Screenwriting : Logline Feedback Wanted by Haylee Hemphill

Leading with "Left for dead in a fiery crash" may grab attention quicker.

Before or after "Inspired by true events" ?

I'm sorry, after Inspired by true events!

I think it's solid, Haylee Hemphill. If I was a producer, I'd request your script right away.

Your "relentless young woman" description bumped me because it's too generic and doesn't elicit any emotion. Is there a better, more empathetic description for your lead?

Go with it. I can envision how that scene plays out.

Like it, Haylee. Very clear. Might consider moving 'Inspired by true events' to the end. But that's just me...

“Inspired by true events: after surviving a fire accident that left her for dead, a woman must piece together her shattered memories to expose the deadly betrayal of her former best friend.”

Putting your advise here to the test.

A life embracing woman, always doing people favors, is left for dead in a crash and must recover her memories to expose her friend’s deadly betrayal. Inspired by true events.

Nicholas, I have had a few situations where one producer required $5000.00 to get things in motion to produce my script. I went back and forth and walked away. He was the son of a very famous producer who I won't name. I thought his had some credibility with pedigree but was just trying to get some fast cash. I also had someone on here who I won't name asked for $500.00 to work on producing my script. My rule of thumb has been my material is my payment. I have read through many sources including Paul. Guyot (Kill The Dog), when asked for money, run. If you believe in your work it just takes one right person to get it. After ten years I got one of our scripts optioned. Believe in your work if it has merit you shouldn't have to pay to have it taken to the next step.

Hi, Scott Weisenfeld. I think you meant to post that here: www.stage32.com/lounge/screenwriting/Be-Aware-of-This-Scam

Before what? What is the cost of her not recovering her memories? To me, this feels just shy of complete.

For example: A young woman left for dead must recover her memories and expose the truth of betrayal before........

A hint at the risk for your protagonist without exposing your plot could elevate this. Right now, it doesn't hook me. It doesn't make me want to read your script.

Punch up that drama, give us some stakes... Right now, it reads well enough, but doesn't hook. It needs to hook. If your logline is to capture attention, it has to serve that function. You're not just setting a scene or telling us your plot.

Even in this, you're SELLING. Your idea, your story. I tend to think of my loglines as ads. Every piece of what you put out there should be shiny enough to dampen the light of the stars. Like it's the only shiny light in existence.

Sell this to me in one sentence. You have what sounds like a great story to draw from.

This is, of course, just my opinion.