Screenwriting : Subject: Seeking feedback on my Neo-Noir feature "MERCI" — A story of vengeance and silent gratitude. by Tetiana T.G

Hi, Tetiana T.G. Welcome to Stage 32. A Neo-Noir movie that takes place in Chicago during the winter. I'm already hooked. MERCI sounds thrilling! Really unique concept. I really like the characters and Devi’s character dynamic! I feel Moody could have a character arc. Devi could change him somehow.

Your logline is really long (66 words). I suggest using one or two sentences, and I suggest making the logline 35 words or less/around 35 words.

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Hi! Thank you so much for the warm welcome and the valuable advice!

I really like your suggestion about Moody’s arc. You’re right—Devi’s journey from silence to trust is what brings him back to life as much as he saves hers. It’s a dual healing process.

Thank you for the tip about the logline!

Hi, Tetiana T.G, welcome to our amazing community. If you’d like notes on your synopsis or script in future editions, come to our Euro/UK Coverage Report, and all you need to do is give notes on at least three other writers’ projects. It’s a powerful exchange that strengthens everyone’s craft. Like that, you can also have notes on your "MERCI" synopsis treatment or script. This is the link for the post about it, and you also have to use your free Writer's Room month. Today, we will begin at 9PM GMT. Join us, if you can. https://www.stage32.com/lounge/screenwriting/Tomorrow-s-Euro-UK-Coverage...

You're welcome, Tetiana T.G. If you plan on getting feedback on your script, Stage 32 has feedback services (www.stage32.com/scriptservices).

And you could post your script on your profile when it's ready. Producers search profiles for projects. That and networking are how I sold four short scripts to a producer. Click the gear symbol in the top right-hand corner and select “Edit profile” in the drop-down menu. Scroll down to “Loglines” and click “Add/edit loglines” to the right of “Loglines.” You can also post your script on your profile this way: www.stage32.com/loglines (near the top where it says “Add a Logline”)

That’s amazing! Selling four scripts is such an inspiration. Thank you for the step-by-step instructions—I’m going to update my profile and add the short logline right now. I really appreciate your help!

There was a movie with this very same storyline with Eric Bana - or at least very similar. Hanna is a 2011 action thriller film directed by Joe Wright. The film stars Saoirse Ronan as the title character, a girl raised in the wilderness of northern Finland by her father, an ex-CIA operative (Eric Bana), who trains her as an assassin. Cate Blanchett portrays a senior CIA agent who tries to track down and eliminate the girl and her father. The soundtrack was written by the Chemical Brothers.

Ilanna Mandel Thanks for the reference! I love 'Hanna', and it's definitely a great inspiration for the 'trained assassin' trope. However, 'MERCI' leans more into the Urban Neo-Noir vibe rather than a spy thriller. My story is focused on the gritty streets of Chicago and the emotional core of the cobbler-apprentice relationship. Also, the catalyst is the murder of a close friend, which turns it into a personal revenge journey. I appreciate the comparison

I finished a screenplay two weeks ago that lived in my head since’83 it’s a good feeling.

Jack Middleton Wow, since '83! That is incredible dedication. Congrats on finishing it!

You're welcome, Tetiana T.G. Okay, great. Hope you sell your script too!

Congratulations, Jack Middleton!

I love the premise and character dynamics. I wrote my first noir last year after binge watching lots of classics, and I enjoyed writing that script more than any other genre I've tackled. Would love to read a draft when you get your ideas onto paper. Stick with it ... you've got something good here!

Erik Gagnon Thank you! I’m glad the dynamics resonate with you. I’d love to hear more about your experience writing noir—what was the biggest challenge for you?

I love this premise so much. I love this so much. Here's what works well, and some tiny suggestions.

Strength

• The characters are mentioned perfectly well, and their role are concise and dry interesting.

• I like progression of the synopsis that feels clear, personal and motivational driven without spoiling the plot.

• I like the meaning of the titled that explains the meaning in the movie "The title “MERCI” marks the moment she finally breaks her silence—a simple word of gratitude to Moody that starts her journey toward healing and, eventually, mastery of the skills he teaches her." It's the most symbolic and powerful part of the pitch.

Weakness

• The tone feels like a vigilante thriller than the neo-noir where characters died, and the main character must take revenge on the person who killed them. If that what you're going for, please ignore this one lol.

• It doesn't give much about the characters traits besides "Moody, a retired soldier who finds peace in his quiet shoe-making workshop, and Devi, the girl he rescued from the rain." Good exposition, but how they behave with each other?

Overall, it's a strong and beautiful concept for the feature film. However, I do recommend to check out if any of the story elements fits the cliché since you're writing an action / crime drama (neo-noir) if you you're story truly want to stand out.

Kelvin Bernards Thank you so much for such a detailed and thoughtful feedback! You touched on exactly what I’m working on right now. To answer your question about their behavior: their relationship is built on small, silent rituals. For example, Moody braids Devi’s hair every morning—a soldier’s rough hands performing a delicate task. This is how they communicate without words. I’m also working on leaning deeper into the Neo-Noir atmosphere to make sure it stands out from a typical vigilante story. Your advice is incredibly helpful!

Tetiana T.G You are very welcome

So the friend's murder, is that after she grows up? I'm trying to picture the time frame of your script. Also, what is her day job? Did she also learn to be a cobbler?

Desiree Middleton Great questions! Yes, the murder happens when Devi is an adult (around 20 years old). The story spans from her childhood (the rescue) to the present day. As for her job—yes, she is a skilled cobbler herself. She works alongside Moody in the shop. I love the idea that the same hands that carefully repair delicate leather shoes are also trained for combat. It makes her 'day life' a perfect, quiet contrast to her journey for vengeance.

Hi Tetiana ,

First of all, congratulations on getting to the point where you’re ready to share this. That alone takes courage.

I’m really drawn to the emotional contrast in your concept — the quiet intimacy of a cobbler’s workshop against the cold violence of a Chicago winter. The idea of “Merci” being her first word feels powerful and symbolic. I’m curious though: do you see Devi’s transformation as inevitable from the beginning, or is there a version of her life where she could have chosen something softer?

I’ve written and published character-driven crime stories before, and I’ve found that the most haunting ones are those where vengeance and gratitude exist in the same breath — which is exactly what you’re exploring here.

I’d genuinely love to see how you expand this world. There’s something strong at its core.

Hamzaat Consults Thank you so much for this profound question! I believe Moody did everything to give Devi a choice for a 'softer' life. He wanted her to find peace in the craft of cobbling. But as an ex-soldier, he knew that the world doesn't always let you stay soft. He trained her hoping she’d never need it, but the Chicago streets decided otherwise. The murder of Job is the moment where her two worlds—gratitude for Moody and vengeance for her friend—finally collide. I’m so glad you felt that 'same breath' of vengeance and gratitude, as that is exactly the heart of 'MERCI'."

Good work. It’s structurally viable with compelling elements. To break through in the genre, it needs: a sharper thematic thesis; a morally complicated father–daughter dynamic; an original inciting incident; a final act that costs her something real.

It feels very familiar, in the vein of "Léon: The Professional," "Man on Fire," "Logan," and "The Equalizer." This isn’t bad. It means the bar is high.

E Langley Thank you for the feedback! I really appreciate the insight. Would you be open to reading a few scenes? I feel the characters and their dynamics are explored in much greater depth within the script itself.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FlcPBSaoJHAxPoRVyQL2k1CDtkWFunTu1PoTip5atvE/edit?usp=drivesdk