I wonder if some of you creative folks would help me with pitches for two scripts I may tear apart and rewrite from page one. One lesson I learned is to start with the pitch and work from there when you want to fix a script. So, I reworked two pitches and wonder if they "work" in the sense of making people want to read the script.
(1) Escaping the Future - As violent anti-technology madness sweeps the globe, a college student dodges bandits, militias, and disease in a quest to reach an island refuge where he can help preserve something valuable through a coming Dark Age.
(2) Impulse - A struggling cyber-sleuth uncovers a deadly conspiracy to hide deaths and injuries caused by an illicit experiment with brain implants that eliminate aggression and sexual desire.
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I really like your "Escaping the Future" logline, Chester Davis. My only suggestions are:
#1) Add an adjective for the college student (selfish, reckless, etc.).
#2) Rewrite "something valuable." Maybe use "a valuable object" instead (or valuable artifact, valuable device, etc.).
The "Impulse" logline has the protagonist, the inciting incident, and the stakes, but the logline doesn't have the protagonist's goal/the story goal or the obstacle/antagonist.
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Maurice Vaughan I agree with you. Good loglines, but maybe a few tweaks will help. By the way, I tried to highlight your name in my "thank you" for your positive logline score. For some reason it won't work. So, muchos gracias, Maurice!
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You're welcome, Robin Gregory. Sometimes a person's name won't show up when you put @ in front of their name, so you have to refresh the page.
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Hi Chester! Nice to meet you! If you are a writers room member here on Stage 32, there is a terrific tool at your disposal to help you with your pitching technique. Every Thursday (5:30 pm PST/8:30 EST) I co-host the Pitch Practice Tank Session with the incredible Brooklynn Fields. We conduct a safe but honest and supportive space for you to attend, either to listen to other attendees pitch their scripts and eventually pitch your own, or jump right in and pitch. Brooklynn and I take volunteers at the beginning of each session for the following week, and during the session, we give notes on the pitches we hear. Usually we take 5-6 volunteers. I hope you can attend our sessions, as I feel our pitch tank could really help you.
Eliminate sexual desire and aggression? Sounds like Clockwork Orange to me. Wasn't that a Stanley Kubrick film?
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Chester, I'd love to read "Escaping the Future!"