Two roommates both diagnosed with schizophrenia go on a road trip that will change their financial situation and outlook on life for the rest of their lives.
Screenwriting : Feedback on my log line by Matthew Olson
Other topics in Screenwriting:
Check out Trending Discussions
Register / Log In
1 person likes this
Sounds interesting, Matthew Olson. I suggest changing "both diagnosed" to "diagnosed." And I suggest adding the inciting incident and what they do on the trip.
You're very clear what it is about, but yes, more details might be good.
Two fierce roommates, suffering from schizophrenia, go on a suicidal road trip where theft of a drug delivery improves their financial situation for the rest of their short lives.
3 people like this
I'd be more specific about the "financial situation" that will change. "....that can make their fortune" for example.
3 people like this
I’d reword the last part so you don’t have life and lives so close together. Sounds like an interesting story!
2 people like this
Why are they on a road trip? Where are they going? Why do they need to get there and what happens if they don’t? What stands in their way?
If you can answer those questions, you’ve got objective, obstacles, and stakes. Put those in your logline. If you can’t answer those questions, your script may need a rewrite.
3 people like this
My take:
"Two roommates diagnosed with schizophrenia go on a road trip that and realize it could bring them fortune and a new outlook on life."
I tried to make it brisker and without repeating similar words.
1 person likes this
Your idea is very good.. the appropriate music composition would also fit.
2 people like this
Wow - I'm not great polishing loglines but I like this one. Feels like it's full of twists and turns!