Hello everyone! I'm new to this site and I look forward to connecting with other creative individuals. I recently shot a scene to my TV Sitcom Pilot and would love to connect with parties interested in expanding on this. Please take a moment to view the short scene and let me know your thoughts. Thanks in advance!
Introduce Yourself : New Screenwriter/Filmmaker by Jessie Webster
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Nice work getting this done!
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Was this shot in a theater or on some type of stage? I'm interested to see where this will go.
My impression is that this is the opening scene to your Pilot, correct? I have a few notes.
Ralph comes in but doesn't see that there is mail. It seems if he lives there and is expecting a letter from college, he would know to look in that spot if that is where mail is normally placed. Maybe the sister can come in before him with the mail in hand? I say that because if he comes home before her and is expecting mail, he would check it first. Also, the sister would see that the letter is from Spelman when she looks. How close are they? I feel this is something they would've discussed way before he got mail and before he started applying. In the age of the internet, it really seems odd that he would apply to a school not knowing it is an all female college, especially if he himself works at a college.
When Joy comes out the restroom, there's no way she would've heard anything about the hug. She's in the bathroom with a clogged toilet. Joy comes out focused on her phone, she then talks about the hug, then mentions the toilet. The bathroom problem should come first, then she sees that Ralph isn't in a playful mood, he mentions he got rejected and then your punch line about him being rejected from another female college can drop. Flows a bit better in my opinion. Also, once Joy starts talking about her protest, she doesn't seem like the type who would need a man to go in and plunge a toilet. If anything she should come out with plunger in hand, maybe her shoes are soaked from the over flown toilet, letting everyone know the job is done.
Why does the football player come in before the door is opened?
Other than that, the relationship between the characters isn't clear. I barely get that that it's a home with different students living there. We learn that Ralph and his Sisters are siblings just because they use sis and bro towards each other. Does Ralph and his sister live there as well as rent out rooms? How big is this place and who all lives there. I'm sure most of these questions will be answered with the full episode.
Hope this helps moving forward!
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Nice try @Webster and nice suggestions Sharon Hankins