THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES
Post your loglines. Get and give feedback.
BIONIC BROTHER
By Jazmen Darnell Brown
When a promising student in crime-ridden North Philly witnesses a gang-killing at the hands of a classmate, his paraplegic brother and guardian gets caught in the crossfire, and his only hope is an experimental treatment that could make him stronger than anyone imagined.
Register / Log In
Looking for thoughts and comments on my log lines. I look forward to hearing your feedback.
1 person likes this
This logline has a lot of interesting dramatic and high-stakes ideas inside it, but it's also very clunky. I think that you can't do sibling-rivalry, plus socioeconomic-heavy backdrop, plus politically-charged antagonist, plus sic-fi technology ALL in the same logline. You have to convey the MAIN line and embellish here and there, but within the main line. Additionally, when the the logline is overstuffed, even with interesting ideas, it gives off the impression that the script will be jumbled and feel overstuffed. I used to live in Philly and would love to read it if possible.
@Zach, thanks for your comments. Shoot me your email if you still want me to send the script. Would appreciate your notes. Just to comment on them, I would say sibling rivalry isn't really an issue between them. Also, I've been debating omitting the corrupt mayor line after some feedback I got from a development assistant.