Hi all, I’ve revised my logline based on advice from a previous post. I’m starting a new post to get opinions. What do you think?
Forcibly sent back to his childhood in 1987 Tom unwittingly makes a fortune but is unaware he was chosen thousands of years ago to be continually reincarnated and defend humanity against a mystical and ancient force over many lifetimes throughout history
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Generally, I don't use names in loglines. Forcibly - how? If he's unaware: Where's the story? Does he become aware - how & to what end? Indigo children?
Good point, thanks.
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No offense, but i'd have to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into wasting a couple of hours reading this. I'd think your evening news would have better story ideas.
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I think you might be trying to cram too much in there, which can confuse the reader too. For example, "Tom unwittingly makes a fortune" - When? In his "childhood?" ... I agree with Doug Nelson about not using Tom's name. We don't know Tom so why should we care? Instead, you could say something like, "a divorced politician" or whatever Tom is. Also, 1987 is specific. Why not use something like, "A divorced politician is thrust back into the 1980s and discovers his life is more than making money from dodgy deals and..." In other words, WHO is Tom and WHY should we care about his conflict? It's not easy, I know.
i think it's worse sorry. Drop it all and start again including the script if it is written. Maybe make the film more akin to 'a selfish and arrogant time traveler is sent back to his childhood where he learns the real purpose of his time travel gift is to save humanity from an evil ancient force. '
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Thank you Pete and Goran for taking the time to reply with your constructive comments which I will definitely take on board. Erik, I don’t mind constructive criticism, in fact that’s why I came here. Not liking something is fine but when people just throw insults and offer no constructive feedback it usually says more about them than the quality of the thing they are commenting on, this isn’t Twitter and I wonder why you do. Anyway, FYI the screen shot below is from a report from a well known director who did ‘waste’ time reading the script
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Damien Cominos I see so many options for you here, love it. You can have a lot of small stories in this one, actually It'd be a great series, is that what you intend to do?
As a writer who loves concepts this is a cool one. I have a time travel story that could be a cool series too. Great to have the excuse in a story to come up with lots of little stories.
Best of luck.
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Hi Damien! Let's see if we can whittle it down without losing your initial vision.
Logline: A reluctant man of fortune must fulfill a thousand year old prophecy
to defend humanity against a Ancient malevolent force, but to succeed
he must die and be reincarnated as a child every time. 34 words!
We can even make it shorter.
Logline: A reluctant man of fortune travels back to 1987 to fulfill a thousand year old prophecy, but to defeat an eternal enemy, he must do it reincarnated as a child. 30 words. Cheers, mate!
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Pretty cool logline work @DD Miles.
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Love it, thank you!