Screenwriting : Scripting dialogue for a call format by Michael L. Mizrahi

Hi Michael, I think you did it right. It's pretty clear for a one sided call like this. One thing you might want to get a second opinion about is the use of (beat). It had also been my go to over the years. Lately, I've been reading that (beat) isn't preferred much these days. To get around it, as in your case, I'm leaning toward something like (listens, rushes) and then maybe (listens, checks watch). The inference of the use of (beat) seemed to suggest that a skilled actor will know how to handle the scene without the note. So I've been trying minor instructions :) Is what I said true? I don't know. I'd like to hear what others think.

I forgot: I did Write for character JADE (ON PHONE)

Thanks Tracy, i think my way is a more reader friendly dialogue too.

re: beat - I prefer beat rather than give the direction (listens). It's a phone call, no need to complicate it with parenthetical direction. It's of no value. I'll tell you why. I did hear the same thing you heard about using (beat). However i then heard something that I consider more advanced and that's, don't use parentheticals at all, unless absolutely necessary. Let the actor, act. Same for scenery and wardrobe. example: "a character at a BDSM party", instead of describing in 3 lines what she's wearing head to toe, (which I did originally). i just wrote, reveal: She's a kinked-out Wonder Woman. I think by making all these eliminations, the script improved, was a better read, and actor, director, wardrobe and art design friendly. I don't even describe what the character looks like. I give the reader full creative control to have their own experience and easy reading. Lots of white space.

I prefer beat too. But like you're hearing, I want to go toward nothing. Yes, let the actor act. I agree with your comment about descriptions too, strip them down. Yes, lots of white space. I heard readers with a paper copy used to thumb through all the pages in 10 seconds to see if scripts were too dense before deciding to read. You come from TV as well, you know what it's like with sides et all.. Sparse.

Hi Michael! You're spot on. Just make the phone call visual. Show what's she's doing while on the phone (biting her nails, stumbling on the street, etc).

ON PHONE

JADE

Hello!

She waves down a taxicab OR She whistles like a sailor for a taxicab. (or whatever)

JADE

I’m on my way! In thirty minutes!

She bangs like a madwoman on a taxicab's windshield.

JADE

I know, I know! I'm literally jumping in a cab right now

END.

Whatever way, I think a visual approach will nail it for you! Cheers, mate!

I would personally use the “BEAT’ to add a person note.

@DD Myles - haha. See you imagined the scene. Thanks for the validation. But I wouldn't write any of those directions. I think the tone of the call implies she's late and in a rush. The actor can take it from there. Biting nails and banging on windows is the actors job to act late. Trust them. They'll appreciate the freedom. That direction does not drive the story. Just my opinion.

@Craig thank you too

p.s. I didn't include the gag about Jade. The thing is, she wasn't jumping in a cab, she was lying to the person on the phone. As soon as she hung up abruptly after her last line. She walks into Starbuck's to meet a friend, establishing the character Jade on page 1 viola.

I use ...

What does the camera "see", besides an actor talking on a phone?

Read produced scripts of your fav movies with similar phone scenes, and copy the formatting on the page

I do it like the that that person who wrote: It means the same thing in a screenplay.

JADE

Hello!... I'm on my way! I'll be there in thirty minutes...

I know, I know! I'm literally jumping in a cab right now!

@Dan G - It does mean the same, doesn't it. I just think my way is easier on the eyes.

INT. JADE’S APARTMENT - SUNRISE

Manhattan. JADE (28), wakes to her annoying phone alarm. She rolls over - just 5 more minutes.

Series of shots: Jade’s morning routine.

-- Showers.

-- Dresses in flight attendant uniform.

-- Has breakfast with her 2 cats.

-- Exits her apartment with carry-on suitcase in tow.

EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

Morning rush hour. Jade walks and pulls her suitcase. Her phone rings. It’s work. Jade stops at Starbuck’s entrance.

JADE (ON PHONE)

Hello!

(beat)

I’m on my way! I’ll be there in thirty minutes!

(beat)

I know, I know! -- I’m literally jumping into a cab right now! Lemme go! See you soon. Bye!

Jade hangs up abruptly and enters Starbuck’s.

Michael L. Mizrahi whats the intent of scene & character? She is in a rush to work, gets call, but doesnt care? Does going into starbuck's store mean she doesnt give a fuck about work time?

You know it's easier to shoot/production with no dialogue. Simple text on phone from work, "where are you?". She text back, "on the way. Traffic." But goes inside Starbucks.

@Dan MaxXx it does imply she doesn't give fuck. yes you got it.

How do I film '- just five more minuets' and how do I film 'It's work.'? Just drop the beats. A knowledgeable actor knows how to do the business.