Hi Jean –Pierre Thanks for posting your script. Your logline interested me enough to make me want to look, and your story and writing kept me reading till the end – but you’ve only posted 21 pages :( You’ve got talent and I look forward to reading the rest of the script. Please message me when it’s ready and I will be happy to give you constructive feedback (if you wish).

What's good, JP! I love the title, the concept, your narrative style. Love where you're going…. Here's a tip from The Art Of Dramatic Writing on unity of oppsosites or conflicting agendas. Nicetys such as thank you, your welcome, etc. dilute tone and dramatic intensity. Ex. P16. Rye says, I'm sorry, he ain't got no manners. If you delete, I'm sorry, and she says, with attitude, that fool ain't got no manners! You increase the intensity and conflict just by not saying the nicety. I see they're happy college guys and girls, but the sooner they get to arguing and fighting with each other the better…. This was a pleasure to read. Way to post work, my friend! Great work, JP!

@Leona, I really appreciate that. I plan on being done by the end of the month so I'll definitely take you up on that offer. @Shawn, thanks for the read, brother. I always forget about that. I try to make my characters sound "real" and forget about the entertainment factor in it all, so I end up sticking in the "yeah, well," and "um, I guess". I'll definitely remove them where I see fit. Rye's dialogue is a perfect example. And plus it reads funny, so it's perfect.

Hi Jean-Pierre Shawn and Bix have given you some good feedback so far. I will add that we know too much about the protagonists too soon. We know by page 21 that they’re all supreme athletes, so of course they’re going to be an equal match for the crazies. What if they’re were all injured and on their way to a treatment centre? That would make them not so quick to brag about their abilities and probably not want to talk about their strengths. It would make the killers think they were easy targets and as time went on they, and us, realise they’ve got some mad skills. What about some more conflict between the main characters? The engaged couple for starters. One could be cheating. Or a jealous friend trying to break them up. They’re just all too nice to each other. Something that maybe gets revealed whilst they’re being hunted causing issues with solidarity? Just a few thoughts for now. I’ll wait until I’ve read the entire script and give you further feedback privately.

@Bix - I'm glad you found my beginning so brutal to the point where you question whether or not I'll be able to top it. It's candy compared to the rest. I just googled "The Most Dangerous Game". That's pretty awesome and sadistic. I never heard of it. Why haven't they made a recent movie about this? Thanks for the compliment. Yeah, my "protagonists" are just normal people. That's the one thing I'm afraid may hurt my script. I've watched several great slashers, but I haven't seen an example of this outstanding protagonists with clever dialogue and strong character flaws. Yes, I can be the "first", but if I have a group of kids getting picked off, I don't see where there's room for these compelling characters. It's something I'll work on. Thanks, Bix. I'm assuming you don't know what "went postal" and/or "Yuppie" means? Think Patrick Bateman. So where did you stop? Your notes only imply that you read maybe three or four pages. Thanks for your very detailed and constructive criticism, Bix. May I ask why you took your script and our notes off of your page? Are you rewriting it, and then plan on showing us your improvements later?

@ Leona - I actually didn't tell people they were college athletes in a first draft, and several people told me to tell us that in the beginning because it hooks the reader. Sigh... I'll consider it. There's some inner conflict between the engaged couple. As the script goes on, you'll see the flaws between them. But you're saying we should know right away. I'll think about how I can do that. Thanks.

Loglines are always a work in progress so it's not probably a priority at the moment. I meant conflict between all the other protagonists. Isn't it usually more fun when someone tries to break up a happy couple? Or a seemingly happy couple are crazy behind closed doors? (Maybe that's just what my sick twisted mind likes to watch!) But once I see the whole forest, as opposed to a few trees, I'll be able to make a more informed assessment.

One more thing (probably not, but, whatever!) Ensure your action descriptions are a maximum of four lines. Large blocks of text are off-putting to read. At this stage concentrate on the story and finishing the draft. It will be one of many. All the other factors, i.e. dialogue, character development, etc will flow naturally if the story is solid. Happy writing.

Thoughts as I go... just my opinion of course and what do I know... 1) Like the opening scene and the setting, great contrast with the normal tranquility of a golf course. 2) The characters introduced seem a little 'stock' bit like Cabin in the Woods... maybe this is intentional 3) There's a couple of places where the dialogue seems a little below what you might expect from college students... but I'm a Brit so could be wrong... e.g. We done came all the way from 4) Some good lines in here too, loved 'They don't got gators' 5) Like the setup of the Newman's interesting group! Read to the end, pages went quickly, I'm a horror fan so could see influences from all over in here but they were all twisted a little so would read on/watch the movie. Anthony

Thanks for the read guys. @Anthony, So I get one side telling me my character introductions are too generic, and the other saying they're confusing. lol. I'll find a balance somewhere. I'm friends with some people from the DEEP south that are college educated, and they know how to speak formally, but when they're around people they're comfortable with they speak like that. I'm glad you enjoyed. @ Leona - I wholeheartedly agree with the no more than 4 lines rule. Were you referring to my work or just telling me in general? I never do it, but my eyes slip over so many things when I proofread so who knows.

(I thought I already posted this) @ Carl - NO ONE knows what bolas are! lol. I had them in another script which eleven people reviewed, and eleven people told me they had to google what they were. So I gave you the visual instead, lol. I'll change the thin and feeble line, and also the the introduction to let the audience know that they all have jackets. Thanks. It was Richard who said Musketeer, not Rye. Richard's a dunce. There's a reason for Kaleb's dislike for Dawson, and it plays in later in the movie. I tried not to do any "fill in" dialogue. I wanted every line to count so if the viewer rewatched the film, you would be like "Ah-ha" Thanks for the compliments. I'll fix the typos. I'm glad you liked it.

Oooops. Looks like I got you mixed up with another script. Let's pretend you never knew and I'm telling you in general ;)

Horror is not my genre, but it hooked me in and I enjoyed reading it. I liked your characters, and I agree with the comments about dumping the students a mile from hell, and the contrast of the golf course v. hell.