I have come up with a logline for one of my screenplays and one for a tv pilot. I just want to make sure it sounds appealing and make sure I’m not leaving anything out. And that it’s not too long. Any feedback is appreciated.
Tv pilot- longline:
Suburban adolescent Dawn Langston, 17, is sent to live with her irresponsible uncle and dysfunctional family in a rough neighborhood while dealing with school, friends and love.
Feature film- logline:
Hired as a bodyguard, ex-convict, Quincy Powers falls helplessly in love with the same woman responsible for putting him behind bars.
Are the descriptions too much? Should I change the wording in any way?
Thanks
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Your feature film sounds super interesting but I would rewrite it with a focus on the main struggle... like 'while an ex convict struggles with... he hopelessly falls in love with the woman who put him behind bars.'' something like that (:
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Both sound intriguing and make me want to know more—a fantastic way to open the door!!
Awesome! Thank you both! That sounds way better David! I agree. That’s what I want to hear Lauren lol. Let’s me know I’m on the right path.
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Ask yourself What, why, when, and where. If it answers those 4 questions, you have met the main requirements. They both sound intriguing.
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For the TV pilot logline, I'd change it to: A suburban adolescent is sent to live with her uncle's dysfunctional family in the ghetto. The "while dealing with school, friends and love" is extraneous and unnecessarily lengthens the logline.
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LaQuita Langhorn, You are going to what to ask yourself how is your story different than the hundreds of other scripts and series already out there with the same premise. Then make yours different, edgy and uniquely you
Thank thank you this is such great feedback! I appreciate it all. Yes that makes sense to make it stand out and be edgy!
The protagonist has only been released into society for a month. His daughter’s mother overdoses leaving her to be caught up in the system and he not only needs money to prove he has stability but he also needs to prove he is not a rapier (which he needs the main female lead to help with; hence the reason why he ends up taking the job he doesn’t want to). The main female lead needs to keep her reputation as a good person so of course she wants to prevent the protagonist from having the world see her true colors and stop supporting her products. I should probably include that he’s racing against time to get custody of his daughter. And the lead protagonist cannot have children so being around the daughter is what builds their relationship as well
A general theme (though not always right and can be amended) is: When XX, he/she must XX, in order to XX.
With that in mind:
When an ex-convict is hired as a bodyguard, bullets to the heart aren’t his biggest worry as he starts falling in love with the woman that put him behind bars.
When a naive suburban teenager is sent to live with her uncle’s dysfunctional family, she has to learn life from scratch in order to survive adolescent life in the ghetto.
Play around and feel free to break from the basic theme:
Struggling to gain custody of his daughter, an ex-convict takes a job as a bodyguard, but dodging arrows is more important than bullets when a spark ignites with the woman that put him away in the first place.
Loglines can be hard and take a lot of messing around. Both sound interesting though, so good luck!