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SYNOPSIS:
Lucien, 30 is from Paris, France, and Mike, 29 is from Brooklyn and they live in Mike's rambling old apartment in Manhattan. For three years they've lived together, and mostly they've been happy, but as of late, Mike's eccentricity has been going beyond the limits of Lucien's threshold.
Marmalade:
Lucien, 30 is from Paris, France, and Mike, 29 is from Brooklyn and they live in Mike's rambling old apartment in Manhattan. For three years they've lived together, and mostly they've been happy, but as of late, Mike's eccentricity has been going beyond the limits of Lucien's threshold.
One morning, Lucien, still in his pyjamas with an angry headache threatening has had enough of waiting for Mike to finish in the bathroom and so went to see what the hold-up was.
“Why are you using a shovel to brush your teeth?” said Lucien as he stopped at the bathroom door which was wide open. Standing in his overlong dressing gown that was a foot too long and lay around his feet, Mike was staring into the mirror as the mid-morning sun streamed through the window with an abandon that made the bath creak in joy.
“Answer me,” said Lucien when Mike didn't say anything.
On closer inspection, Mike seemed to be trying to pull the shovel out of his mouth. It was a child's sandcastle shovel, 15 inches long with a smooth round wooden shaft, a plastic handle at one end and at the other end the plastic spade part buried in Mike's mouth. Mike tried to pull it out but it was jammed in there and wouldn't come out. He moaned something to Lucien. But five knocks at the apartment front door made them both tense up momentarily.
“Get that thing out of your mouth, and make yourself presentable,” said Lucien shaking his head. He went to answer the knocking. It was Annabelle with the morning groceries.
“Hi Lucien,” said Annabelle bundling past in a draft of fresh air and heading towards the kitchen.
“Hi Annabelle,” said Lucien pushing the door closed and following to see what was for breakfast.
In the kitchen, Annabelle was busy making the coffee and unpacking the grocery bags. Lucien sat on one of the hard chairs at the table.
“Mike still in the bathroom then?” Said Annabelle putting toast in the double toaster.
“Yeah. It's a shovel this time,” said Lucien.
“I don't need to know the details of that one,” said Annabelle smiling at Lucien. Lucien smiled back.
“Always something,” he said.
From the bathroom came a muffled ahh.
“I've brought news,” said Annabelle.
“Good I hope,” said Lucien wondering what it could be.
“Your book Gay Marmalade has the go ahead to be made into a play and you both have to go sign the contract in an hour,” said Annabelle frying eggs and buttering toast. “Can we make him presentable do you think?”
“That's hard to say, but if we can get the shovel out of his mouth then we have a chance,” said Lucien, his mouth salivating and looking at the eggs almost done.
“The producer wants to meet with you both soonest,” said Annabelle.
“You know he could kick up a fuss,” said Lucien.
“So how do we get the shovel out of his mouth?” asked Annabelle.
“There's only one way to keep him calm,” said Lucien.
“But the shovel would have to come out first to give him that,” said Annabelle.
“Maybe we could spoon it in somehow,” said Lucien.
“How did he get it in there in the first place? Don't answer that I don't want to know,” said Annabelle.
A rustling out in the hall alerted them to movement.
“Here he comes now. Look normal,” said Annabelle.
Lucien looked askance at Annabelle at that as if to say: but we are normal.
The shovel handle appeared through the kitchen door followed closely by Mike. Both hands holding the handle of the shovel. He was muttering something.
“What's that you're saying?” asked Lucien to Mike as he sat down at the other end of the table.
Annabelle turned away with a muffled laugh to serve the eggs.
Mike sat too quickly and the end of the shovel banged the edge of the table making him call out: “Ahh.”
“Breakfast,” said Annabelle and put two plates of eggs on toast in front of them both.
“You can't eat eggs with a shovel in your mouth,” said Lucien tucking in to his breakfast with a grin.
“Let's try some butter, it might ease it out,” said Annabelle picking up a pack of butter and scooping some out. Mike looked at Annabelle....
"But how did you get it in your mouth?" asked Lucien.
“Nun,” said Mike to Lucien.
“Mike says: he used a clippers to shape the plastic shovel to the size of his mouth, then folded the ends and pushed it in, then swivelled it so that when the ends sprung back to shape it filled his mouth.
"Why?" said Annabelle.
“Nun,” said Mike.
"He said he wanted to separate his tongue from his top teeth so he wouldn't taste the toothpaste. He doesn't like the taste of toothpaste," said Lucien.
"Did it work?" asked Annabelle.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
"No. After the ends sprang back into shape they pushed his cheeks out and made his lips close together so much so that he couldn't get the tooth brush into his mouth, and as his tongue was under the shovel, he couldn't speak a word," said Lucien.
