Screenwriting : This is the first page of my screenplay by Kenneth Arinze

First, that isn't an 8.5x11 page. That's a must.

Second, proofread what you've written for mistakes.

Third, your first parenthetical is a given. Crowds, 99% of the time, do things in unison.

Fourth, your second parenthetical is actually an "action" or "direction" line.

Fifth, your scene headings are not structured properly.

Sixth, go to Amazon and order the book "The Complete Guide to Standard Script Formats" (with the red cover).

Hi, Kenneth Arinze. I like the scene. It held my attention, and I could picture the scene easily.

I don’t think you need “FINALS” in the scene heading. Maybe put it on an action line.

I think “bonuses” in the second paragraph is supposed to be “bounces.”

The crowd is talking at once, so you don’t need “(in unison)” under CROWD.

You could change “We see the crowd jumps out of their seats” to “The crowd jumps out of their seats.” Same thing with “***We notices the noise for the first time.” Some writers use “we see,” “we notice,” “we hear,” etc., but scripts read better without them in my opinion.

I suggest putting “his smiles fade abruptly” on an action line instead of under Coach’s name. Also, change “smiles” to “smile.”

Something you could do is break up your paragraphs into single action lines. That’s something writers do in fast-paced scenes, intense scenes, scary scenes, etc. Using single action lines makes the scene read faster, feel intense, feel scary, etc.

Maybe show the coach’s reactions more in the scene.

Maybe show the reactions of the main player's team (on the court), the bench, cheerleaders, and the mascot throughout the scene.

Maybe show the main player’s reaction at the end of the scene.

I suggest checking the scenes for typos.

Overwritten and lacks clarity to the point of obscurity.

Basic English usage errors: consistently improper verb-subject agreement.

All the above and lose the bold text, no reason for it. And Maurice is spot on about losing "we see" and "we hear". Lose those bits as well.

The use of ellipses here is... Odd.

See what I did there?

Consider your use of that particular punctuation here. An ellipsis (the ... ) is used to indicate hesitation - more hesitation than a comma gives, but less than the full stop of a period. It usually indicates trailing off mid sentence, someone searching for a word, or wandering thoughts. It's as much psychological punctuation as it is a grammatical one.

It's also the punctuation that I personally think is underused across lit forms. Personal opinion time here - I happen to love the hesitancy a properly used ellipsis can give dialogue.

Lose, not loose. And I agree on the we see.

Corrected, Jon!

You have some good content, but you're telling (narrating) the scene and not showing the scene. Put us on the field, in the stadium seats and right next to the protagonist. Where your protagonist? A scene this powerful such as this he should be in it. Is he the coach, pitcher, or player? Show and not tell. Try also shortening your slugline and show more action and short dialogue.

(drop parentheses) and any camera/direction.

if the crowd woohoos does it have to be in unison?

Never knew bonus was a verb….

Thanks for your honest feedbacks.

James Fleming, they could woohoo one at a time, but it sure would take up an awful lot of screen time.

Jay Gladwell Well, if we're going to be picking the ant shit out of the peppercorns...

Your assertion: "Crowds, 99% of the time, do things in unison." is comically imprecise.

Although a well trained chorus might vocalize in unison, a crowd never could.

An author should strive to know the precise meanings of words, or at least know the URL for https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/unison

Unison means "identical in musical pitch" or "the interval of a perfect prime". The exclusion of the word unison does not infer they would be speaking consecutively.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Now who's "picking," James Fleming? "2 : at the same time : simultaneously" (Merriam-Webster)

"Did you know?

This word usually appears in the phrase "in unison", which means "together, at the same time" or "at the same musical pitch". So an excited crowd responding to a speaker may shout in unison, and a group of demonstrators may chant in unison. The old church music called Gregorian chant was written to be sung in unison, with no harmonizing voices, and kindergarten kids always sing in unison (at least when they can all find the same pitch). In a similar way, an aerobics class moves in unison following the instructor, and a group or even a whole town may work in unison when everyone agrees on a common goal." (Merriam-Webster)

It's pretty universally understood that if a crowd responds, that a crowd is a plural person entity If the crowd is responding, multiple vocal responses are expected. Because it is a crowd.

There is no crowd of one.

That makes the in unison parenthetical redundant and unnecessary.

Edited: to correct my wording for clarity. Thanks E Langley.

'Crowd' is singular. It's many individuals that make up a single entity. Therefore it takes a singular verb, i.e. The Crowd roars. 'The Crowd roar' doesn't work as a direct action.

PS What's tripping up the unison/no unison parenthetical woooooing debate is it should be an Action, not dialogue.

E Langley I mean yes, a crowd is a single crowd. I meant that a crowd isn't one person but multiple people - so the vocal in unison was implied.

I definitely could have worded that better. Thanks for the catch on that -I had just woken up. My brain wasn't fully functioning yet.

Spot on Elle Bolan "That makes the in unison parenthetical redundant and unnecessary."Unless of course, one works in the Department of Redundancy Dept.

Well, It's a basketball court and not a pitch. Then, run this through a basic English grammar program to correct the numerous errors. This would go a long way in making it enjoyable.

Or in the misplaced dialogue for action screenwriting element department.

James Fleming I used both on purpose to be funny.

Early morning fun. I really shouldn't try to get my little brain to do the big think before coffee. I couldn't even form the phrase "semantically plural". It was there in spirit haha.

Thanks for sharing your honest feedbacks on this. I will endeavor to correct the mistakes you've pointed out.

Honestly, I didn't get to review the snippet before pulling it out here - it's the first draft.

So, thanks for your opinions, I will integrate your ideal suggestions into the second draft or the final script when I start writing it.

One more thing, I'm glad you were able to identify my grammatical errors and it's good to let you know that I'm still a learner. I'm from Nigeria. I'm putting great effort to improving my English proficiency and my communication skills.

So, thank you again for tolerating my errors, I promise to be more careful next time. Love you all. ♥️

You're welcome, Kenneth Arinze.

Keep on writing and stay encouraged.

If you want to send any few pages over by email, I will rewrite them as a suggested example and send them back.