Gali -- I hate to say it, but there is so much wrong about this. I don't want to discourage you with a list. So, I'm just going to say, please read and study a bunch of scripts* that are similar to what you want to write. Take special note of the cinematic style. And work on finding out what makes movie storytelling intriguing and interesting to the audience. *I'm suggesting FUN WITH DICK AND JANE hope this link works: http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/Fun-with-Dick-and-Jane_part1.pdf and watch the movie too.