Logline:
After failing the university entrance exam and not daring to face his family, Minh – a model student – left home and accidentally fell into a human trafficking ring to Cambodia. Here, he was forced to scam his own people through fake phone calls, living in a mental hell between beatings and haunting guilt. Minh had only one choice: risk his life to escape back to Vietnam… or bury his youth behind bars in a foreign land.
Synopsis:
Minh, an excellent student for 12 years, failed his university wish by only 0.25 points. Not daring to face his parents, Minh left home to return to his hometown Thanh Hoa. During a primary school reunion, Minh was drugged by his old friend – Thanh, and sold to Cambodia through a human trafficking ring.
Waking up in a strange place, Minh found himself locked up with hundreds of other Vietnamese people – a place where people became tools for phone scams. He was forced to memorize scam scripts and call the police, banks, etc. to extort money from his fellow countrymen. Every month, he had to “close” 20 victims – otherwise, the punishment was beatings, starvation, or even organ harvesting.
On the very first day, Minh swindled a nursing mother out of 50 million VND. Despite being rewarded with delicious food and compliments, Minh fell into a mental crisis. Feeling guilty, tormented, and haunted by the fact that he was ruining the lives of others, Minh thought of committing suicide.
Next to Minh was Long, another victim who had become accustomed to the rules of this “hell”. Long tried to stop Minh from giving up, but Long himself had not found a way out.
Minh saw more and more clearly the cruelty of the network: those who failed to meet the quota were starved, locked in dark rooms, or sold to Myanmar. Meanwhile, Thanh – the person who sold Minh – was also betrayed by the organization and fell into a similar situation.
In that hell beyond the border, hope glimmers as Minh contemplates escape. But between the boundary between life and death, will Minh have enough courage to cross the border and return home, or will he be forever engulfed in darkness?
2 people like this
The story is good and has potential. It’s very interesting, and the theme is strong, but there are some nuances to consider.
First, the protagonist is described as an excellent student but fails the university entrance exam. That feels a bit strange. Why would he be an excellent student if he didn’t pass? Maybe it would make more sense if he were an average or below-average student, so it’s logical that he didn’t get accepted.
Second, his relationship with his parents needs clarification. Wouldn’t the parents know what’s happening with their child? You should explain why he doesn’t communicate with them and why they don’t know he failed.
Third, at the end of your logline, you leave it as a question — will he escape or not? That shouldn’t be the case. The logline needs to be clear and definitive. If a producer reads it, they shouldn’t have to guess what happens. Either he escapes or he doesn’t — it must be stated clearly without ambiguity.
Finally, the film needs a clear character arc. The protagonist should change throughout the story. You should indicate what changes in him, how he evolves.
That’s about it.
The story is good and has potential. It’s very interesting, and the theme is strong, but there are some nuances to consider.
First, the protagonist is described as an excellent student but fails the university entrance exam. That feels a bit strange. Why would he be an excellent student if he didn’t pass? Maybe it would make more sense if he were an average or below-average student, so it’s logical that he didn’t get accepted.
Second, his relationship with his parents needs clarification. Wouldn’t the parents know what’s happening with their child? You should explain why he doesn’t communicate with them and why they don’t know he failed.
Third, at the end of your logline, you leave it as a question — will he escape or not? That shouldn’t be the case. The logline needs to be clear and definitive. If a producer reads it, they shouldn’t have to guess what happens. Either he escapes or he doesn’t — it must be stated clearly without ambiguity.
Finally, the film needs a clear character arc. The protagonist should change throughout the story. You should indicate what changes in him, how he evolves.
That’s about it.
The story is good and has potential. It’s very interesting, and the theme is strong, but there are some nuances to consider.
First, the protagonist is described as an excellent student but fails the university entrance exam. That feels a bit strange. Why would he be an excellent student if he didn’t pass? Maybe it would make more sense if he were an average or below-average student, so it’s logical that he didn’t get accepted.
Second, his relationship with his parents needs clarification. Wouldn’t the parents know what’s happening with their child? You should explain why he doesn’t communicate with them and why they don’t know he failed.
