this was originally a five minute short film script written for submission to a film festival but that didn’t happen so i adapted it into a short story which I’ve put up on substack…
please give me your notes for improvement and if anyone wants to collab to turn this into a sizzle reel or POC for a feature film or series pilot, i know exactly where to go from this prologue!
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@James Have you a log line? Clarifying protagonist, conflict & stakes would gain the attention of would be collaborators/producers for adaption into a screenplay. Right now I can’t read whole story due to travel so perused first paragraphs and guess the above opposed to knowing. Seems instantly, that it is a hybrid genre Horror/Sci Fi but I may be wrong, about world it’s set in & who real antagonists are. I’ll read as a whole later then catch up. The reason I answer now and not later, is for the reason producer’s/ script readers need to know what the story is about, before they even pick it up.
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Hi, James LO. I’m a Stage 32 Lounge Moderator. I wanted to let you know I moved your post from the Screenwriting Lounge to the Authoring & Playwriting Lounge since you’re asking for feedback on a short story. Let me know if you have any questions.
I really like Foreign Body! Catchy title. I can see the short story being a feature film or TV series.
I suggest describing the location at the start of the story. It’ll help the reader picture the scene and know where the story is taking place. And you can use the location to tell the reader thinks about the characters and story.
I also suggest describing the characters when they’re introduced, but I’m not sure if that’s something writers do in short stories.
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appreciate the feedback received so far
Maurice Vaughan i think I’ll update and tidy the screenplay then post it here—that will have the usual slug lines showing location and time, and also brief descriptions of each character when they appear
Debbie Croysdale it’s a short one so i hope you’ll have time to come back to read it. i feel the only way to have a logline or synopsis would be a producer-facing version which contains spoilers. although very short, the tale twists a couple of times—as i hope you’ll agree after you’ve had a chance to read it