"You know, yesterday it was a bottle over your head and I had to put a tube in and blow air into you, but I fell over because I had too much oxygen; then you fell over for lack of air, and I couldn't break the glass in case it went in your eyes; then doctor Markus had to save you...it's all getting a bit too much..." said Annabelle looking at Mike and...
“Here we go,” said Annabelle and began packing butter into Mike's mouth in through the small gap. It took the whole pack to fill his mouth. Mike looked pained, breathing through his nose until his cheeks bulged. He looked wildly at Annabelle.
“I'm going to pull now,” she said. And so saying she pulled hard on the shovel. But it wouldn't budge out of Mike's mouth. Mike was breathing hard and fast through his nose and looked at Lucien this time.
“Don't look at me,” said Lucien, “You got it in there. You can get it out,” he said and carried on with his breakfast.
The butter oozed down Mike's chin.
'We can't take him like this,” said Annabelle.
“Take him where?” said Lucien. “Oh, I forgot. The book signing.”
“Yes,” said Annabelle looking at Mike.
“Your book has been passed to be made into a play. And you know what comes after that don't you?” said Annabelle.
Mike made some kind of noise through his nose.
“Yes,” said Annabelle, “a movie.”
A muffled kind of cheering went up in the kitchen. Then all went quiet as Annabelle brought out the marmalade. Mike looked at Annabelle, speechlessly. Annabelle looked at Mike.
“Swallow that butter, and then we'll try this.” She held up the big jar of marmalade. Mike began to panic and tried to shake his head but the shovel wouldn't let him, so he flapped his eyelids instead, very fast.
“Meanwhile if you're not going to eat that then I will,” said Annabelle and sat at the table to eat Mike's breakfast. Mike began to swallow the butter quietly, which wasn't easy with the shovel in the way.
“You look a little green there mike. How's the butter going down?” said Lucien.
A large spoon was placed next to the marmalade for later. Not much was said while they finished breakfast. Annabelle was thinking about how to get marmalade past the shovel. Lucien was thinking how anything could work out for him when he was tied to someone who had a shovel wedged in their mouth. And Mike was thinking; well who knows what he was thinking, maybe a wild scramble of thoughts that no-one could make sense of.
After breakfast there was no more time so Annabelle and Lucien had a quick talk and it was decided that Annabelle would go home and Mike and Lucien would get a cab and go to sign the contract. Just before Annabelle left she pulled a hand puppet out of her bag and pushed it all the way over the shovel.
“You know Mike, you should go see Doctor Markus.”
...
The taxi ride:
“You look ridiculous wearing that puppet over that shovel sticking out of your mouth,” said Lucien.
“Nun,” said Mike.
“Yes I know Annabelle gave it to you,” said Lucien, “but it's still ridiculous.
“Nun,” said Mike.
“Annabelle has gone home.” said Lucien.
“Nun,” said Mike.
“I know the taxi driver is looking at you funny. Everyone is,” said Lucien a little crossly.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“It's time I told you something,” said Lucien.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“I'm leaving you,” said Lucien.
“Nunn,” said Mike, eyes wild.
“I know it seems sudden, but I've been thinking about it for a while now, and this shovel business is the last straw. It made me make up my mind,” said Lucien.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“Today, right after the signing,” said Lucien. “You know, the reason I've stayed with you and not left before now is because I know how much you will hurt when I leave. You might not survive. But what right have I to deny you that pain? I'm not in love with you anymore. You're going to feel a huge pain when I leave, but I can't protect you from it anymore. I know how devastating it will be for you because it was for me years ago before we met, and I vowed I would never give anyone that kind of pain, and that's why I stayed, to protect you, because although I'm not in love with you anymore, I still love you.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“I will stay with Annabelle. Just until I find somewhere else to live,” said Lucien.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
No, Annabelle is just a friend, we're not a couple,” said Lucien.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“You don't believe me. Oh,” said Lucien.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“No, I won't change my mind. Even if you do change and stop doing crazy things. I've made up my mind. It's over,” said Lucien, looking out of the cab window at the building of New York passing.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“Later we'll go to Doctor Markus to get that shovel out of your mouth,” said Lucien. “Let's be quiet now until we get to the meeting.”
...
The office:
They left the cab out on the busy street and marched up the stairs. The whole of the second floor was taken up with desks and people typing, the sound absorbed by the thick wall to wall blue carpet.
Potted plants staggered around the office space added much needed green colour to the gray office. Underarm deodorant and coffee smells assailed them as they waded through to the little enclosed booth where their agent was to be found. A notice stuck on the door with fading tape read: ten thousand dollars going to waste. Only plebeian rascals need apply. A brief moment staring at the sign brought no enlightenment so Lucien rapped on the glass and they both walked in.
