays down the street". You should immediately see the difference in page real estate. First sentence, eight words utilizing "to be", and two sentences (so two extra spaces for the "." and the " " between the sentences. Second sentence: two words that command you to actively do something. To your original question, you must make a stylistic choice. I personally would not write the second sentence. I think it sounds awkward to my inner ear. More like Yoda speak, and it takes me out of the narrative. If I had to read 100+ pages of that, I'd go nuts. But again, you must make your own style choice.

I agree with Shelley here -- as your example sentences do not apply to Dan's elimination rules. Actually, I find both of your examples to simply be poor sentence structure -- Yoda speak, as Shelley said. (LOL!) If I had to choose I'd pick the first sentence but add "A" at the beginning; "A man rushes into the room with a flashlight." Without the "A" before "man" it sounds odd, like you are referring to all mankind, or, perhaps someone named Man. The second sentence has the same issue however without the "a" before "flashlight" it also sounds like the man is rushing into a room with someone named Flashlight, not an inanimate object.

Oh, and also, screenwriting is not Haiku, nor like Tweets. Yes, it is terse, pithy writing and we can get away with breaking some grammatical rules, however, it's all about STORY. If your sentence structure dilutes story clarity then the story is lost -- and so is the reader. :)

It's totally yoda speech, and I am fully aware that it doesn't follow proper English grammer rules. I know it doesn't. I'll quote the text I used as source for my question in a bit. We can continue the discussion from there.

I was under the impression most producers would pluck their eye out then read another script? Isn't this why the advice is to always leave a lot of white space on a script? I love reading stories. 500 page novel in few days. No sweat! I find myself struggling to read past page 15 on most scripts. I think the truth is that scripts are a code for a story on a screen, but not meant to be read as a story ala novel. I believe what the producer wants is to read that story in the least painful way possible. If long winded sentences is the way they want them, long winded sentences is the way I'll write them, if they want them in tweets and hiaku, in tweets and hiaku they'll get them. This is how the whole thread started. I am reading a book with ecommendations and I am discussing them here. On a personal level, I am trying to produce content that the market wants and in a style that the industry pro's like. If I wanted to write stories for my own joy and inspiration, I'd write novels. I am not trying to be cold. I enjoy this. I am just being practical, because unlike novels, the only way my work will be seen is if it's sold and put on the big screen.

Enmerkar, yeah, I know, it's frustrating. I suspect you might be putting to much concern and focus on the surface details of screenwriting. However, you are correct, screenplays are not novels, nor should they be written as such. Screenwriting is visual writing. However, you can achieve a quick-read script with lots of white space and still write in complete sentences (LOL!) For example, break up description lines into 2-3 line sections only; no large paragraphs. Anyway, I think you -- all of us -- should focus on the story first and foremost and how best to craft the execution of that story. Worry about producers last. If your story/script is fantastic they will read it regardless. It's the originality of the story that sells the script not whether it's written in some subjective, formulaic way or not. Stop focusing on "them" and focus on your writing. :) Perhaps when ready, you could utilize the help of a script consultant to make sure your script is market ready with story structure and superficial details. :) Best to you!

Beth, don't fear, I haven't lost the forest for the trees. I am focusing on all aspect of it from word smithing to dialogue to straight out just crafting amazing stories that I getting all ecstatic in telling. The advantage of Stage32 lounge is I get to chat with other screenwriters and discuss topics of interest. It's all I am doing.

Ok, the origin of this post lies in a point made by William Akers in his book Your Screen Play Sucks. To quote: 61. You haven’t cut as many “thes” and “thats” as possible! If a reader sees “the” all over everywhere, they’re going to know you’re not a top writer. Same with “that.” Type “Ctrl F” or “Apple F” and search out “the” and “that” and get rid of a lot of them. It will tighten up your writing.Alex just stares down and squeezes the meat out of a crab leg. Alex just stares down and squeezes meat out of a crab leg. Here is one sentence with five instances of “the.” Ugh. As the boat approaches the beach, the waves start breaking off the bow on the nearby reefs. As the boat approaches the beach, waves start breaking off the bow on nearby reefs. Do you want me to go on? Of course you do! It is their oak tree strength as a couple, the inspirational letters from his children, and his brother’s devotion that give Claus the strength he needs for the journey ahead. We see that Detective Able is eavesdropping. “Substitute damn every time you’re inclined to write very; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” Mark Twain Seven Deadly Sins of Screenwriting Using Find (Ctrl F or Apple F) in your computer, chase down these words in any form you find them. Losing them or changing them will strengthen your work. “Find” space is space should find only the word you’re looking for, not every “is” in your screenplay. is He is grinning — becomes — He grins. are The convicts are singing opera — The convicts sing opera. the Nacho hightails it out of the town — Nacho hightails it out of town. that Ralph can’t tell that she’s French — Ralph can’t tell she’s French. then She laughs. She then looks at Alice — She laughs. She looks at Alice. walk Tika walks down the hall — Tika prisses down the hall. sit Sitting at the poker table, Doc deals the cards — At the poker table, Doc deals. stand The surgeon stands at the operating table and works — At the operating table, the surgeon works. look Cheryl is looking at Stephanie — Cheryl studies Stephanie. just I am just totally exhausted — I am totally exhausted. of the Tom sits by the entrance of the mall — Tom sits by the mall entrance. begin The tape begins playing — The tape plays. start She starts moving toward the den — She moves toward the den. really Betty is really pretty — Betty, hot as a two-dollar pistol, struts in. very The kids sing a very old song — The kids sing a traditional song. (“very” means the following word is weak) ly (as on the end of an adverb!) search for lyspace Also search for ly. and ly, as lyspace will not find an adverb at the end of a sentence, etc. Grade school writers go wild over adverbs. You’re past that now. Use them, um, sparingly. If at all.

