Producing : Seeking Producer Feedback on Logline/Concept for US-Egypt Psychological Thriller by Salma Hassaballa

Salma Hassaballa

I find the story truly compelling and worth highlighting. Projects that weave cross-cultural elements often enjoy a broader commercial market, as they resonate with diverse audiences.

I would suggest the following logline, which I believe captures both the cultural and psychological dimensions while keeping it concise and marketable:

“Stranded in Egypt, an American fashion mogul is torn between his material world and his spiritual legacy, embarking on a journey that redefines his identity.”

Husin Alkhatib Thank you for your generous feedback and for crafting such a powerful logline suggestion! I love how it highlights the cultural and psychological depth of the story. Do you think emphasizing the thriller aspect as well would strengthen it, or is it better to keep it focused as you framed it?

Okay, I also like that the experts here in the community share their thoughts, but I believe that having an American fashion mogul in Egypt wrestling with his nightmares naturally involves a lot of thriller elements, even if it’s not explicitly mentioned.

Husin Alkhatib Great point; you’re right that the thriller elements are naturally woven into the setup. I’ll be curious to see how others here in the community feel about whether it’s worth making them more explicit in the logline or leaving them implied. Thanks again for your valuable perspective!

There are some Thriller elements in your logline, Salma Hassaballa. The suspense, ticking clock, and stakes. I think your logline is strong, but if you could find a way to add the antagonist, that would make your logline even stronger.

Without seeing the script, it sounds interesting, but understand true that no US production company is likely to get involved if the story might not resonate with the American market first and foremost, which is still the primary market for film. While the idea might appeal outside the US, it must also appeal within the US. This seems like it might not, to be honest.

Maurice Vaughan I really appreciated your note about adding the antagonist.

Here’s the updated version I came up with:

“When a cynical American fashion mogul is stranded in Cairo by a missed flight, his nightmares bleed into reality, forcing him to uncover a buried Egyptian legacy and confront the sinister syndicate that monetizes human trauma, before they erase his mind and destroy his empire.”

I’d love to hear your thoughts on whether this feels stronger, or if you think it could be refined further

I think that logline is stronger, Salma Hassaballa. I have two suggestions though:

Your logline is 45 words now. I suggest taking out "by a missed flight" to make your logline a little shorter.

Change "uncover a buried Egyptian legacy" to "uncover his buried Egyptian legacy" so we know it's his buried legacy.

Shadow Dragu-Mihai Thank you for your honesty; it’s really helpful. My protagonist is originally Egyptian but built his career in the US, and the central conflict is universal: power, trauma, and survival. Like many recent international hits, I believe this blend of familiar thriller beats with a fresh cultural backdrop can actually strengthen its resonance with U.S. audiences. I’d love to hear your thoughts; what elements do you think would make a story like this connect even more with an American audience, while still keeping its Egyptian identity?

Husin Alkhatib I’d really appreciate your precious insight on the latest version of the logline:

"When a cynical American fashion mogul is stranded in Cairo, his nightmares bleed into reality, forcing him to uncover his buried Egyptian legacy and confront the sinister syndicate that monetizes human trauma, before they erase his mind and destroy his empire."

Do you feel this version captures both the personal stakes and the global resonance?

Maurice Vaughan Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback! I’ve applied those adjustments to sharpen it further.

You're welcome, Salma Hassaballa.

Salma Hassaballa The logline is excellent as it is, but if we replace “Cairo” with “Egypt” and explicitly mention the Pharaohs, it would be even more wonderful.

Husin Alkhatib I really appreciate your suggestion; it’s definitely worth considering.

Unfortunately I'm going to disagree with most of the feedback so far, in a hopefully helpful way! The logline has too many adjectives, I would suggest using more simple language so it's easier to read and for the reader to quickly understand the story. It poses so many questions - why is the American cynical, does he have Egyptian heritage, what is the relevance of him being a fashion mogul, why does he have nightmares, and the piece about the threat of the sinister syndicate is a bit incomprehensible and somehow out of place. Also, being 'stranded' in Cairo suggests this wasn't his intended destination and yet he encounters the worst kind of adversaries. I think Cairo is more evocative than Egypt.

Maybe just a couple tweaks, "When a cynical American fashion mogul is stranded in Cairo, his nightmares become reality, forcing him to uncover the truth buried in his Egyptian legacy before it shatters his empire.". I think if it could be more concise it would also be more effective. The theme sounds interesting.

Geoff Harris If the logline raised these questions in you, then it’s successful — that’s its job: to spark the very questions that the synopsis or summary will answer.

