1) Faced with a life-or-death decision, an elderly woman has an epiphany after relating the story of her ancestors from the glittering age of the Romanovs through today’s modern world in America.
2) An elderly woman recounts the tales of her ancestors and how their struggles, sacrifices, and perseverance influenced her decision to have a life-saving operation.
Thanks!
UPDATE: What do you all think about this one-- 3. A family's story of courage, survival, and resilience, from the glittering age of the Romanovs through today’s modern world. And with each generation, they are saved by a single inch.
4 people like this
Hi, @Gigi. I vote for the second logline. I think it has a better flow.
3 people like this
3 people like this
I like the second one. It's clearer. Sounds interesting!
3 people like this
I vote for #1 because it leads with the stakes and makes it more dramatic. How about a third choice?
3 people like this
I would combine the first part of the first logline with the last half of the second logline.
3 people like this
The second, obviously.
3 people like this
The second is objectively better.
3 people like this
2nd one is much better.
3 people like this
2nd is better because a log line should be easy to understand, direct, precise and concise
3 people like this
Second one is my choice
2 people like this
2nd one!!!!
4 people like this
If it were up to me, I would choose the second one.
3 people like this
Definitely the second one and even that can be pared down a bit still.
4 people like this
2nd one Gigi Skolnick
3 people like this
Hi Gigi, I can see why you’re torn between the two. They highlight different aspects of the story. I’m curious, though: is the life-saving operation the main dramatic engine of the story, or is the family history the bigger focus? Gigi Skolnick
3 people like this
Alfred, both. There are two stories where one has an impact on the other. It starts with the elderly woman's problem, then flashes back to the story of her ancestors, then reverts back to the elderly woman's story where she has an epiphany after what her ancestors went through.
3 people like this
Two definitely two
Look at it this way
"Faced with a life-or-death decision"... that tells us nothing. What is the decision? Is she working in missile silo? operating on a heart patient? deciding who gets the only parachute on a crashing airplane?
" an elderly woman has an epiphany"... Ah! so she had an epiphany instead of the enchilada plate? Was this because the epiphany comes with a side salad? Was this the life and death decision? Again stock phrase that tells us nothing.
"after relating the story of her ancestors from the glittering age of the Romanovs through today’s modern world in America".... AH... Finally we get past the clichés and into the story!
An elderly woman recounts the tales of her ancestors and how their struggles, sacrifices, and perseverance influenced her decision to have a life-saving operation. is much better, but it still has a massive flaw. Your story isn't a story... your story is an old woman telling a story.
Which strikes me as totally unneeded.
What is the interesting part? The interesting part is her family escaping the Bolsheviks, getting out of Russia, rebuilding their lives, all that stuff. The interesting part took place 100 years ago.
We don't need the old woman and the operation and all that. Ditch that. Write about beautiful duchesses trying to escape the Cheka and make it to the Allied troops near Arkhangelsk and Murmansk. Write about the Czech Legion fighting its way across Siberia, the White Russians in Manchuria, the French troops pulling refugees out of Crimea. Sidney Riley, Felix Dzerzhinsky, Caryl Houslander, The Trust. The Lockhart Plot. Pre-war balls at the Winter Palace. That's far more interesting than an old lady in a retirement home deciding if she wants a hip replacement. That is where your story is.
You've got something close to one of those multi-generational family sagas that James Michener used to write. Go with that.
2 people like this
Gigi, I like the second logline better than the first.
Whichever logline you choose, here's wishing you all the VERY BEST with that story!
2 people like this
I’d lean toward #2. It gives me a clearer sense of why the elderly woman is recounting her ancestors’ stories and connects those experiences directly to the life-saving decision. I’m curious, though, is the operation the main present-day conflict of the story, with the family history unfolding around it?
1 person likes this
Janet-- you are correct.
2 people like this
Brendan-- In my first draft I wrote exactly how you feel it should be written skipping the "old woman's story". But then... this is a true story inspired by MY ANCESTORS, so, I felt my story (the elderly woman) should be included because my ancestors never gave up and this gave me the epiphany to fight for my life. I felt writing in the logline, "she needed a brain tumor removed", gave away some of the story. Hence, I wrote, "...to have a life-saving operation". Also, if I eliminate the elderly woman's story, her grandmother dies at the end, and I never like to end my scripts with the protagonist dying. It's a bummer for the audience. However... if a producer wants my script on the condition that I eliminate the woman's story, I can change it. Thanks for your advice. You've given me something to think about.
3 people like this
Thank you to everyone. Looks like #2 is the winner.
1 person likes this
You're welcome, Gigi Skolnick.