Enmerkar, I have no fear. :) And, yes, that's all good stuff. I am more than aware of the book you are quoting from and all the points therein. They are similar to Dan's suggestions. However, you removed "a" from your example sentence which altars the meaning. You can write tersely and still have complete sentences and be crystal clear -- per the examples you listed from "Your Screenplay Sucks." Perhaps in your example sentence you could use a name instead of "man." "Bob rushes into the room with a flashlight." Or, if not, perhaps "A man rushes in, shines flashlight." Again, best to you!

A man holding a flashlight races into the room.

That's good. Straight-forward. :) I like "A man rushes in, shines flashlight." -- assuming the scene location has already been set up. Seems more active. Terse. But, I'm sure whatever Enmerkar does with this line/scene, and his script, it'll be great! :)

Ah. The example is not as simple as just eliminating every single "the" and "that" from your screenplay. It involves eliminating the unnecessary "the"s and "that"s. In the original post you made, you need "the" before "room". However, I'm not sure how to explain why so that it makes logical sense. Any other grammarians who can articulate this?

Well, it has much to do with nouns. The word "the" signals information about a noun through language use and process. Basically, it sets up two categories; new and old information. Or rather, it helps discern what things in the world we agree are important, known, or things that are deemed unimportant. The word "the" is used to talk about things, rather than events. "The" is used by the speaker/writer to signal to the listener/reader that the thing being spoken/written about is shared (old) information or new information and/or is worthy of note. Also, common nouns (not proper nouns) are general words for types of things. They do not stand for one specific example of a thing, but rather for a class of things, for a type of thing. Words like room, pencil, girl, river, car, man, etc, are all concrete common nouns. They can never be used without some form of classifier or article in dialogue. They are all "things" and so we must either know about them beforehand or not. ...Good grief, right?! So, in screenwriting it's stripping away any extra use of classifiers that are truly not needed. However, for all concrete common nouns some form of classifier is always needed regardless of what writing format you are working in. :) Whew!

And people said being a writer is easier than quantum physics...

...Thus, getting back to the two sentence examples at hand, the missing forms of classifiers for the concrete common nouns need to be included or put back; a man; the room; a flashlight. They are elements that should not be cut for sentence length nor for terseness. :)

Ha! Ha! So true, Enmerkar. So true!

Man rushes into the room and scans around with the flashlight.

Lyse, absolutely. I put the "is" under the knife in that example. You can almost always choose a more interesting verb than "walk", but your character -- and your character's current mood -- will dictate if he sashays, strolls, shuffles, moseys, skips, prances, or just plain walks.

Okay, the "when to use an article before a noun" question really pestered at me. Here's a linguist's explanation, which fits what I remembered (probably from the good old days of my one-room schoolhouse ;-). It has the added benefits of "rule of thumb", which makes it easy to apply. Exceptions aside, it gives an easy way to determine if you can axe the article (the/a/an) you wrote before a noun. http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/when-to-use-articles-...

James enters the room and turns the light ON. No flashlight, no into, no THE... plain and simple.

James enters 'the' room and turns 'the' light on. (9 words and 2 'the'). You brought us back to the drawing board :D

Thanks Shelley for the link.

Why does he need a flashlight, unless he's entering a room in some abandoned building. James enters and turns the light ON. It could work if the audience already knows, James or whoever WILL enter this room for sure.

Put a sentence in front of five writers, and they'll come back with twelve variants. :-) We can workshop "Man rushes into room with flashlight" to a fare-thee-well, but that's not the point. The original question focuses on "the"s and "that"s and which are necessary or not, in order to be lean yet readable.

The sentence is totally irrelevent. It's not part of any story, plot, narrative, screenplay, or any thing of value. The question was simply about word smithing the use of 'the' or removing it, even if the grammer is iffy, for the sake of making the screenplay a faster read. I could have as easily used dog eats the apple vs dog eats apple, obviously dog eats the apple is grammatically correct, but do we use dog eats apple to save 'real estate space'? Personally, I make a habit of using 'Dog eats the apple', but after reading a particular book, I was a bit concerned, so I asked. This sparked a wonderful discussion on this thread to which I am thankfull.

I asked a similar question a few days back about grammatical errors in conversation. According to everybody and I don't doubt their opinion, there is no such thing as grammatical error in speech (in 95 percent of cases anyway). Whatever you write down and if the script gets accepted (from what I've read here and on other sites) it will be changed, re-written by you or someone else. But it was a good question. Hey, here's an example; "THE gift, which was handed to THE President of THE United States, THE same President elected by THE people..... How many THE's you can put in one sentence of the report?

I think the briefer version is better, for a screenplay. (Not for a book!) I would think in submitting a screenplay, you want those connecting bits to go by as rapidly as possible.

Niksa: dialog writing requires a different approach to grammatical rules. We don't always speak grammatically, and characters need to talk that way. Grammar in action doesn't get that luxury. In your example, you can't simply eliminate any of your articles without making the writing sound erroneous. You could, if you wanted, rewrite it shorter but then it may lose the dramatic impact you want. Like nearly all skills, this struggle with wordsmithing gets easier with practice. Practice enough so that instead of obsessing about rules, you find yourself comfortable with deliberately and judiciously break them. Never forget that you want to create a dramatic impact on your readers. Don't permit brevity to mute your writer's voice.

"A man, walking his dog in the park, picks up the flashlight and drops it into the trash." Prepositions are my friends.

Even for screen descriptions, prepositions should not be discarded. Any script supervisor, reviewer, or buyer would like to see the grammar in place. " A flashlight " is better, any day:-). Or, "the 'flashlight" if it has been already discussed, and it forms a main element in the script.