I resubmitted my latest Screen Play THE AFFAIR for an industry review after receiving some notes and CONSIDER/CONSIDER. "ABAGAIL EVENS INVESTIGATES: THE AFFAIR" is a well-executed crime thriller that needs only some minor areas of improvement to take it to the next level.
The first and most significant step for the writer is to find and build a personal arc for one or both of the detectives.
I added some scenes to round out the Protagonists and resubmitted.
(Anyone guess the ending of this post yet?)
The storyline needs to be tightened up. There are too many flashbacks and there is too much dialogue.
The writer needs to rework the dialogue and cut as much of it as possible, replacing it with more visual scenes. We need to be shown more and told less. Reducing the amount of dialogue will also help tighten up the story, which the script needs as well.
WRITER: PASS SCREEN PLAY: PASS
And to end with some humour for the Monty Python fans out there. One note:
Pg. 49 – DCI Wainwright says he wants a baby, and DCI Evans calls him Lorretta, but his name is Clifford.
The last line of that scene: CLIFFORD: (Chuckles) Lorretta, classic.
Simon
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:D I feel your pain (to revive a 90s expression).
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I'm old enough to remember. :-)
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Is it possible do send the script back to my first reviewer through Industry Read? Does anyone know?
Maybe it was the formatting.
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Lol. Well there were some notes on that. An extra space between two words, a full stop I/o comma but over all its the same formatting as the first submission. It's just one person's view which differs conversely with the first. I was hoping if not expecting Recommend/ Recommend after the first, so PASS/PASS sat me back on my heels somewhat.
LOL
It's a stage 32 service. An industry reader review. I don't get to choose the reviewer. I keep coming back to the definition of madness and questioning my next steps.
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Simon Hartwell "Is it possible do send the script back to my first reviewer through Industry Read?" Sam Mannetti should know (success@stage32.com).
It's not a avenue I'll be using again.
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@Maurice. Many thanks.
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The show/tell aspect I've been thinking about recently.
A ninety page screenplay is generally ninety mins right? But what about atmospheric screenplays where half a page could be one minute, and that goes for most of the screenplay? We're told to not have too much white space at the end of a page so what's the solution?
Simon Hartwell I haven't read your screenplay but you seem really excited about it, so it's just down to finding the right person(s) to connect with.
Best of luck shaking this off and finding them.
You're welcome, Simon Hartwell.
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Many thanks. Valid comments all. Interesting about the white space as I've heard the opposite from webinars and reviews. Producers look first for the white space. They want to see the white. (Or that's what I took away) Not pages of Action text.
I'll have to look more into this white space thing. An eighty page screenplay that you know would be one hundred minutes of film, you don't space it out to one hundred pages right? From what I've learnt about the rules it's not something a spec writer should be doing is it?
Cheats of margins, font size and other tricks to expand or contract length are easily spotted.
So, no. Those reading take on an independent attitude and wonder if the writer has the ability to edit.
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White space is really important, Simon Hartwell. White space makes for a faster, easier read. Scott Myers wrote on his blog "Minimum Words, Maximum Impact."
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I understand white space in that way Maurice Vaughan. And I use it appropriately. I thought we were talking about it in terms of having one paragraph at the top of the page, nothing else, because you know that paragraph describes one minute of screen time.
That doesn't seem right to me.
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Well, I've never thought to pad my screenplay to make it look longer. I would imagine an experienced Producer would be constantly assessing the scenes for time. Sone would be more some less. The page a minute is more a rule of thumb or guide as I understand it. I've decided to set the last review aside. Mentally, it challenged everything I've learnt so far, and if he is right, then the many Producers and writers I have watched over hours of webinars, often in the early hours due to time zones are wrong and, honestly, I just can't handle that. My take away. Until I am Produced no will pay any attention to my writing to produce it.
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Yeah I don't pad. And take all formatting seriously now, not just white space.
I was just wondering what people would recommend in terms of atmospheric screenplays written tightly in terms of description, that come out at eighty pages, or less. You'd be judged for it being too short before they read it if they didn't know your intentions.
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That is an interesting take on it Ty, thanks. I like that approach, makes the read more immersive.
So if I did write a screenplay that's sixty pages of text that amounts to ninety minutes of screen time, I'll keep that in mind. Rather than be judged for it being too short and having no one read it as they don't think it's a feature.
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There's one film in particular I saw where over five minutes of screen time would have been written something like: In a small pond an elderly man fishes as his boat drifts.
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Hey, Gen Vardo. I was directing my white space comment to Simon Hartwell.