Screenwriting : First Log Line, Is It Okay? by Rose Summers

I like the concept, but I think the word "delusional" is not the best word choice. That's like just one degree above "wrong"; is a bit trite; and doesn't tell enough. Is it a "sex-only" relationship? Is it "vacuous relationships with self-absorbed men?" Is it "emotionally empty relationships?" Or something else? Also, the "two complex, enticing men"...then is she "forced to decide between them", or is this a three-way relationship situation? Is she forced to "let go of her fears of real intimacy, committment and potential failure and heartbreak?" Is she forced to "take down her protective walls and emotionally commit?" I like the concept, but I think the logline needs to be more telling and more elevated.

It's actually a literal delusion. A figment of her imagination. The first man she meets, even though she's drawn to him, she rejects in order to not chase away her delusion. The second one is the actual person that her delusion is based upon. Her situation gets sticky from there.

That's pretty wild. No disrespect intended, but that sounds like a psychotic break from reality. Does this delusion have a make-believe character with whom she does stuff with? I think you really need to make that more clear in your logline, and that you also need to convey in tone whether it's light-hearted or dark. This is like David Lynch/Charles Kaufman territory. I hope this is more like a quirky romantic dramedy than a gut-wrenching John Cassavetes drama.

Romantic drama. There is a line where guy one states that she's practically psychotic when he finds out about her. I tend to touch on mental instability in a lot of my writing. She does interact with a spectre version of the delusion, and I think the overall premise is territory that a lot of people (particularly teens) will be able to identify with. Thank you for your comments. They've been a lot of help. I'll see what I can do with the logline.

And Bill, your line, "let go of her fears of real intimacy, commitment and potential failure and heartbreak?" was spot on. Thanks :)

How's this: "A woman who's replaced romance with an imaginary relationship is forced to let go of her fears of intimacy and potential heartbreak when she develops feelings for a complex, enticing man." Since she doesn't carry on with both men simultaneously, I figure it's better not to use two in the logline.

That certainly crystallizes things a lot better than the first one. One more note - to me, the word "complex" isn't very effective, since it could mean so many different things. I'd re-think that one and choose a descriptor that more concretely encompasses his (I'm assuming) inner depths that you are referring to, or his outer depths if that's what you're getting at. By the way, my imaginary girlfriend is already jealous of her. and just read me the riot act. Women...I swear....

Thank you, I think :) She's more of an Elisabeth Bennett than anything, however there's not a lack of passion or romance, just sex.

Indeed it does. That's more the realm of the sequel; seduce them with the first, nail them with the second.

There are two types of questions that execs have after reading/ hearing pitches. If they're allured and their interest piqued then they ask questions about what happens next, where does the story go from there, etc. However if they are confused then they ask questions that reflect a muddled understanding of your story. You NEVER want them to be confused about your premise, so a pitch should probably err on the side of being too simple and straightforward, and especially so when it deals with alternate states of reality, mental delusion, etc. I think you have to be more explicit than the logline is currently. NOBODY should say "Huh?" after reading your pitch (except people who might lose their job soon).