Inside, sitting at a large desk covered in files was a huge man, almost as wide as the desk. His face lit up in a big smile as soon as he saw who it was invading his privacy. He had the kind of face you'd see on wanted posters all over the country on December 25th. A sign on the desk said: Andrew L. L. Artistic Agent.
Lucien walked into the office followed closely by a sulking Mike.
“Andrew,” said Lucien, delighted.
“Lucien, Mike, how nice to see you both again,” said Andrew looking at the puppet hanging out of Mike's mouth. Andrew was a close friend and often came around for drinks to their apartment.
“Don't ask,” said Lucien taking a seat by the desk. Mike sat down at the other side of the desk.
“That's alright,” said Andrew, “we're all friends here.”
Andrew steepled his hands, elbows on the desk and looked at them both for a moment.
“I've got some good news,” he said. “You know, after your book went viral I just knew there would be no stopping it. Then three weeks in the number one spot. Now this Broadway deal. And then this morning we've got a movie offer.”
“What!” said Lucien.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“Indeed. You're both going to be rich and very famous,” said Andrew pleased as punch.
“I can't believe it,' said Lucien.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“Let's get these signed first,” said Andrew, pushing the forms across the table.
“Where do I sign?” said Lucien.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“You won't sign?” said Lucien.
“He won't sign?” said Andrew.
“That's what he just said,” said Lucien.
“But why not?” said Andrew looking alarmed.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“We broke up this morning. Well, I broke up. Now he says he won't sign unless I promise to stay with him,” said Lucien.
“So do it already,” said Andrew.
“But I want to leave him,” said Lucien.
“Now look. This is important. Make or break time. If you don't sign this contract, they just may go somewhere else, and if they do then so will I. So make your promises, make up, and sign the bloody contract,” demanded Andrew angrily while thumping his fist on the table and startling Mike whose eyes already wild looking became even more so.
“We need to talk,” said Lucien to Mike.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“I've never seen you like this before. You're being so strong,” said Lucien.
“If you both need a moment,” said Andrew shuffling some papers.
Lucien looked at Mike and thought for a moment.
“He's got me over a barrel, he said.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
Ok. Yes. I'll stay with you,” said Lucien to mike. Then turning to Andrew he said: “where do we sign?”
“There, there, and there,” said Andrew pointing to the spot to be signed.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“What do you mean, don't sign unless I really mean it?” said Lucien to Mike.
Lucien signed the papers then pushed them over the table in front of Mike. After some moments Mike signed them too.
“Good. I'm glad that's settled,” said Andrew.
“Nunn,” said Mike.
“We have to go see the doctor now,” said Lucien rising.
...
At the doctor's:
Featuring Doctor Markus on piano playing. Lucien trying to hold it together. Annabelle who is a pretty picture, and Mike on the drums of doom.
In the waiting room waiting to see the doctor, Lucien and Mike were listening to the man in the big sombrero in the corner play the piano.
It was Mike's favourite tune: My Funny valentine. Lucien didn't want to listen to it and was hoping the doctor would call them in soon.
Ever so quietly the door to the waiting room opened and Annabelle looked in and saw Lucien staring at the floor.
“Lucien,” Said Annabelle in a whisper.
Lucien looked up into her eyes and smiled a defeated smile.
Annabelle beamed at him and walked over to sit beside him.
“Where have you been?” she said. “You were supposed to be moving in hours ago.”
Lucien looked back at the floor mumbling something.
“Lucien, what's up?” she said just loud enough to be heard above the music by the man wearing the big sombrero.
Lucien looked at Annabelle.
“Mike said he wouldn't sign the contract or any other either unless I promised I would stay with him and never leave,” said Lucien in one breath.
“But that's blackmail. It's not right. You don't look happy about it,” said Annabelle touching Lucien's shoulder with her hand.
The end of the song came and so they gave applause to the unknown musician who turned to face them all.
“Doctor Markus,” exclaimed Annabelle and Lucien together.
Doctor Markus beamed a huge smile that encompassed the whole room with warmth and kindness.
“How can I help?” he said.
Mike had swooned away so it was up to Lucien to say what the problem was.
“Mike's got a shovel stuck in his mouth,” said Lucien staring at Doctor Markus with eyes big as saucers.
“Looks like a puppet to me,” said Doctor Markus.
“Yes, we put a puppet over the shovel to disguise it so he could go out,” said Annabelle who was looking at Doctor Markus with eyes of love. Lucien was feeling the same too.
“If one of you could get my saw, wire cutters and spatula from my tool box I'll take a look at our patient here,” said Doctor Markus pulling the puppet mask off from the shovel handle.
Mike was still out and seemed to have found the heart of all things where men stand closest to the sun.
