Hi everyone. Could you tell me what do you think about my pitch? My screenwriter teacher said that it was pretty good and arouse curiosity about the real meaning of the Rainbow. I can't help doubting...
"Charlotte O’Neil, a French detective,
investigates in Boston, finding herself
curiously involved in a dark affair of drugs
and corpses. Her DNA, snakes, mythology,
triqueteras and rainbows are the common
denominators of this Machiavellian puzzle,
whose investigator is far from the one she
would have thought of.
With the help of James and Steve, she will
investigate to unravel this improbable story
that could lead them to Australia.
From riddles to dispatched clues, they will
discover that rainbows are not what one
might think of and much more than a new
drug. . ."
1 person likes this
Your pitch does arouse curiosity, Isabelle Duval. I like the idea of a French detective investigating in Boston and traveling to Australia. She's gonna be a fish out of water.
I suggest adding an adjective to give the person you're pitching to a better idea of Charlotte's character (Example: "Charlotte O’Neill, a selfish French detective, investigates in Boston, finding herself curiously involved in a dark affair of drugs and corpses").
I'm not sure what "whose investigator is far from the one she would have thought of" means.
I suggest explaining who James and Steve are.
Instead of saying "With the help of James and Steve, she will investigate to unravel this improbable story," I suggest saying "With the help of James and Steve, she investigates to unravel this improbable story."
Although your pitch arouses curiosity, I think you need to make it clear what the stakes are in the series.
And I suggest putting the pitch in one paragraph instead of on separate lines.
2 people like this
Thanks for your advices. I correct that and I realized that I made a mistake...I wanted to write "whose antagonist is far from being the one she would have thought of"
I appreciate your help.
You're welcome, Isabelle Duval. Sounds like an exciting series.