Dear esteemed colleagues,
Happy Monday!
You've been so helpful with my logline for a 1900s supernatural/drama feature. I'd love feedback on the revised version:
A headstrong, half-alien orphan struggles to find his place with a disapproving father, a ruthless ward, and outlaw E.T. kin who are hunted as hostile Natives.
Please let me know how your revisions are going. Thank you!
1 person likes this
Happy Monday, Robin Gregory. I think your logline would sound smoother if you put the inciting incident or the date and location at the start.
2 people like this
Hi Maurice Vaughan . That's a great idea. It'll inject more drama. I really appreciate your input. You're the best!
2 people like this
How does this sound, Maurice Vaughan?
After his adoptive mom dies, a headstrong, half-alien orphan struggles to find his place with a disapproving father, a ruthless ward, and outcast ET kin in early 1900s, Western America.
2 people like this
I like the new intro, Robin Gregory, but I think you should keep "who are hunted as hostile Natives" in the logline. who are hunted as hostile Natives" adds more conflict to the logline.
"After his adoptive mom dies, a headstrong, half-alien orphan struggles to find his place with a disapproving father, a ruthless ward, and outlaw E.T. kin who are hunted as hostile Natives."
2 people like this
Probably too late to rewrite the father's role, but...
A half-alien teen in the wild west, must mature by being street smart, as the death of his mother leads to his father choosing to hunt his kind.
2 people like this
Too many villains in the sentence - father, ward, ET Kin. I would focus on one big stake; between MC and one villain. GL!
1 person likes this
What was it like world building for this concept Robin Gregory?
1 person likes this
Hey Wal Friman , thank you kindly for the input. I can see now (with the help of you all) that it's confusing to have so many roles in the logline! Will work on that.
Thank you so much, Dan MaxXx, I think you're right. Too many villains!
1 person likes this
Hey Mark Giacomin , thanks for stopping by. It was a lot of fun to set the story in a period when populations were flooding into the US, and there was a huge spiritual revival going on. I want to include star beings or holy visitors, not so much for sci-fi or special effects, but to show highly advanced human-like characters misjudged, misunderstood, and persecuted, like so many non-white nations. I hope to show the irony and absurdity of judging by appearances.
Yeah Maurice Vaughan , I think you're onto something. I am deeply grateful!
1 person likes this
This sounds great! Nice work Robin Gregory
1 person likes this
Nice logline :) I love the image too!
1 person likes this
Wow! Robin Gregory Your script sounds really interesting
1 person likes this
Okay Robin! I will give it a go. How about this: "With the loss of his adoptive mother a headstrong half-alien teenager must discover who he is in a hostile world of unacceptance. District 9 meets ET in this coming of age alien tale... "
1 person likes this
"District 9 meets ET in this coming of age, turn of the century American West alien tale..." Just my thoughts...
Hey Nick Waters Lee-ann Suddick Sydney S , thank you SOOO much for the positive support! It means the world to me.
Thank you kindly for brainstorming with me, Curt Samlaska . I really like your ideas!
1 person likes this
Robin Gregory You’ve got this! Let your heart choose the Logline…It will be the right one ♥️
Lee-ann Suddick , will you be my MANAGER???
1 person likes this
Haha! Robin Gregory YOU are your Manager, you’re Scorp! We march to the beat of our own drum with unstoppable fire and passion
I'm grateful for the vote of confidence. Thank you, thank you, dear Lee-ann Suddick !
Robin Gregory You’re welcome!