These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Screenwriting : Comedy Zip One-liners taken from real life by Lisa Scott
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2 people like this
Work your brain -- imagine writing a short comedy with the condition that you must use one of these. It's the makings for a really cool contest if you ask me.
Oh I really needed that. Thanks so much for the good laughs! You could almost turn this into a comedy television series with lawyers and ....wait. I just remembered. USA tried that with "Benched". I didn't care much for it. Never mind. You're right. Better as a comedy movie.
Nah, you couldn't use those, some critic would tear you a new one for asking us to believe that real people are that stupid. Hopefully the spelling alright, can't see through the tears. faarken hahleerious.
2 people like this
Gordon -- those weren't real people. they were lawyers.... lawyers who become our representatives. personally, i'd like to think they've all joined the tea party. but i'm biased that way.
This was too good.
hilarious
Priceless.
years ago i was privy to an incident that i would love to use in a screenplay one day. i've just never written anything with a courtroom scene... yet. but one day i was in "minor misdemeanor court" (before you say anything... i was working) and this judge was lecturing the poor ugly toad of a man... who had to stand there a take it. the toad was picked up for being a john --- you know, a prostitution case -- and after the judge gave him this long lecture, the man hobbled down the isle to leave and pay his fine. all i could think of was, that man is so ugly that he has to pay a woman to phuck him. life is not fair. and that judge shouldn't have been so hard on him. if i were to roll that scene back, i have that toad of a man crying to the judge how much he needed prostitution in his life. lol! what can i say, i made a lasting impression on me.