Husin Alkhatib Geoff Harris is pointing out the distracting complexity of the this logline, not the interesting parts of it. A logline is NOT an opportunity to tell the story in all its glory. It's a quick sales pitch to get the attention of someone, so that they will agree to hear a proper pitch. If they have to think about it longer than it takes you to say it, it has failed and there's no way around that. So it has to be simple and direct. Also, the logline must be made with the specific audience in mind - that audience is a producer who isn't looking at your script and doesn't know anything about it or you --- THAT PRODUCER IS ME -- so since feedback was requested here is my take. I am out and no longer intersted at the first four words "When a cynical American..." I can't sell "cynical American" to America and that's the largest market. It also makes me wonder if the script is cynical about Americans or America, and I haven't the inclination to find out. The rest is too complex to think about in the few seconds I am listening to the pitch. So here is all I need to know: "An American fashion mogul must uncover the truth of his past before it shatters his sanity and his fashion empire." That's succinct and the rest is flavor and setting, which have no place in a logline. If a producer isn't interested in the story upon hearing that line, she or he will not be interested in a more elaborate line.

Shadow Dragu-Mihai Thank you so much for this valuable lesson and for the time you gave us. Now, we should all, as writers, benefit from this producer’s note, because the logline is truly what sells.

I suggested adding the pharaonic element because I know very well that no producer will look at the work if there isn’t an appealing element outside the United States. So I proposed including the Pharaohs. And since we are referring to the Pharaohs, they are connected to Egypt, not Cairo.

So, I suggest this logline:" An American fashion mogul confronts his alter ego in Egypt, where pharaonic nightmares threaten his mind and his fashion empire."

You definitely have interesting content which if it is tweak it would make a powerful logline. the logline you are using seems to be three separate stories meshed together. I believe that telling the protagonist's ethnicity is really never important, but what's more important is their name, title. or job description, either will suffice. Secondly, there is such rich cultural and religious history in Cairo and Egypt. You have a pleather of stories to draw from as well. You could broaden your scope, go wider and deeper such as, "universal themes of identity" in which you stated.

Geoff Harris Thank you so much, this is really valuable. I see what you mean about simplifying the language and focusing on clarity. Your point about not overloading with adjectives or posing too many questions makes sense. I’ll work on boiling it down to one clean line that keeps the intrigue but is easier to grasp quickly

Ray Fontenault Thanks, Ray; I appreciate your tweak. Making it concise while keeping the Egyptian legacy element feels like the right balance. I’ll refine it along those lines; your version really helped me see the flow more clearly.

Shadow Dragu-Mihai This is an invaluable note. I completely understand your point about ‘cynical American’ being a turn-off, and I’ll drop it. Your suggested version, short, direct, and clean, really captures the essence without the clutter. I’ll definitely use this mindset when pitching: if it doesn’t work in a few seconds, it won’t work at all.

Husin Alkhatib Thank you for the feedback, Husin. I understand how “pharaoh” elements might attract an international audience, but in this case, my story is about a contemporary Egyptian legacy, not an ancient one. I wanted to highlight the psychological and modern aspects of identity rather than rely on historical or mythological imagery

Mone't Bradley Thank you so much for your advice; it’s very convincing to me. I tried exploring it, but I noticed it started to sound a little more general than I hoped. I’ll keep working on refining it though, and I truly appreciate your guidance; it’s helping me see new angles.

You're welcome! As screenwriters we have buried treasures(content) that lie dormant within us, but the more we write is the more those treasures come to the surface. Some of our greatest stories will come out of experiences, the freedom of "creative licensing" that we exercise within our minds. Many times, screenwriting feels like we are meeting ourselves for the first time every time when we write. In my earlier years of writing I would only focus on the destination of my projects, but after working with a writing consultant for years and countless hours of writing, studying, and reading, I realize the most important part of my writing journey is the process. All of the moving parts, the elements of screenwriting and the way they come together to write beautiful stories. The money will eventually come. Keep on writing and know that your story matters!

Husin Alkhatib Actually, your minor addition to the simple logline does add to its mystique without making it more complex. I like that one.

Mone't Bradley I see writing as discovering a hidden part of myself, memories and experiences I thought were gone, suddenly shape my vision. I love how you described it as meeting ourselves for the first time. For me, the joy lies not only in the process of writing but also in seeing others receive the work with excitement. And there’s nothing more powerful than watching a story come alive through production, transforming words on the page into living drama.

Ray Fontenault Mone't Bradley Husin Alkhatib Shadow Dragu-Mihai Geoff Harris Maurice Vaughan Hi everyone, I’ve worked on refining the logline based on your feedback. and would love your perspective on the update:

When an American fashion icon is stranded in Cairo, his nightmares become reality, forcing him to confront his forgotten Egyptian identity before it shatters his mind and empire.

