Recently, I've "audited" my Starfire script to improve its characters' dialogues. I thought they weren't talking like real people do.
But, while I was doing that, I decided to also tighten up my action narration through and through, namely by avoiding, whenever possible, any type of repetition in terms of character pronouns and names.
The goal: Make it action-led with a resolute fast pace.
To that end, I checked out some of my favorite scripts to see how various screenwriters had managed that part. I think I found some answers in Point Break, The Game, and Limitless (including here some dialogues just to provide more context).
A)
Point Break
"Supervising Agent BEN HARP leads Utah across the bullpen. Rows of desk. Agents sitting at computer terminals. Data Hell. Looks like a job at Zerox.
HARP
You know less than nothing. If you
knew that you knew nothing, at
least that would be something, but
you don't."
B)
The Game
"Nicholas folds the phone and pockets it, his mind suddenly far away from the meeting around him. Sutherland steps close, concerned, quiet...
SUTHERLAND
Anything wrong...?
NICHOLAS
Nothing. Nothing at all."
C)
Limitless
"Eddie stands in a stall. Reaches into the lining of his coat. Unfastens the opening of the compartment.
CLOSE ON THE OPENING
There is nothing inside."
Conclusion: I could definitely do what I had in mind and Limitless was the one script that helped me most with that task. But...
I realized a great script isn’t so much about concision but rather about delivering a captivating plot in the most compelling and effective way.
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Hey, F.J. Hubert. I do that with my scripts, especially during fast-paced scenes and scary scenes. It makes the script read better in my opinion and saves space.
Here's some of what I wrote during Ashley Smith's weekly writing exercise in Stage 32's Writers' Room Lounge called "Writing with Sound":
INT. MANSION - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Rain beats the weathered windows.
Old, luxury mansion. LONG, empty hall with a row of closed doors on one side. The only light comes from the night sky.
BOOM! Thunder cracks.
The bare feet of a timid WOMAN (20s) enter the hall at the far end and slide across the floor.
Her trembling body -- wrapped in a white lab gown -- makes strange jewelry shake. Earrings, necklace, bracelet on each wrist. The jewelry gives off a loud, eerie sound.
Glancing back every few seconds, she turns the doorknobs, hoping a door is unlocked. None are.
CRACK! The sound of thunder sends her to the floor --
Her body hitting the floor makes the jewelry louder.
She pushes herself off the floor. Stares at the far end of the hall, breathing frantically.
Silence at the far end......
Until a thunderous sound comes from another area of the house. An army of boots marching toward the far end of the hall.
There's a writing exercise every Tuesday if you're interested. You have to be a Writers' Room member to get into the WR Lounge. You can sign up for your first month free here: www.stage32.com/writers-room/plans-vip
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Absolutely love it. Too bad I'm so tight riight now.
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Great call out. I'll start running my own projects through this process as well. My background is novel writing, so I tend to be longwinded, despite my efforts to the contrary. Even my comment here could be dramatically more concise.
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Yeah, I'm with you on the repetition. A producer I work with can't abide by it. Drives him a bit crazy to read if the same word keeps coming up.