On Writing : First scene and asking for opinions by Gabriel Perez

Gabriel Perez

First scene and asking for opinions

So I finally got started on writing my novel and even thought I personally have been in a hospital and had anesthesia. Writing my character waking up and describing his state is still hard when I try to remember how it was. So am asking for an opinion if people can get a visualization of the scene from this paragraph. A crash is the last thing I remember, before waking up in a bed. My eyes felt heavy and my vision fuzzy. Tubes cover my nose making breathing easier while I hear a machine beeping at the side. Something was wrapped around my neck that prevented movement, I tried moving my arm and legs to no avail as I felt no strength in them. A few minutes past before my vision adjusted and was able to take notice of my surroundings. A simple white room, white bed sheets, looking around I notice needles in my arm pumping liquids and another hock up the machine.

Aray Brown

sounds good

Lord Graham C Jones

"Was I dead ........ And did not know it? Unable to move, blurred vision. What will I see when the visual obstruction finally clears?"

Robert Rosenbaum

Nice visuals. Are you writing in the present tense or the past tense?

Daisy White

Sounds great - present tense? I'd read on ;-)

Gabriel Perez

Right now am in turmoil between the 2, but will most likely go present because I got an idea of displaying what the 2 main characters feel and I think will help me connect and move the plot. Also when I talk the scenes for myself I play the character so its more natural for me.

Pierre Langenegger

This is a story and not a script but your approach is very script-like and seems to concentrate purely on the visual. I know there needs to be a combination of the two but stories can contain feelings and emotions but this story has not one feeling or emotion. What does the character feel? Are they terrified? Confused? Angry that they're restrained in some respects? That first sentence is so brief but seems to cover a large period of time, as large a period as the remainder of the paragraph, in my opinion. The first half of that sentence is remembering the crash and the second half is waking up and apparently realising you're in a hospital bed, all this before the fuzzy vision, or maybe the elements of this paragraph are in the wrong order. The last time I woke after surgery, I was very confused and had that brief moment of not realising where I was. You wake in an entirely different place to the last place you remember so there has to be confusion there, there has to be a period of adjustment, a period of reestablishing your wits. Drag it out for impact because that's a luxury you have when you're not writing a script.

Gabriel Perez

@Pierre Langenegger you have basically just confirm the fear i been having since i wrote it. Lets see what i can do to fix it. thanks

Gabriel Perez

Update to this post, the last part am not so sure. But I did decide to explain what he remembered while being in the coma will come a bit later. Again any opinion is always welcome A crash is the last thing I remember before opening my eyes, they felt heavy and my vision fuzzy as I try to slowly open them. I could only see the world as a bright white light with small circles appearing and disappearing. Confuse and disorientated I tried to get my bearings, but my head pounding was making it difficult. “Where am I? What happen?” these thoughts pass my mind as the world started to get stable. Deciding to take a few breaths to help clear my mind a familiar feeling of plastic tubes covers my nose making breathing easier. I heard a machine beeping at the side, but I found myself unable to turn around to see. Only then did I notice something wrapped around my neck preventing movement. Next I tried moving my arm and legs to no avail as they had no strength in them. A few minutes past before my vision finally got adjusted and I could study my surroundings. I was lying in a bed inside a simple white room covered with white sheets. I felt a pressure on my arm, looking down I notice a needle piercing my skin, covered with tape, and connected to a bag with liquids. My attention was then focus on a cool patch in my chest where my heart is.

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