“Hmm,” said Doctor Markus.
Annabelle ran into Doctor Markus's office and got the tools then ran back to hold them out to him.
“Saw first,” he said, holding out his hand. Annabelle placed the saw into the doctor's hand. Moments later the wooden handle was cut short.
“Spatula,” he said, holding out his hand again.
Annabelle placed the spatula in his hand and he placed it under the shovel and over the tongue.
“Just so we don't cut his tongue off,” he said. Then he held his hand out for the wire cutters and Annabelle put them in his hand. She was feeling very useful.
Very carefully Doctor Markus cut into the plastic shovel on both sides until he was able to pull the shovel out of Mike's mouth. Mike was snoring.
“That's it, job done, the patient can go home,” said Doctor Markus standing up.
“Thank you so, so much,” said Lucien.
“Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you,” said Annabelle beaming love at the doctor.
“You're welcome,” he said. “By the way, I'm doing an event in India soon and I'd like you all to come.”
We'd love to,” said Annabelle.
“Count me in,” said Lucien.
“Well I'd better get back to practicing,” he said. “Whatever you practice the most you get good at,' he said as he sat back down by the piano and began another tune.
Mike woke up.
“The shovel's gone,” he said, and jumped to his feet feeling around his mouth.
“Time to go,” said Lucien.
As they exited the doctor's waiting room Annabelle said: “I've changed my name to Jane.”
“No way,” said Mike pleased to be talking for the first time that day.
“Really,” said Jane. “It's no big deal.
“I'm hungry,” said Mike.
“Time to go home,” said Jane.
“Yes, enough excitement for one day,” said Lucien.
As they waited for a cab the sounds of Doctor Markus on the piano could be heard faintly playing: All around the World.
...
The end of the day:
“I once met a man who was terribly urgent, and he wouldn't take no for an answer,” said Mike, in bed with his hands behind his head on the pillow.
“Aiden Braidenhurt,” said Lucien, lying beside him.
“Yes, a most upsetting kind of man. I was not amused with him at all. He lived in a fortified bunker you know,” said Mike. “And any missile coming within a mile of the place exploded. 'So the new jamming device works then?' I said to him. Yes he said: it's like Guy Fawkes every night.”
“Was it not unsettling?” said Lucien.
“It was, but one becomes used to these things,” said Mike, yawning.
“I used to envy you,” said Lucien.
“Oh, how so?” said Mike.
“You know: with all your daring-do. But now I am not so sure,” said Lucien.
“You mustn't let a little danger frighten you,” said Mike.
“Oh it's not that,” said Lucien.
“What is it then?” said Mike.
“It's just, you don't seem normal any more. It's as if you've become superman, always flying off to rescue something, never any time for the normal things in life,” said Lucien.
“Such as?” said Mike.
“Well, like washing the dishes for one,” said Lucien.
“You cannot be serious?” said Mike.
“I most certainly am,” said Lucien.
“But that is absurd,” said Mike.
“But it's true isn't it?” said Lucien.
“Well I suppose I am quite busy, and the dishes do pile up; but I'm not superman. What type of concessions are you after?” asked Mike.
“It would please me if you did your share of the housework,” said Lucien.
“I can't believe you're serious. We have a maid for that kind of thing,” said Mike.
“Yes we do, but she's been off running these secret missions for you and as you can see the apartment has become over-run with dirty laundry, dishes piling up, and so on. I've done what I can, but you just don't pull your weight around here. And frankly, I'm tired of it,” said Lucien.
“Lucien, Lucien, don't be so upset, it will all get done soon,” said
Mike.
“And then this latest escapade with the shovel. Well...” said Lucien.
“Perhaps it's time for me to tell all,” said Mike.
“High time I would say,” said Lucien.
So Mike began his story: “In the mists of illusion, that great fog-horn of oblivion sounded through the open window again last night at four am this morning and I said: 'oh please let me go back to sleep, it's too early; but no, it would not leave me be. Again and again it called. 'Come off it,' I said weakly as I faded away until I was no more. It was very strange,” said Mike stifling another yawn.
“I bet it was,” said Lucien smiling.
“But tense-less paradigms aside, I do believe we're getting somewhere, albeit through the blue cheese of strange dreams,” said Mike.
“What's blue cheese got to do with anything?” said Lucien, bewildered.
“Nothing at all,” said Mike.
“You've completely lost me,” said Lucien.
“Keep listening and all will be revealed,” said Mike turning over in bed and going to sleep.
Lucien lay there thinking, until he too fell asleep.
In the morning Lucien awoke alone in the big bed, and after getting up and searching the apartment he found the note in the kitchen by the marmalade jar left there by Mike. It said: gone to Australia, back soon, love, Mike.