I'm workshopping two loglines in preparation for future queries and would love feedback and guidance.
CHAMBER: "After a Cajun twin brother and sister pose as newlyweds to score a discount tour of the Paris Catacombs, they’re drawn into a deadly cult ritual that forces them to confront the true limits of their bond. "
KEPT MEN: "When his search for a missing friend leads him to a secretive billionaire, a young homeless fugitive becomes a live-in test subject at the man’s remote estate, where an obsession with aging fuels a sinister experiment."
Thank you!
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Hi. I liked it, especially the second logline.
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Thanks, Oleg!
Really unique concepts and solid loglines, Spenser Wise! I can't wait to watch CHAMBER and KEPT MEN! What kind of guidance are you looking for?
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I like them! My only note is add a word about each protagonist's personality.
I read both of your loglines carefully and patiently to share my thoughts on your two concepts, and I actually love them so much.
Logline #1 "Chamber"
Strength
• I love the theme that centered on family and risk-taking.
• It also mentions "bond," which may hint at what would happen if it were separated from the other
• It has clear conflicts about what makes the Cajun twin brothers and sisters
• The stakes feel personal and urgent without spoiling the full surprise
Weakness
• There's no mention of the characters' names, so it's easier to know who is who.
• What are the personalities that set them apart from each other?
• What's their goal?
• What kind of stakes are they going to face?
Logline #2: Kept Men
Strength
• The loglines contain the clear conflicts of what the man became a live-in test subject, and it gives an idea of the kind of obstacles that would arise.
• The premise is a simple yet engaging concept.
• The story set a theme about technology, human rights, and being able to take risks as he tried to find his friend.
• The logline has the purpose of explaining what the homeless man is facing.
• The last part of the sentence, "where an obsession with aging fuels a sinister experiment," gives the best clue of what problems he'll face.
Weakness
• Like I said with "Logline #1 Chamber", this doesn't contain the names of the characters, and their development, so I can see them as characters, not plot-driven devices.
What do they have in common?
Both of your loglines are brilliant and original, but the writing structures felt generic, safe, and uninspired. I recommend reconstructing your loglines by writing the character's name. What is their personality?
Here's my logline from my 5th feature film, for example, for visual reference.
In Canada in 2012, the family drama feature tells the story of Obasi and Adeya, two outspoken but firm young adults, and Kelechi and Jidenna, two fun-loving, bold teens, as four Nigerian siblings navigate an African household challenged by conservative grandparents after their parents divorced a year ago.
Overall, both of your loglines are very thoughtful and articulate. I love how both concept have their own story, themes, and setting that set them apart from "Chamber" and "Kept Men".