Screenwriting : Description/Scene Setting by Matthew Barker

I have gotten such confusing feedback that I take it all for what it's worth, some good, some bad, some just a bad mood. But, I can see where he was coming from, but it can still be preference rather than a rule. Maybe, I'm too sparse, but I usually just describe what needs to be there, that moves the action or has a consequence to it, as you did with pulling the chain, I think that tells something

In other words, is there a reason that her boots are going to be loud on the veranda floor? If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around, does it make a noise sort of thing.

I get the pulling on the chain for the door bell, it says something about her character, her state of mind or situation.

No movement inside can be done by "she waits"

She looks out to her car and the bush. Barely able to see the sky for all the trees and mountains. Does that accomplish anything?

I'm going to stop there, because I think those are the sorts of questions to ask yourself, for me to ask myself and I'll probably take another run through one of my screenplays now that you have got me thinking that way. I hope this helps and wish you all the best.

I think the person who's asking to remove the excess narrative is correct. The 2nd 'paid' person probably didn't read your script. Try a screenwriting book like "Your Cut To: is Showing".

Hi T.L. Davis! Thanks for your comprehensive response. What you say there is pretty much where I’m sitting at the moment. I can see some points but then some seemed less helpful. The door bell thing goes to her character, so I thought it was necessary. Thanks again!

Hi Matthew. It seems to me narrative styles change over time. See a Billy Wilder script, for example, and you'll run into several 10 line paragraphs. But today you'll rarely see a 5 line paragraph. Description has become briefer over time, especially in Hollywood. (It may be different abroad, I'm not sure.) There is indeed an emphasis on the vertical these days, as Dan M brought up. My approach with narration is to try to give the reader just enough info to let them know what to imagine, but not how to specifically imagine it. For example, I'd reduce the first sentence you posted to "Aubrey's boots clomp on the floor ..." (whereas, if you were writing a novel, you had it right in specifying the exact type of floor). In general, whenever I can reduce three words to two, or two to one, I do it. And I use white space (starting a new line) for emphasis. There is an accumulative negative effect on a reader who is used to comparatively sparse narrative, I think, when they encounter a fuller approach. Again, it's the new fashion.

Tighten it up, way up until it squeaks. And by the way, give me a visual of Isabella.

Are can lose the occasional word here and there. Verandahs are wood, so descriptions would be tighter.

That is just taste.

Out of all of it. I would drop, “She waits, no movement inside”.

The waiting can be shown by her looking. You also can’t film, no movement. You could film her straining to listen and hearing nothing. But just “nothing”, there is no mechanism to show it.

I agree with much of the above. A lot of this perception of too much detail is just laziness. I had a professional reader tell me that it's best to keep everything really clear and bold type important details cause actors and producers will skim read your scripts and they'll skip over long blocks of text. Sad but probably true. Nobody wants to read a script. Nobody. Not even the people working on the film. Less is more.

M L. my height is only bested by my arrogance. If someone skim reads me, they are not my target audience. I would rather 100% to one person than 75% to everyone.

Wow! Thank you all so much for responding and doing so in a safe, constructive way. It really means a lot to me. I thought this was a good space to share and learn, and you’ve proven it so. Thank you!!! I just wanted to get some more feedback before doing another pass on the script.

Hey Matthew. Your writing reminds me of my own. I tend to be a very descriptive writer. As I read more of other people's scripts, i've noticed that they aren't as very heavy on the prose. But if it helps connect you to the mood of the story, and you feel strongly about it, I would keep the language as written. Adopt the standard script format but keep your voice. If that makes sense.

Thanks Kay Luke ! I appreciate your comments and thoughts. On "inserts" I try to follow what I learned through Dave Trottier:

QUESTION

If I have written a screenplay with a specific actress in mind for the lead, and that actress is an executive of her own production company, should I notate that the lead was written for her when I query her company?

INSERT – A COFFEE MUG, which reads:

"To protect and serve."

BACK TO SCENE

ANSWER

Although the above is perfectly correct and perfectly okay to use, you are free to use the following method, which is also correct and more in line with today’s sensibilities:

A coffee mug reads, "To protect and serve."

When faced with a choice like this, I usually opt for the simplest version as long as it is clear. These days, the INSERT is generally only used for long notes, so the second version is my personal preferred method. Whether you use the INSERT or not, make sure you insert your best writing into your screenplay. Good luck and keep writing!

NOTE: The new, 7th edition of The Screenwriter’s Bible is now available here: https://www.keepwriting.com/store.htm"

While perusing Dave Trottier's website and his Q&A section, which is a great resource for any screenwriter, I found the following, which I think pretty much sums up what most kind people have advised me above:

"HOW MUCH DETAIL?

QUESTION

After watching movies like The Ring and Identity, I was wondering how much of the script actually turns into the visuals we see on the screen. Does the writer simply provide his/her version with dialogue and minor details and the director creates his/her own vision for the screen? My main question is when writing, how much description of key actions can the writer use throughout the script if it is relevant to the story?

ANSWER

If an action moves the story forward or adds to character, then write it. A spec script should contain specific details, but only those details that are important to the story or which reveal character.

For example, here is a small detail from a script.

Selma picks up her cup of coffee.

Normally, this incidental detail is unnecessary. It's not important enough to keep. On the other hand, if there is poison in that cup of coffee, then it is a key detail that should be in the script.

If there is a fight scene, describe the scene so that the reader can visualize it. You don't have to choreograph the fight, but you need to describe blows and tumbles. What the director chooses to use or not use is up to him/her.

Remember, your job is to give the script reader goose bumps, tense up her muscles, make her laugh, or bring tears to his eyes. You can't do that with general or vague details such as "They fight," or "they make love." At the same time, don't add unnecessary details. Remember, the more you write, the more you will get a sense of how much detail to add. So keep writing."

Matthew - Dave's a good guy & he'll never steer you wrong. Personally. I'd write it tight. Using INSERT & BACK TO SCENE costs several lines of story showing space. I would incorporate the coffee mug (reads; 'To protect and serve') right in the scene description. The 'To protect and serve' notation will tell an astute Director that a CU iss called for. Just my opinion.