Screenwriting : Script by Alexandria Smith

It's way off format, but I'd be more focused on the content right now...post it here or somewhere else, ask for feedback on the story...format is easy to correct, just read stacks of produced scripts available all over the net...

Your best friend will be software and structure webinars. I see you're a student - Final Draft offers a 50% discount and it'll handle structure so you can focus on content. Also, writers on coverfly.com read for each other, no charge. I'm sure there are other resources.

There seem to be a myriad of different opinions on the differing formats. For me, it seemed okay. I've seen scripts that are similar to this as the final article. If anything, I'd compare it with scripts of a similar genre to get the formatting right. I think to say it's "way off format" is a little harsh IMO. I've seen a lot worse, for sure. The content needs work, on that I would agree with Kiril. Camera instructions should be avoided unless it's absolutely necessary. You should concentrate on what's happening. Show, don't tell. The director will work out what camera angles they want to use. Avoid things like "walks off scene". That doesn't make sense particularly. "Nancy smiles at Bubbles then exits." or "Nancy smiles at Bubbles then leaves." I was always taught you should only use EXT. INT. and DAY. & NiGHT. and LOCATION for descriptions. Hope this helps.

Hi, Alexandria Smith. I agree with everyone.

The scene is intriguing. It makes me want to find out what happened in the previous scene and what's going to happen in the next scene.

Nancy's first dialogue says, "Bubbles, I am going to the store with my mother, okay. I promise I will bring you back something from the store." Nancy's dialogue sounds wooden. I don't know her character, so you might've written her dialogue like this on purpose, but I would rewrite it as something like: "Bubbles, I'm going to the store with my mother, okay? I promise I'll bring you something back." You already said "to the store" once, so you don't have to say "store" a second time.

The sentence that says, "Nancy smiles at Bubbles than walks off scene" would be better as something like "Nancy smiles at Bubbles, then walks out the room (or whatever location they're in)." The sentence also needs a period.

I think this sentence can be written in a more impactful way ("Bubbles frowns sadly than tears start formulating in her eyes"). Maybe rewrite it as "Bubbles lowers her head, dejected. Her lip trembles, and tears form in her eyes." The sentence also needs a period.

The scene heading should be simple. "EXT. GOOD DAYS STORE - DAY" You can put the other information in an action line.

The sentence about the lettuce like vegetable needs a period.

You don't have to put "NANCY'S VOICE" when she speaks off screen. You can just put "NANCY."

"Nancy runs up to her mother." The sentence also needs a period.

The last sentence needs a period.

Your format is way, way off - download a copy of one of the free script writing software versions. There's a lot of talk but no real action to lead me on. There's more exposition than is necessary. Just my opinion.

Yep screenwriting software.

Secondly. Take note of how often you use a persons name when you are in the room with them. The answer will probably be never. If you do it will be to get their attention.

So using Bubbles and Mother may be over kill in the dialogue.

Look at this response I have typed. You know J am talking to you. I haven’t used your name yet. Alexandria.

Good writing.

Generally, when we talk about structure, we're broadly referring to the three or five acts and within those, how scenes and sequences follow and move the story forward, so a one-page sample won't tell us anything about the structure. Formatting refers to the page layout. Use the accepted industry conventions. I use Final Draft, but there are also other programs and apps that you can get for prices varying from free to $299. Or, you can format by hand. You can and should get a used copy of Dave Trottier's Screenplay Bible, but get one that's fairly recent if not new. You can deal with formatting now or later, but now will save time later. Nevertheless, don't let it stall you. Get on with writing the story, formatting errors or not. A style point: unless a speaker is being emphatic or formal, use contractions to write dialogue: "Oh, he's never on time." (Not: he is) "Do not under any circumstances run into that busy street." (Emphatic) Also, consider your verbs more carefully. "She left" TELLS only that she left. "She skipped out" or "stumbled out" suggests her mood and SHOWS the reader a mannerism. Spec screenplays are available for free all over the net. Read and study some. Don't use a shooting script. Spec scripts do not contain camera directions.

I would find a script to download in the same genre of what youre writing and read through that.

Alexandra: Congratulations on your script and I always like to see white space on the page. As another poster said, It's a bit difficult to get a sense of what's going on when you post a random page. You've already received lots of feedback, so I have little to add. Beyond that, at the bottom of the page, it looks like you wrote "figuring" when I think you meant figurine. Keep up the good work and have fun.

What am I reading?? Alien produce? With a little work on your flow and structure, I am truly intrigued.