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By D A Stenard

GENRE: Comedy

An Irish widow and her Filipino mail-order bride daughter-in-law find what might be the Holy Grail in a potato field. They must band together to try and defeat a thieving pub owner, who wants to destroy their small town and way of life forever.


Once upon a time, right now as a matter of fact, there lived on that favored isle known as Ireland, two best friends. Their names were Balor and Ian and they had lived, boy and man, in the small village of Deddhend. Ian lived in an apartment over his father Seamus Cassidy’s pawn shop. Balor lived with his widowed mother on a small, barren outcropping of rock they called a farm and .

Ian is tall and handsome and very shy. Balor is not. Not tall, not handsome, not shy. In fact, the Garda had been called on several occasions when Balor had been very un-shy with the local lasses. Ian would fight the girls off with a stick and no one would touch Balor with a ten-foot pole.

Having exhausted all the female possibilities for miles around, Balor asked the village priest if it would be a sin to purchase a bride over the internet. Firmly convinced in the sanctity of marriage but realizing that Balor had the face of a pig and the table manners to match, the priest conceded that a mail order bride might be Balor’s only hope.

Flush with a lucky football pool win, Balor enlisted Ian’s help to log on to the internet to purchase a lady love. But Balor was stymied when the bride-to-be-bought requested a picture of her groom. Realizing his own photo might be a deal-breaker, Balor substituted an 8 x 10 of his best friend Ian. The bride accepted with alacrity and was instructed to take the first cheap boat from Manila to


Thrilled with the prospect of impending matrimony, Balor reacts like any normal prospective groom and drinks himself into a stupor at the pub. Tantalizing Art Keely with hints of a juicy secret, Balor stumbles out into the rainy night and is promptly mowed down by a two-ton lorry driven by a person with bad night vision. Sic transit gloria mundi.

The blushing bride, whose name is Bunye Batongmalaque but the Irish will call her Bunny because they can, arrives two months after the funeral. Instead of being greeting by her new husband, she is introduced to Cliona, her cranky, aging mother-in-law. Bunny has no choice but to follow Cliona to the pathetic pig farm they now both called home. Wanting to be the dutiful daughter-in-law, Bunny begs Cliona to allow her to help with anything, anything she could do to be useful and not be sent back to the Philippines. Anything. Cliona takes her at her word and with the mule dead, hitches Bunny to the front of an ancient plow and off they go. Struggling through the mud and rocks, the two women are surprised to pull out of the ground a gorgeous example of the metallurgist’s art, a humble cup encased in silver and jewels.

Upon handling the cup, Cliona is seemingly cured of her crippling arthritis. Others who touch it are cured as well. Does it have special powers? Could they have actually found the Holy Grail? Cliona, being of a cunning and avaricious nature, drags Bunny and the cup to show Seamus. Seamus, being a mighty avaricious person as well as a right son of a bitch, feigns indifference and claims the cup is worthless, but he could be persuaded to take it off Cliona’s hands for a small fee. Bunny, showing that she didn’t just fall off the potato truck yesterday, tells Seamus that they’ll just go get a second opinion thank you very much, and off the two women go to consult an expert.

The only expert Cliona can think of to consult is Ian. Ian went to school to study archeology and had dreams of making a huge important discovery in the mud of Ireland. The best thing he’s come up with is coprolite, otherwise known as fossilized dinosaur shite. Ian is out in the middle of a field, hopefully digging in a barrow, when Cliona and Bunny descend upon him. Ian is struck dumb by the appearance of the lovely and fetching Bunny and Bunny is struck holy screaming hell by the seeming reappearance of her dead husband.

Ian, in between making goo-goo eyes at Bunny, tells the two women that that they have indeed found something miraculous. Cliona breaks up the mutual admiration society of the two young people and drags Bunny and the cup back home to the farm. Trusting no one by this time, Cliona hides the cup in the barn, and swears Bunny to secrecy.

However, Seamus is busily spreading the word of a possible rich and important discovery throughout the village. He makes a pact with Art Keely. They decide to swindle the cup out of the possession of Cliona and Bunny and devise a sort of Irish Lourdes/Fatima/Holy shrine and amusement park. A kind of Disneyland for the faithful as it twere. Art Keely is deeply in debt to Mick Rogan, an area money lender, gangster and very scary person. Mick has his ear to the ground, and a great knowledge of local events and miracles. When Mick reads of the discovery of a “miraculous cup”, he decides to take a little visit down to Deddhend and check on his investment with Art.

Jealousy and mistrust rear their ugly heads and everyone starts to get nervous about who owns the cup and who will profit from it. Cliona believes that Bunny will take the cup and give it to Ian. She sets her faithful dog, Brian Boru to guard over the cup in the barn. Bunny is afraid Ian is still in love with his ex-girlfriend that he wants to steal the cup from Bunny and Cliona and run away with Doreen. Art Keely discovers that Bunny is actually married to someone else back in the Philippines and finagles the cup away from Cliona and Bunny in some very shady legal shenanigans.

He locks it up in a huge display cage in his pub, guarded by his equally scheming daughter where it is spirited away by Ian, Bunny, Cliona and Mick in a fine example of screw the screwers. Cliona donates the cup to Mick Rogan in the hope that it may cure his little daughter of illness, Bunny and Ian of course end up together and Brian Boru returns from the dead.

Not Brian Boru, the first king of Ireland, mind you. The dog, remember the dog? Well, he died when the cup was lost and then found again and oh well, read the script and find out the ending fer yesel’.

Ronika Merl

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