Hi All! I’m an award-winning author and screenwriter currently producing a short sci-fi film, Celestial Pirouette which blends noir visual style with expressive, story-driven dance. The project is partially funded and moving toward a late summer shoot.
Which of these makes you more interested in watching the film?
A:
In a dying bar, a broken dancer and an implant-controlled alien must choose to transform through dance or lose the chance to feel truly alive.
B:
In a dying bar, a shattered ballroom champion seeks connection through dance with an alien anthropologist, risking everything to free her from the device that controls her.
If you’re open to sharing why, I’d really appreciate your thoughts. Thank you so much for any input!
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I’m leaning toward B. It gives a clearer picture of who the characters are and what the emotional stakes look like. “Ballroom champion” and “alien anthropologist” immediately set up a dynamic I can visualize, and the conflict feels more active and grounded.
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I think both are too wordy. Find a way to condense.
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Second one is better, but the “her” refers to the dancer, where I think you mean the alien. The alien is the one under the control of an implant, yes?
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Is the bar important? Seems awkward to call it out. if the dancer works there, say so.
Mike Boas, First thanks for the thoughtful comments. In answer to them, yes, the bar is important as it has decayed over time. It used to be vibrant and filled with dance now everything has faded, DJ equipment and chairs sit unused in a corner. It is a place that time forgot but the barflies return night after night in shared misery. The dancer, Dylan, is one of the barflies, now suicidal and feeling like all hope is gone. In walks the alien, one who observes without interaction or feeling. The barflies don't know what to make of her as she sits in a corner taking notes on her pad. When the bar begins to transform and music returns, Dylan asks her to dance which she initially refuses, being punished by an implant at the base of her skull. He tries again and she relents. And it's beautiful! Two mirrored images moving as one.
The theme is the transformative nature of dance. Or in fact any creativity. It can help us to transcend our mundane lives. I know it does for me. You know that moment when you are one with the art and all time slips away?
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Laurie Woodward I’d go with B.
It feels more specific and emotionally grounded the goal and stakes are clearer, especially with the idea of freeing her from the device. That gives the story a stronger sense of direction.
A has an interesting tone, but it’s a bit more abstract, so it doesn’t immediately give me a clear narrative to hold onto.
B makes me curious about both the relationship and the outcome.