In my current script, a sci-fi adventure script, the protagonist is on the run and evading capture by powerful forces. The fact that there are other motivations pushing the character forward and shaping their choices is metered out slowly as other characters and incidents force the revelation of what's really going on bit by bit, through both action and dialogue.
The hope is that this will be intriguing. We learn a little bit more about the real motivations, that go beyond just mere self-preservation. The character is in a situation where they cannot trust anybody and to trust them with the information they are carrying would be to put them at risk. There's only one party they can trust, and they have to get there.
It's not until page 82 of a 122 page script that it becomes more apparent that the protagonist has another option besides self-preservation...self-sacrifice to save the world and their beloved father.
And even then, we don't learn what that self-sacrifice entails until the moment that the antagonist learns they have been egregiously suckered by a sophisticated plan for which the protagonist is a willing agent.
My last reader apparently did not get this, while other readers did. So now I am concerned that I am holding back too much and I just need to lay it all out early on. Having just read the script over, I feel strongly that it just works, but maybe needs some more hints and clues and drops along the way, and maybe one moment where the protagonist opens up a little and trusts to a degree.
Anyway...thoughts on this sort of problem?
Personally, I feel not knowing exactly the whole truth about the adventure/journey and internal conflict the character is facing makes it more engaging, not less, like bread crumbs that we want to follow to the goal.
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Thanks Ty. I literally started a major rewrite and then stopped myself. I'm taking the feedback as a sign that I could just drop more breadcrumbs and maybe half a slice. Recently added some dialogue in which protagonist asks for advice from a friend/ally as a hypothetical without giving any specific information. Now we can see the quandry that the protagonist is grappling with...and the importance of the choice they ultimately make.
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Michael the protagonist doesn't change their essential nature, they are grappling with an internal conflict of understanding the choices they have to make. The audience knows that the first goal is simply to not be captured, to survive, and we see that clearly. We get the sense that there is something more motivating the character beyond mere survival, but we only learn bit by bit what those motivations are. And therefore the nature of the internal conflict. It is a choice between self-preservation and self-interest vs. self-sacrifice and a greater good. They have the opportunity to retreat into perfect safety and literal Nirvana or to remain in the conflict and risk total destruction of self though a big benefit for the world at large and for a loved one. The problem may be that if we think they are just trying to survive and there are not enough hints that something much deeper is happening here, that audiences/readers may not identify/sympathize with the character. I feel if I reveal the deeper motivations/quandaries of the character right off the bat, then I am spilling all the narrative tension. On the other hand, if I hold back too much for too long, then I risk the protagonist becoming unrootable. I know this is a complicated narrative problem, so I am just looking for xome insight. Maybe somebody will say the right thing to give me that ah ha moment and the right balance will be revealed. Thanks.
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Without having read your script, I'd have to say don't let one person's notes deter you from the story structure you are proud of and feel works well...especially if nobody else who has read your script feels that way. If you do feel like you want to sprinkle in clues of your protagonist's motivations/options I think you could do that without giving away the truth too early. I'm always a big fan of plant/payoffs in stories.
Thanks znick. I think what threw me was it was an industry read and they basically said there was no story, no reason to care about the protagonist because all we have is a goal to survive and that’s not enough. Which was a bit shocking. I guess anyone can have a bad day or just give a script a cursyread sometimes. I’ll need to get a few more reads to see if this is a real problem or not. Just ran three it again and laid down more breadcrumbs and some bigger hints. Oh and I am looking to do a script sea with another writer so if you or anyone else wants to do that let me know.
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Hi Steven, it is difficult to give advice or thoughts specifically without having read your script, as others have mentioned. Are all the readers you're mentioning actual "readers"? As in, are some friends and family but others are outsiders whose main goal is to serve you and the script? If so, that may help guide your decisions. If they are all qualified, then it may be easier to do the "one is an anomaly" method. My personal choice would be to get one more reader to look at it to see if it truly is a one-off.
My only advice is most hope like to watch “how” someone achieves something more than “why”.
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If anybody would like to script swap with me....
Script Swap: "Mary in the White Room", Sci/Fi Adventure, Feature
Would like to swap script coverage with another writer. Here's the logline and Coverfly page for more details.
"Mary in the White Room", Sci/Fi Adventure, Feature, 122 pages
When a newly self-aware humanoid robot runs from the corporate and government forces that want to weaponize its technology a secret war breaks out between two powerful Artificial Intelligence systems and the future of the world hangs in the balance of the choices that it makes.
https://writers.coverfly.com/projects/view/315f3958-68f6-4434-8e0c-70f75...
The script is nearing completion and my primary concern at this juncture is whether the protagonist's goals and motivations are clear enough.
Looking for a reader who is a fan of the genre.
Let me know about your script and if it interests me, we can swap coverage.
I'm looking to write and receive coverage of the same format that one would receive from an industry standard service. I have a 4.65/5 rating for my coverage on CoverflyX.
Thank you!
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Very hard to answer without reading your full script. Generally it’s getting a balance of laying seeds of intrigue that later pay off, either tease then reveal intermittently or one long mystery then wow didn’t see end scene coming but makes perfect sense looking back at foundation already laid. If some of your readers are confused but others satisfied it could be just a few paragraphs need tweaking where lines are blurred to create ambiguity. I’d find out which chunks of script created these cheese holes.
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Steven Vincent I must admit I am not a fan of the genre, but I get a strong sense that you know exactly what you are doing and are humble (and wise) enough to ask for advice. I wish the best for you.
There are no gotchas. Just ah has.