Hey everyone,
I’d love to get some thoughts on the logline for my 60-minute action-drama TV series, Seven Sons. It’s set in a post-apocalyptic world where ruling families hoard the last remnants of lost technology, and a deadly weapon reignites a blood feud that threatens to reshape the balance of power.
Logline:
In a fractured, semi-dystopian world ruled by feuding families, a secret weapon ignites a deadly conflict between two powerful houses, forcing a shadowed son and a fiery heir to navigate political intrigue, family loyalty, and rebellion in a battle for survival and dominance.
I’m currently refining the concept and would love feedback on the logline—does it grab you? Would you want to watch this? Any suggestions for making it stronger?
Also, if anyone has experience pitching or developing high-concept TV series, I’d love to hear your thoughts on positioning this for the right audience.
Thanks in advance! Looking forward to your insights.
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Hey, Nhlanhla Mthembu. Seven Sons sounds exciting! I’d definitely watch the series. The logline grabs me, but I think “political intrigue” is vague.
You could enter a Stage 32 contest (www.stage32.com/scriptservices/contests). If you win a contest or place as a Finalist, Stage 32 will send your work to agents and literary managers who are seeking new talent. If you don't see contests that fit your projects, keep an eye on the Contest Page. Stage 32 will be adding more contests.
You could also pitch your pilot to executives, managers, etc. through Stage 32's Pitch Sessions (www.stage32.com/scriptservices/pitch-sessions). The Pitch Sessions are mainly to get feedback on pitches, but members have gotten managers, signed shopping agreements, etc. through the sessions (www.stage32.com/scriptservices/success-stories).
Stage 32 published a blog called “10 Tips to Nail Your Next TV Pitch” a few months ago you might want to check out. www.stage32.com/blog/10-tips-to-nail-your-next-tv-pitch-3885
Stage 32 also has a written pitch example for the TV series The Boys. You could model your written pitch after it. Email success@stage32.com to get the pitch example. Or I can email it to you.
And here are two Lounge posts with pitch advice:
www.stage32.com/lounge/screenwriting/Pitch-Advice
www.stage32.com/lounge/screenwriting/Pitching-44
Also, do you have a series bible? It can help when you pitch your series. Yesterday’s blog was about series bibles. www.stage32.com/blog/tv-series-bibles-that-every-television-writer-shoul...
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Romeo & Juliet... with guns... Yes, I would watch it...
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Nhlanhla Mthembu premise sounds intriguing. My thoughts on the logline are:
1) You might be better off simply with the descriptor "dystopian", rather than "fractured, semi-dystopian". "Semi" feels wishy-washy or non-committal, and I think that if it's dystopian, then "fractured" feels redundant and unnecessary.
2) Might be good to change "world" to "future", assuming this is set in the future for two reasons - one, it does give the reader a sense of when this is happening and two, it would be punchier to open with "In a dystopian future ruled by feuding families...".
3) The terms "shadowed son" and "fiery heir" are too vague. Give them more definite qualities that help inform their character to the reader. Is he a "slighted son", a "neglected son", etc.? And is the heir an "unpredictable heir", a "territorial heir", etc.?
4) Is the secrecy of the weapon the most intriguing aspect of it, or the best descriptor? It sounds like this might be some incredibly powerful weapon from their past, like a nuclear missile or something. And from your note, "Deadly" doesn't hit hard enough, as most weapons are deadly. Also, it might be worth hinting at whether the "deadly" stakes are in reference to just the members of the feuding houses, or whether this could potentially impact the entire world.
Assuming these are reasonable suggestions, this version of the logline would be something like:
"In a dystopian future ruled by feuding families, a powerful weapon from the past is unearthed, forcing a slighted son and an unpredictable heir to navigate political intrigue, family loyalty, and societal rebellion, and threatening the survival of the entire world."
Like I said, the premise sounds interesting. These are just my thoughts on rewriting the logline.
Hope this helps,
- Paul
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Paul Guidry Thank you so much for the advice, it definitely helps.
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Shortened it a bit for you can compare.
In a semi-dystopian world a shadowed son and a fiery heir seek to dominate through political intrigue, family loyalty and rebellion, always fully aware that only the strongest will survive.
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Hello, yes I would watch it. Follow Paul's advice and you find yourself on the right track. Good luck with your story