THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES

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REMARKABLE
By Anthony Moore

GENRE: Action, Drama, Science Fiction
LOGLINE:

Four bullied teens must elude the new drug lord, their principal, while attempting prevent a drug war that would tear the city apart.

SYNOPSIS:

Michael,an Olympic hopeful whose parents died in an accident,gets sent home from school after being beaten by bullies. The TV news informs him that the city’s current drug lord has been murdered by a rival gang in spite of a long standing truce. Betsy, a shy and quiet girl, is rescued from a gang by Yolanda, a street smart inventor, and Thomas, a computer geek with a crush on her. Trapped in a classroom during a school lock down the trio become acquainted. While Kelly, a punk rock type who plays at being tough, is being chastised by the school principal, Mr. Ryker, for a missing a deadline.

Yolanda is attacked by a gang only to frighten them off by shocking the leader with her invention, “Taser-underwear”. Betsy, impressed asks for a pair. Thomas is attacked by a gang but Ryker intervenes. Michael finds out that an unheard of number of drug busts are going on all over the city. Kelly turns to the school janitor for help but is turned away.

Betsy, Yolanda and Thomas attend teen party where they meet Michael. The party is really a gang recruitment for new dealers. Using Michaels smart-watch, the group escapes but not before Thomas is killed. Paranoid, the trio are approached by Kelly and invited to meet with him later. At the meet, Kelly divulges that he has invented a new designer street drug that his boss is about to start to distribute. Michael informs him that it would start an all-out gang war. The building is attacked but the group escapes. Afterwards, Ryker calls to confirm the kill. Ryker wants Kelly dead to prevent anyone else from getting the formula, making him the new drug lord. Kelly arranges a meet to bargain for their lives. Knowing that Ryker will not keep his word, Kelly makes plans of his own.

At the meet, Ryker tries to have the group assassinated but using Kelly’s homemade gas grenades, they prevent the danger. At the same time and according to plan, a rival gang attacks the building and during the confusion the group escapes. With assistance from the school’s janitor, who happens to be an undercover narcotic agent and owns one of the world’s few flying cars. They attempt a quick getaway and are almost blown out of the sky.

Returning to the school to destroy the formula, they find Ryker and his gang already waiting. Betsy, using a gas grenade creates a diversion while the rest of the group barricade themselves in the principal’s office. Kelly initiates a school lock down, which automatically alerts the authorities. Unfortunately, Betsy is taken hostage by Ryker’s thugs. While attempting to negotiate for her release, the janitor suddenly throws himself and Betsy to the floor and Ryker and his goons are cut down by law enforcement who had been waiting in the wings.

Lisa Scott

Anthony -- this story is all over the place. You need a strong backbone... and that has to come from your protagonist and your antagonist, neither of which are clearly defined. As a synopsis -- the first paragraph is all set up and just a description. You don't need this. You've already said it was story set in the future. You need to start right into the story. Try this: first ID your protagonist. I'm guessing that's Kelly. Next -- Paragraph 1 - your set up of the major situation with your protagonist Paragraph 2 & 3 -- conflict, ID a B-story if you have one (like a love interest or something), conflict intermingled with the B-story. Break it down with the heavy beats and always stress the conflict between your protag and antag. Paragraph 4 -- Final resolution of the major conflict. Drop the post-story tag. One more thing -- you never mention what the drug does. Is it a good drug or a killer? ie -- maybe it's a performance enhancing drug that cannot be identified by the Olympic committed. whatever, something integral to the story. Write on!

Lisa Scott

Cut the first paragraph -- it's all set up. Start by saying something like: Two opposing gangs have called a truce and now working together to produce and sell this drug. When Kelly develops a new strain, one that will (do what?) it causes the 2 gangs to (do what -- start fighting/killing themselves?) And don't explain the drug this way. We need to know specifically why everybody wants it... why they NEED it. It just sounds like LSD -- nobody needs that. And who wants to re-live old memories? What do we NEED?

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