Hi folks, I just need feedbacks one this narrative scenes. Tell me the GOOD and BAD stuff you can find especially the BAD ones. And plz be sincere cuz this is a revised work whatever you say can be taken into account, Thank you.
A woman's voice, a voice tinged with fear and sadness speaks courageously.
PYTHIA (V.O)
Horror! The wind blows awfully with horror! The bloody hands of Athena have laid chaos on the land of refuge...
EXT. BATTLEFIELD - SPARTA - EVENING
On a broad field that stretches from the gates of Sparta to a distance in the far, lie the bodies of two battled armies. Rains of arrows fill the scattered field, piercing through the bodies of the dead soldiers and the slaughtered horses to the ground.
Some bodies are destroyed by swords and others by spears. Helmets and shields abandoned to the ground. Blood soaks the sand in the field. Blackbirds cluster above.
PYTHIA (V.O) (CONT'D)
...leaving it shores with scores of corpse and streams of blood.
Generals and commanders of both armies lie amidst the dead swamp. LYSANDER, general of the Spartan army, lies dead beneath a huge dead horse. His plumed-helmet ripped off, an arrow in his neck and a spear piercing through his armour into his chest.
From the middle of the broad field to the opened gates, dead bodies litter, and through the gates and into the city.
PYTHIA (V.O) (CONT'D)
Once that was feared will no more be, the scaring roar of the lions will echo no more from distances...
EXT. WALLS OF SPARTA - CONTINUES
Walls surround the city of Sparta.
On the walls that face the broad field, in which the gates are built which serves as a rampart, is a massacre.
Spartan archers lie dead on the thick broad walls. PERICLES, commander of the Spartan archers, lie in blood, his body ruined by arrows.
Blackbirds protest overhead as sounds of chaos echo from the city.
EXT. SPARTA - CONTINUES
Chaos stands high in the city. The invaders keep on their raids in the burning city; killing, humiliating women and destroying statues of the gods.
PYTHIA (V.O)
The atmosphere has changed. A great city is crying, crying out of pain. A city, once known for vengeance now wishes mercy.
On the streets, terrified civilians run for their lives from invading soldiers.
PYTHIA (V.O) (CONT'D)
A lion has been robbed of its fierceness and turned into a dog...
Sparta's soldiers lie dead, littering from the main gates through the main square to the streets and every corner.
PYTHIA (V.O) (CONT'D)
The bravest and fiercest army in Greece are now cowards in the territory of Hades.
EXT. PALACE STAIRS - EVENING
Standing above the long staircase that leads into the beautiful palace is ARIS, a matured warrior with an athletic physique. Dressed in armour and helmet, his body, splattered with blood and his sword dripping red; THE LORD OF THE INVADING ARMY.
He holds aloft in triumph the head of LORD TELECLUS, king of Sparta. His men cheer on top of their lungs, running longingly through fire flames into the palace.
PYTHIA (V.O)
A moment is lost, the era of Lacedaemon is gone, Sparta has fallen, its great king, slain. The throne, into the victor's hands it's taken.
INT. PALACE OF SPARTA - EVENING
The invaders rush to every corner of the palace, seizing treasures they can find.
A bunch of invaders pursue some ROYALS into the PALACE GARDEN, stripping off the robes of women and pounding the men mercilessly.
PYTHIA (V.O) (CONT'D)
Now, nothing is left, except woe. Royals shall live under the shadows of fear and be slaves in their own lands. Only the gods can tell the cause of this great curse.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
A young maiden (21), on a horse, gallops along a trail in a dense wood with a torch flame.
A newly born child, wrapped in cloth, hangs around her neck as she rides her horse desperately across the woods.
PYTHIA (V.O) (CONT'D)
But all isn't lost yet. A day will come when Sparta shall rise again like a break of dawn, on that day woe shall chase her enemies and teasers forever.
I like your contribution, Karen Stark, but it has nothing to do with my script which I've shared for the said feedback. If you will, plz run through these little scenes I've posted, and help me by telling me how you feel about it, Thanks, sweetheart.
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Formatting First!
"A woman's voice, a voice tinged with fear and sadness speaks courageously."
Speaks from where? The seat next to me?
BLACKNESS
A woman's voice, a voice tinged with fear and sadness speaks courageously.
PYTHIA (V.O)
Horror! The wind blows awfully with horror! The bloody hands of Athena have laid chaos on the land of refuge...
FADE IN:
EXT. BATTLEFIELD - SPARTA - EVENING
On a broad field that stretches from the gates...
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Thanks much, Kay Luke, I appreciate your effort, always available when needed.
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So I misread what you were asking. As far a the scene goes, It's hard to say. There's gramma and spelling mistakes, as well as formatting problems like Kay has already mentioned. Otherwise I see where your going and I think it works ok.
Really, Karen Stark? I've run this stuff through GRAMMARLY and I've corrected the errors that I found. Well, thanks much. And can you plz spend a little time and point out these mistakes you can find?
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You know I think it's just me not reading it right. It's one of those days I think. Thank you immune disease!
No problem, Karen. I'm really grateful for your feedback.
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well, your line is good. but your action lack parenthesis; which in fact defferentiate actor's speech and director's/actor's movement or guideline. and the heading should look like: SCENE ONE: INT/EXT. LOCATION. TIME.
...HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND....
Yh I get you, but, do you know the difference between a spec script and a shooting script? When I was learning how to write a spec, I was told to leave those stuffs for the directors. The smartest way to direct your own script is to do it in the action.. I'm I wrong, Mr. Uruaka?
I mean the "PARENTHESIS", brother.