I’d love to hear your thoughts; does this feel stronger and more engaging to you?

Salma Hassaballa overloaded with elements

Well, if I were a producer about to spend a few million, this project would definitely not be the one. There are several reasons: first, I can produce the same story in American studios without taking the risk of going all the way to Cairo. So there’s no real incentive for a producer to choose Cairo or any other country that would cost me extra money on hotels, travel, accommodations, and possibly breaks for actors to fly back home and then return again.

Now, if you want the idea to be set in Egypt, you have to make the producer have to go there — not by choice, but because the story demands it. Spending money is never easy. The idea is good, but the logline must contain something that forces the producer to place the story in Egypt.

Also, the logline itself is too long. No producer in the world reads more than one line. They’re hooked by the first five words, then finish the line, and if the idea is strong, they’ll move on to the second line — and then hand it to one of their assistants saying: “Follow up on this for me.” So, shorten the logline as much as possible.

This is a lot better, and shorter. My only point is that people don't 'forget' their identity, maybe just say, 'confront his Egyptian identity' or 'Egyptian heritage'?

Husin Alkhatib If the film is supposed to be set in Cairo, I doubt you'll find anywhere in the US that looks like Cairo! Sure, build interiors in the US, but the cost may ultimately be more than using Egyptian exteriors and interiors, even with taking key HOD's and cast there.

Geoff Harris You’re absolutely right. My comment wasn’t about production design, but rather about the concept itself. As it currently stands, the story could easily be relocated to the United States—or anywhere else—without losing its core. Nothing in the narrative inherently demands that it unfold in Egypt.

For a logline to stand out, the setting must feel indispensable, not interchangeable. Right now, the idea of “searching for the alternate self” is universal—it can happen anywhere. What’s missing is a clear reason why this journey can only take place in Egypt, so that the location becomes thematically or narratively essential rather than incidental.

Husin Alkhatib Thank you so much for your feedback; I really appreciate your perspective. I understand your concerns about production logistics and the need for a story to justify its setting.

I want to clarify that for me, the heart of the story isn’t about Egypt as a backdrop of pharaohs or mummies; it’s about the people living there today, their experiences, and what unites humans across different geographic locations. The setting of Cairo isn’t just a visual choice; it plays a crucial role in the protagonist’s journey and the cultural and emotional threads that shape the story.

I also take your point about the logline length; it’s something I’m actively refining to make it as tight and compelling as possible, while still conveying the essence of the story. Here is the new version:

"Stranded in Cairo, an American mogul's nightmares manifest in the city's streets, forcing him to unravel his forgotten Egyptian identity before it destroys him." Does this feel stronger? Does the setting now feel essential?

I appreciate your guidance.

"Stranded in Cairo, an American mogul's nightmares manifest in the city's streets, forcing him to unravel his forgotten Egyptian identity before it destroys him."

Don’t change anything in it; any addition or omission will harm it. It’s absolutely wonderful just like this

Salma Hassaballa I like your new logline and your other logline ("When a cynical American fashion mogul is stranded in Cairo, his nightmares bleed into reality, forcing him to uncover his buried Egyptian legacy and confront the sinister syndicate that monetizes human trauma, before they erase his mind and destroy his empire."). I think they're both strong and engaging.

Husin Alkhatib Thank you so much for your kind words! I completely agree with your choice. I’m only considering a small adjustment following @Geoff Harris’ remark, that ‘forgotten’ might feel vague, since people don’t usually forget their identity.

The updated logline would be:

Stranded in Cairo, an American mogul's nightmares manifest in the city's streets, forcing him to confront his erased Egyptian identity before it destroys him.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this slight revision.

Excellent! —the context is perfect, the protagonist is clear, the challenge is present, the antagonist is present, the conflict exists, Cairo has become an attractive setting, everything in the logline is well-crafted.

Husin Alkhatib Wow, thank you! Your words made my day. I’m so glad the logline feels well-crafted to you.

Maurice Vaughan Thank you so much! I truly appreciate your kind words; it’s great to hear that both versions resonate

Geoff Harris Your feedback was spot-on! I replaced 'forgotten' with 'erased' based on your advice; here is the latest logline: "Stranded in Cairo, an American mogul's nightmares manifest in the city's streets, forcing him to confront his erased Egyptian identity before it destroys him." Do you think it works better now?

You're welcome, Salma Hassaballa.

Salma Hassaballa It works great now, amazing how a re-shuffle of a few words can make so. much difference.

Geoff Harris Thank you so much! Your earlier advice really helped me see it differently, and I agree, it’s amazing how just a small tweak can make such a big impact