Third, at the end of your logline, you leave it as a question — will he escape or not? That shouldn’t be the case. The logline needs to be clear and definitive. If a producer reads it, they shouldn’t have to guess what happens. Either he escapes or he doesn’t — it must be stated clearly without ambiguity.
Finally, the film needs a clear character arc. The protagonist should change throughout the story. You should indicate what changes in him, how he evolves.
That’s about it.
The story is good and has potential. It’s very interesting, and the theme is strong, but there are some nuances to consider.
First, the protagonist is described as an excellent student but fails the university entrance exam. That feels a bit strange. Why would he be an excellent student if he didn’t pass? Maybe it would make more sense if he were an average or below-average student, so it’s logical that he didn’t get accepted.
Second, his relationship with his parents needs clarification. Wouldn’t the parents know what’s happening with their child? You should explain why he doesn’t communicate with them and why they don’t know he failed.
Third, at the end of your logline, you leave it as a question — will he escape or not? That shouldn’t be the case. The logline needs to be clear and definitive. If a producer reads it, they shouldn’t have to guess what happens. Either he escapes or he doesn’t — it must be stated clearly without ambiguity.
Finally, the film needs a clear character arc. The protagonist should change throughout the story. You should indicate what changes in him, how he evolves.
That’s about it.
1 person likes this
Aleksandr Rozhnov Thanks for your comment, the main character is an excellent student. When he took the university entrance exam, he got 27.75 points, enough to get into schools in Vietnam. That is a score that every student wishes for, but the school he took the exam for required 28 points, he was 0.25 points short of passing. Last year, his school only required 27.25 points, but when the results came out, he got 27.75 points. He thought he would definitely pass, but when the standard score was announced, he was shocked by the standard score the school set and in the end......
4 people like this
I would suggest including this detail in the synopsis, so we understand why he didn’t get accepted. I believe it’s an important point that the university changed its admission requirements. That sudden increase in the cutoff score adds emotional weight to his disappointment and helps explain his reaction more clearly.
4 people like this
Exellent basic setup, Thanh. I would deepen the synopsis a bit more, and give us more story, until to the very end. I would also shorten my logline. To 35 words or under. Definitely keep an eye on this one. So much potential!
1 person likes this
Hi, Thanh Trung Nguyen. I’m a Stage 32 Lounge Moderator. I wanted to let you know that I moved your post from the Authoring & Playwriting Lounge to the Screenwriting Lounge since you're asking for feedback on a script logline and synopsis. Let me know if you have any questions.
I suggest tightening up your logline. One or two sentences. And try to keep your logline to 35 words or less, or maybe around 35 words. Also, I suggest taking Minh's name out of the logline. Names in loglines are usually for biopics, well-known stories, and franchises (like Mission: Impossible).
Here’s a logline template that might help: After/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s title/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).
The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: A _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s title/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion).
Example 1: “After crashing on a flooded, abandoned road miles from help, a dysfunctional couple works together to survive against hungry bears.”
Example 2: “A dysfunctional couple works together to survive against hungry bears after crashing their vehicle on a flooded, abandoned road miles from help.”
Overall, nice job on the synopsis. I suggest telling us a little more about Minh and Long's personalities in the synopsis.
I suggest changing the synopsis to present tense.
The fourth paragraph says, "Next to Minh was Long, another victim who had become accustomed to the rules of this “hell”. Long tried to stop Minh from giving up, but Long himself had not found a way out." I'm not sure what "but Long himself had not found a way out" means.
I'm guessing Minh and Long's friendship will be important to the story. If so, I suggest telling us more about their friendship in the synopsis.
I think your synopsis needs more information. Tell us what Minh decides to do. And if he decides to escape, include the obstacles and challenges he faces.
I suggest telling the end instead of asking a question.
4 people like this
As already stated, the logline is too long and detailed, but that detail would be well placed in the synopsis.
My take on the logline:
A student is taken by human traffickers and must navigate an increasingly dangerous world to make it back home alive.
2 people like this
I can see the story you are trying to tell and it’s good!!! Your logline and synopsis aren’t there yet, but that’s okay. Keep revising them!! As you revise, decide what your focus will be for your main character. You could do the human element with guilt, remorse, overcoming challenges. Or…you could do the action movie route. Like if we had seen the movie Taken from the daughter’s viewpoint.