Screenwriting : I shared three logline examples and wrote these by taking into account the feedback from everyone who shared their valuable opinions with me. Two loglines are shown below. Now, which logline creates a visual in your mind? I am eagerly looking forward to y by Ebrar Bilister

Hi, Ebrar Bilister. I like the title. The 1st logline creates a visual in my mind. I think the 1st logline is more commercial.

Is the young man a singer? If so, I suggest changing "young man" to "singer."

I suggest changing "must fight" to "fights." And I suggest telling how he fights to reclaim his lost soul.

Maurice Vaughan I thought that mentioning he has a powerful voice and talent was enough to show that he is a singer.

I think that works for your 2nd logline, but not the 1st logline, Ebrar Bilister.

The 2nd one will probably be a bit confusing (if read by itself) since it doesn't specify who "he" is. And I agree with Maurice Vaughan the 1st one is better. It's concise and very good.

Michael Dzurak Maurice Vaughan This is probably my mistake; I likely made a mistake while translating. I think I can fix it. I apologize for this. I can make mistakes like this

2nd Logline:

Maurice Vaughan

Your logline didn't show up, Ebrar Bilister.

Too vague for me. What are the stakes (what does the kid want and why)? What is the offer, what makes it immoral? Is the deal for his soul metaphorical or supernatural? Who is his boss? What’s his job? What world are we in?

Hi Ebrar Bilister

Here’s a logline template that might help:

After/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s title/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline:

A _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s title/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion).

Mike Boas I am still working on the logline