Screenwriting : Log Line Critique Please by Maurice Draine

Pretty good. I made a couple changes: "A female student is raped, beaten and impregnated by a campus policeman. The daughter grows up and becomes a cop, dead set on taking revenge on her mother’s rapist."

Hey Tony, love the addition of impregnates. I've know been wondering if the words Rape and beaten are too hardcore? I've changed it to sexually assault now. A young female student is sexually assaulted and impregnated by a campus policemen, her daughter grows up to become a cop dead set on taking revenge against her Mother's rapist. It might be too long now, but I like it.

Howdy Maurice. It depends on the style of the film. Is the movie more polished, like a Schwarzenegger action flick, or dark and gritty like Harry Brown? In the former case, sexually assaulted fits the tone. If the movie is more intense, then including rape, which implies violence, adds gravity to the situation and fits the tone. In modern Western culture, only the most serious crimes warrant vigilante justice/revenge. Also there should be a period between policeman and her because those are separate sentences.

I love the concept because it reminds me of something that I would write, Plus, love the advice in Tony's comment. good luck to you.

Maurice - I'm not sure, but it seems the story is more about the daughter?? How about turning it around.... ROUGH EXAMPLE... (Insert her name e.g.) Violet, a rookie cop, is an only-child from a very loving, one parent, family. Violet is desperate to find her Father. She has never met him. Her Mom only met the man once, that was the day he brutally raped her. Will Violet ‘Protect and Serve’? Or will she just kill the son-of-a-bitch on sight?

Hey Tony, it has kind of a lot of dark parts. I originally added raped and beaten for shock value, but later got scared that it might be too hardcore of a word choice . But, with the movie having as many dark parts as it does, the hardcore words selection does fit I agree with you. Hey, in your revision, why did you remove the "who is also her Father" part? Just curious. Thanks for helping me break it down piece by piece Tony. Maurice

Yes, David. The movie is 30% about the Mother, then the rest is all about the daughter and she brings the movie home. That might not be a bad idea to start off with the daughter in the logline. I was told you don't uses names though in loglines, but I'm going to play with some other ways to start off with the daughter first and re-post around Lunchtime today. Great advice you guys!! No matter how good a person may think their Logline is, posting it can always help you look at it in a different light. New Logline coming later today after I get some of my day job work done, lol. Maurice

Usually you only use a name in the logline if it's someone famous. Maybe this : A rookie cop seeks vengeance on the father she never knew, a man who brutally raped her mother 20 years ago.

As discussed in previous posts, a good log-line, is like a good joke. The punchline ALWAYS COMES LAST. Example... A police officer vows to hunt down and murder the serial rapist who raped his/her mother... His/her father.

EUREKA!!!! I have one I love now. It's a mixture of all your suggestions plus the message I wanted to convey from the beginning. "A rookie female cop makes a promise to her Mother to track down the policeman who savagely beat and impregnated her Mother... Her Father." Maurice

Hey Maurice, I removed the "who is her father" bit because the clause was a clunky and I assumed if the man raped her mother that he was her father. It just made sense to me. Wayne's logline is effective because it's direct and summarizes the story in as few words as possible. The three periods add dramatic effect, but are almost a cliche. The same can be said for the line "father she never knew." In the end it boils down to personal preference, I guess. Ha.

Thanks guys, you all rock! Thanks Wayne, I'm just going to go with your re-write as it's tight and concise.

Special thanks to Tony Cella too! :)

No problem, Maurice.

Interesting concept. I feel the logline you have is a bit long though. Too much to wrap your head around. I'd focus on the main character, which to me seems like the daughter/officer. I don't want to change what you have, but focusing your logline on the central theme and character will better give people the idea of what your story is about.

Back story should never be in a log-line. it should always be present tense

A cop seeks revenge on the man who raped her mother, when she discovers the rapist is her biological father.

Hey Maurice. Yup, Wayne Taylor's log line rewrite is quite good. Terse. Effective. Also, I don't know if this matters to your script, but... this premise of a cop seeking her mother's rapist/father was a huge storyline on "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit." The main character Detective Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) had a similar path as she too was a result of rape. Anyway, I think that storyline played heavily in the first years of the series. You may want to check it out, see how it compares. Best of luck. :)

Hey Beth, thanks for the heads up! I'll google and try and find the Law & Order episode you are referring too. You now have me intrigued on if their story of a cop being the result of a rape, is anything close to my script. Now that I'm aware, it'd be nice to see theirs and make sure I'm not going down the same path they took it. Thanks! Maurice

Hey Maurice, you're very welcome. :) Law & Order: SVU seasons 8 - 12 are on Netflix. However, you really need the earlier seasons, 1- 5 or so? Maybe finding them on DVD would be easier. I do remember that the character Detective Olivia Benson tried to keep it a secret for a while, but the fact that she herself was a result of a rape fueled her desire to help other victims, primarily victims of sex crimes. Others on the force questioned her ability to "handle" the job. Anyway, I hope that helps! :)

Young female student, raped and beaten by campus policeman, gives birth to a baby girl who becomes a cop vowing revenge against her mothers rapist who happens to be her father. Just thought I'd tweak what you so expertly provided

Does the policeman give birth? Make sure your antecedent is clear! ;-)

Thanks Stage 32 writers!! You guys are ABSOLUTELY amazing!!!! If you're interested in what I ended up with for the Honor Thy Mother logline, please visit my profile page. Thanks Team! :) Maurice D

Just sticking my oar in here, but with the storyline, is 'Honor Thy Mother' a little obvious as a title? I mean, is there a chance it gives a little too much away? Maybe 'The Fifth Commandment' may be a little more cryptic

Kind of sounds like the character from law and order SVU.

"Father" and "Mother" should not be capitalized in the context you are using them.

A good start. It seems to me to be a bit weighted in favor of what would be the early portion of the script. I'd like you to indicate at least one major problem which your protagonist will encounter later in the story when she is seeking revenge. Good luck.

Consider who your protagonist is: the mother or the daughter, or both.