Hi. I recently had my script read and a 60 minute talk. Very helpful. So I'm rereading Save the Cat and wanted to see if anyone would rate these two logline options...
1. A cash poor, hard-working family is cheated out of thousands of acres of prime, seaside land until a long-hidden discovery brings sweet justice to the family’s descendants 150 years later.
or blake snyder style (short and sweet)
2. A family whose ancestor's land was stolen must unearth the past in order to claim the future.
1 or 2? or none :0)
Thanks!
B
Hey B, great job narrowing these down! I really like logline 2 it’s punchy, and it leaves a lot of emotional room. But if you want to keep that rich detail of logline 1, maybe tighten it just a touch. Either way, both have real potential.
Best of luck
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A family whose ancestor's land was stolen must unearth the past to reclaim their future, but… (obstacle/conflict)
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Thank you Olivia!
Good point David...but the forces at work 150 years ago linger on...
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I love the emotional weight of logline 2, but I agree, if you keep some detail from
logline 1, it could add a powerful anchor.
Excited to see which you go with
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Great advice! Many thanks.
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BL, I like logline #1...the extra information turned the trick for me.
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Neither, but #2 is almost there. As David said, you need obstacle/conflict.
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Thanks Tommy. I appreciate it!
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I think number 2 is more punchy and clear! Good luck
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2 - How about… ‘…to fight for their future’’ ?
And whom are they fighting?
Love your logline! The second one has a great rhythm and the "unearth the past in order to claim the future" is a solid hook, though combining it with the specific stakes from the first one might give it even more punch. What's the most surprising detail from the script that you could weave in to make it feel even more specific?
Thank you Farah, Davis and Samantha. Great feedback!
I'm with everyone else here -- 2 is definitely the most hooking. A formula I like to use when drafting up my loglines is: Who (who's the story following and what's unique about them) + What (what's this character's goal) + How (complications along the path to achieving their goal. How do they get to where they want to go) + Why (Stakes. Why do they have to loose, why will the audience root for them, etc.).
You've got your Who (the family) - Is it truly the entire family we're following or is it one specific member? Clarify if needed based on your answer.
Flesh out your What a bit further - The goal is to uncover the past, but for what reason? Are they trying to get their land back now?
Build up your How - What is going to complicate reaching this goal for the family (or lead family member)?
Build up your Why - What's at stake if they don't achieve their goal?
OK. I've written about 10 versions but here is latest revision based on all of your wonderful comments. I know I should sit on it awhile but can't wait. Thoughts?
A family spiraling financially unearths the past to reclaim their future when they discover proof that their house is located on ancestral land stolen 150 years ago.