Share your logline (e.g., “Broken Vows: A young woman in Lagos struggles to keep her family together while pursuing her dream of becoming a fashion designer, but an unexpected betrayal threatens everything.”)
Ask politely: “I’d love any feedback or thoughts from fellow writers and producers on how to make this stronger.
Austin Unegbu That’s a strong foundation there’s a clear emotional core and a relatable goal driving the story.
One thing you might consider is sharpening the central conflict a bit more. The “unexpected betrayal” is interesting, but if you can hint at who or what kind of betrayal it is, it could make the logline feel more specific and impactful.
You could also lean slightly more into the stakes what does she stand to lose beyond “everything”? Making that more concrete often makes the logline hit harder.
Really like the direction though feels grounded and character-driven.
I agree. What’s the nature of the betrayal and what does she stand to lose?
What keeps it from hitting harder is that it reads like a broad short synopsis rather than a sharp, memorable logline. What are the stakes and what opposes the young woman?
The biggest issues are in the generalities. “Keep her family together,” “pursuing her dream,” and “unexpected betrayal threatens everything” are familiar phrases. They are a tad weak and miss telling us what makes this story feel singular.
“Broken Vows” plays strong, but more like a marital or romantic betrayal-focused story than a fashion-driven Lagos family drama. It might accurate, but if the story core is something else, the logline must better align the title and premise.Austin Unegbu Sounds like an interesting story. I would start your logline with the inciting incident which would be "an unexpected betrayal threatens everything", then introduce what the protagonist has to do (Goal), the (Antagonistic Force) that is preventing the protagonist from their goal, and (The Stakes), what happens if the protagonist doesn't attain their goals.