Screenwriting : Seeking feedback on logline posted on Stage 32 by Andy Davie

Andy...I'm going to move this to the Screenwriting section. Let's get the screenwriting community on it!

Okay on moving it into screenwriting, sounds good to me :-)

The logline is too long, but has potential. I recommend removing the title from logline because it will already appear next to your summary. Unless the novel has generated substantial mainstream success, its inclusion is unecessary. The last sentence is too generic. Combining the first three sentences will make for a more effective description. Here's my idea: In 19th century London, a young boy employed by a cruel chimney sweep manages to retains his kind spirit and touch the lives of people he encounters on the day he dies.

In agreement with Tony. Ask yourself what the protagonist wants most...and who/what stands in his way. The logline should reflect that.

Saint Nicholas rescues a poor chimney sweep's apprentice from his cruel master. (Though I think rescues is a bit weak, this could be beefed up with some sort of sense of urgency.)

Hey Andy, yeah, this isn't really a logline. It's a mini-synopsis and includes far too much information and unnecessary wordage. A logline should be about 40 words or less and be one sentence. It should set up who the story is about, what thrusts them into the story, what they have to do, what stands in their way, and intimate the stakes of what happens if they don't achieve it. This sounds much more like a book than a film to me (I realize it's based on a book). Not every book makes a good film. But, in terms of the logline.. You never need to say the title or 'It's the story of..." Just say what the story IS. There is nothing visual and no conflict introduced in your first sentence - it's just a story about a nice boy. But that's very boring and doesn't tell us anything. We also don't need the names of the antagonist. I'm really not sure what the Boy has to DO in the story except live and keep being happy. And you DEFINITELY need to cut the last line. This is a logline, not a pitch or query letter. To be honest, I don't have enough information to craft a solid logline yet. But I would perhaps suggest something like... On the last day of his short tormented life, a perpetually optimistic young boy in 19th century London affects the people around him in ways that will change them - and the world - forever. Good luck man! (I do teach a great Loglines Class at different events around the country)

Wow! You guys are great! Thank you Tony, John and Danny. I've always struggled with loglines and you're all dead right. It should be just one line, not a mini synopsis! And you're also right in that I was thinking in terms of pitch... your suggestions are all great. I'll make changes right away! Thank you guys!

Thanks for the feedback it's great and has helped a great deal. I've now changed the pitch to a logline (what a dufus huh?) which is in at 40 words and I think gets the whole story accross quite well thanks to your input. Cheers! :-) Here's what I've got now, what do you think? - Forced to crawl through the chimneys of 19th century London, an eternally optimistic small boy struggles to survive his tortured existence in the hope of seeing Christmas, touching the hearts of those he meets during his last day on Earth.