Screenwriting : Longline update by Ryan Avery

Your script sounds interesting, @Ryan Avery. I think your logline needs some work. Here’s a logline template that might help:

“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It's called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).

I just realized I already commented about the logline template and Christopher Lockhart's webinar on your other post, @Ryan Avery.

Maurice Vaughan yes! ahah i'm guessing it still needs some work

Your logline is getting better though, Ryan Avery.

Yeah...it is a bit long and convoluted. Needs to be distilled...concentrating on key points. "A down on his luck young man takes a job with a mysterious scientific company, unaware he was selected to be an incubator for an ancient evil entity..."

Too long. Why is JACOB in uppercase format? Does it stand for something?

Take out the protagonists name. I don't need to know their name. lose two words in the count.

Now that you've told me the story, I don't have to see the movie. Thanks. Try: Desperate for work, a luckless man accepts a job in a science facility and becomes an experiment. (In real life, he would be also stupid if he didn't ask for or wasn't given an informed consent form before participating in ghoulish tomfoolery. Has he never seen a horror movie before? Yeah, let's hide behind the chain saws.)