Who knew writing a logline would be far more intimidating than writing a 102-page feature? But the critical nature of a few words making the difference between "Read" and "Pass" adds an undeniable layer of stress.
I'd love to get some feedback on this, yet another attempt at a logline for "The Black Front." I'd like some thoughtful and helpful criticism... and a "hooray" tiny pat on the back for effort. LOL
Logline: When a terrorist attack by the Black Front shatters a US city, a conflicted minister and his estranged son are thrown into a desperate fight for survival. But the minister must overcome his secret past and internal struggle to unlock the prophetic gift that is their only chance for the city's deliverance.
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I generally liked it, but it seemed a bit "clunky." How about "When a terrorist attack by the Black Front shatters a US city, a conflicted minister who must overcome his secret past and internal struggle, along with his estranged son, are thrown into a desperate fight for survival to unlock the prophetic gift that is their only chance for the city's deliverance."
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David Miller I like... it's tighter. Thank you. Although, I think I want the father/son's internal struggle closer to the front as the family dynamic is the emotional core of the script. How about this slight tweak, using your suggestions?
When a devastating terrorist attack by the Black Front shatters a US city, a conflicted minister and his estranged son are thrown into a desperate fight for survival, forcing the father to overcome his secret past and unlock a prophetic gift that is the city's only hope for deliverance.
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Unique concept, Rhonda & Bobby Aycock! I think your new logline is solid.
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I read your log line it’s good!
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It has good ideas - but streamline/shorter it a bit!
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Lawrence: I'm too close to it, I think.
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Rhonda & Bobby Aycock Oh - take a break from it. And later, try it verbally - as though pitching it in a room. See how you could condense to one killer sentence, make sense?
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I just noticed something, Rhonda & Bobby Aycock. You put "shatters a US city," so you don't need "devastating."
And you could even change "When a devastating terrorist attack by the Black Front shatters a US city" to "When a terrorist attack shatters a US city." That'll make your logline shorter.
You could also change "desperate fight for survival" to "fight for survival."
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When a terrorist attack shatters a US city, a conflicted Senator and his estranged son are thrown into a fight for life. But they must overcome internal struggles to unlock their only chance of survival.
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In the wake of a terrorist attack, a tormented minister must resurrect a buried prophetic power to save his estranged son and a city on the brink of collapse.
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This may be a me thing but I personally don't care for Loglines that name characters or groups, etc. The number one goal of a Logline is to quickly give the reader a general overview that hooks and leaves them wanting to know more. If I'm hooked, I'll learn about the Black Front when I read the script, see the movie. I mean if you're going to clarify Black Front then why not name the city? i.e. "...attack by the Black Front shatters Detroit"
Also, just because you theoretically can start a sentence with "But" doesn't mean you should. E. Langley rewrites the logline nicely above. I would go with something like that
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Thanks, Mario Riportella.