Hi again everyone!
I just posted my first attempt at screenwriting on my profile, it's called "I.S.A". It is a 5 page 1 scene sci-fi screenplay. I tried to give it the same atmosphere as the original 1979 Alien.
I'm aware that it is by absolutely no means a masterpiece haha, but I'm very excited to finally have finally given it a go and now I know there will be many more in the future.
If anybody has the time to read it and give me some feedback I would appreciate it so much!!
2 people like this
ISA
1. First sentence. Describe what we see, never what has happened.
1. I will read two pages.
1. Second sentence. No -ing words.
1. I sense confidence. You’ve been writing before.
1. Dialog with words I don’t get. Bit risky, but it is sci-fi. Did Alien do that?
2. First sentence is brilliant.
2. First dialog. No () is better.
2. Hoping to find an inciting incident. At least I understand the story very well.
2 people like this
Hey, Joe Gipps. Really impressive for your first short script! It’s interesting, suspenseful, and eerie. I like how you ended the script!
I suggest getting screenwriting software so your script is formatted right. Check out WriterDuet (www.writerduet.com). You can write three scripts with it for free, and the monthly plan isn’t much.
I suggest giving each character one or two adjectives when you introduce them in the script to describe their personality. Some writers don’t give their characters adjectives when the characters are introduced. The writers show their characters’ personalities through action and dialogue throughout the scripts instead. I do both (give my characters adjectives when they’re introduced & show their personalities through action and dialogue throughout a script).
Also, describe a character’s physical appearance and clothes/gear/accessories/etc. when a character is introduced if those things are important to the story.
On page 1 (toward the end), Mara says, “And remind me why we’re even here in the first place? I thought you said we needed credits.”
– One thing to avoid is the “And remind me why” type of dialogue. If a character already knows, there’s no need to repeat it. I suggest rewording Mara and Del's dialogue to something like (so Mara is finding out for the first time why they’re there):
– MARA VOSS: “Why are we here? I thought you said we needed credits.”
– DEL ARLEN: “These Kronos labs are filled with helix engines, I’ve already got a buyer, we just need to supply them with as many as we can get.”
– And maybe add Mara’s reaction to what Del says.
On page 2 (at the start), it says, “Both of our main characters look around…”
– You could just say “Del and Mara look around…”
Try to put action on action lines instead of in parentheses, like “(his face starts off confused but quickly changes as he thinks he figured it out)” near the start of page 2.
On page 2 (toward the end), Del says, “Yeah sure why not, thing’s probably not even charged.”
– The rest of his dialogue (“Anyway there’s a SentraLock over there, be a darling and see what’s inside”) is on a separate line.
Maybe have I.S.A watch Del and Mara more throughout the script. I.S.A shows up on page 1, then disappears from the script until page 4.
This is just a writing prompt practice script, so the logline isn’t that important, but for your future scripts, I suggest adding more info to the loglines. The logline for “I.S.A” is just the setup. Here’s a logline template you could use for your future scripts: After/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s title/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).
The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: A _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s title/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion).
Loglines are one or two sentences. A one-sentence logline sounds better, and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it. Try to keep your logline to 35 words or less. Long loglines can make producers, directors, etc. pass on a project.
Avoid using “must” in loglines. “Must” usually means the protagonist is forced to do whatever they need to do in the story instead of doing it willingly. You might need to use “must” in a logline though, like when the protagonist is forced by another character to do something. Using “must” to choose between two options is fine.
Names in loglines are usually for biopics, well-known stories, and franchises (like Mission: Impossible).
Sometimes I put the location and date that the story takes place in instead of the inciting incident if it’s a Period Piece script.
All stories don’t follow this logline template. Biopics, documentaries, and Experimental scripts might not follow the template. The series logline for a TV show can follow this template, but the pilot logline and episode loglines for the show might not.