Hey everyone! Here is the new longline for my historical drama pilot that was a finalist in the Cinequest writing competition. I was wondering your thoughts as I'm trying to get the pilot out there. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks for having a look!
Logline-- In 1853, the technologically advanced American squadron embarks for Japan's rich resources. Samuel, an American navy man, will have more then his hands full assisting his Commodore on opening the doors to this mysterious and safeguarded land.
Brandon
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Hey, Brandon J. Miller! My name is Kay, I'm the Community Manager here at Stage 32. Nice to meet you! I'm diggin' the logline! Definitely has a "Last Samurai" feel to it due to the culture clash and time period. I'm not sure why the American naval officer needs Japan's rich resources, though. Is it a mission? Does he agree with the mission? What's at stake should he fail? Yeah, I think the "who" and the "what" is set up well, but the "how" and "why" could be more clear.
I’m sure you’ve already discovered the Screenwriting Lounge (https://www.stage32.com/lounge/screenwriting), but I'd LOVE for you to start a post in the Acting Lounge! Maybe you could talk about your experience as a working actor in Vancouver? https://www.stage32.com/lounge/acting
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Lucas, as in George Lucas, nice picture
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I think more emphasis on the character struggle that will occur during this historical event. What is the personal challenge to overcome? Otherwise it is just a history lesson and not a character story.
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As Kay mentioned...If you haven't already you should definitely see...Edward Zwick's "The Last Samurai" with Tom Cruise. Dating myself, but The Sand Pebbles with Steve McQueen, the Shogun miniseries, Bridge Over The River Kwai are also good epic East meets West adventure reference points. There are many others...old and new. Kay's other points are well taken. I suppose we can assume there will be an inevitable clash of cultures, but it would help to get a sense of what's at stake and why we should care. What will make this particular journey unique. TV is still largely about conveying your story through character...so plot aside, what's really the story you're trying to tell here and how is that manifested in your protagonist? See if you can at least hint at that in your logline and create a succinct series synopsis that certainly does so.
Thank you for the notes everyone. Neal Howard Here is something i have come up with. In 1853, the technologically advanced American squadron embarks for Japan's rich resources. Samuel, an American navy man, will have to decide whether his country is superior, or embrace the unique culture of this mysterious land.