I've written a small scale horror script. Usually I go with smaller, direct loglines and despite it getting lots of people to look at it I keep thinking there's should be more there.
THE PACK: Some nights they come in to towns to feed. Don't let them find you.
In the world of the story it was proven several years ago that packs of brutal, animalistic vampires were hunting across country. They are small in number yet very dangerous and once there is proof that they are in a city, usually by the bodies being found, a Crimson Alert will sound. When it is made official you shelter in place. Businesses lock up, lights go out, stay inside and try and survive the night. On this night a group of college students is locked in a used book store when the alert is called. Some of them know each other, some are strangers, but they must band together to try and survive until sun up.
Any thoughts on a better logline for that?
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This leans tagline: THE PACK: Some nights they come in to towns to feed. Don't let them find you.
Trapped in a used bookstore during a citywide Crimson Alert, a mismatched group of students fight to survive a night where a pack of feral vampires hunt them.
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I can't wait to watch The Pack, @Bill! I like the tagline. Great logline, @E! You could use your logline as the short synopsis, @Bill. I suggest adding the ending though.
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Sounds like a cool horror story. I've been working on my logline too and breaking it down with the following guidelines: 1)WHO 2) GOAL 3) STAKES 4) OBSTACLE and 5) IRONY. So based on your synopsis, your logline would look like this: "During a Crimson Alert, a group of college students trapped in a bookstore must outsmart a pack of feral vampires hunting the city, or die before sunrise." I couldn't extract the irony out of your synopsis but there is probably one there.
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Your logline screams - TLDR (Too long, don't read). Try this:
"In a brutal world where animalistic vampires hunt at night, a group of college students, locked in a used book store, must survive the undead and each other until sun up."
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Another very short Logline from Bill. It's kind of his trademark. It's almost there, Bill. At the moment it's more of a Tagline.
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total noob here. as i understand it, an industry facing logline—meant to entice a producer—can contain some spoilers so that the entire concept is clear, correct? it’s not audience facing such that, for a movie with some twists, you’re basically only revealing what’s in the first act?
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Yes James. That's also why I never post Loglines on a public forum; I put them in a pitch. Actually, I never post synopses or screenplays either.
thanks david! so for example if one of the kids locked in the shop in Bill’s post was secretly a vampire you definitely don’t want the audience to know but you probably want to spoiler that in a producer facing pitch?
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I threw it in Chat GPT and this came out… “When a Crimson Alert seals a college town inside its homes as proof emerges that a roaming pack of feral, predatory vampires has entered the city, a mismatched group of students trapped in a used bookstore must overcome fear, distrust, and their own secrets to work together and survive until sunrise—because in the dark, the monsters outside may not be the only threat.” I like some parts of it but probably a little too wordy. I am definitely digging the concept though. good luck with the script!
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If it's a hook or twist that'll get a producer, director, etc. interested in reading your script, I suggest putting it in your logline, James LO.
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A group of college students locked in a used book store fight for their survival, facing the worst nightmare haunted by the cruel animalistic vampires . How about this little longline?
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Keep in mind your logline shouldn't be a synopsis. It’s essential a one sentence elevator pitch designed to get someone to buy or read the rest of your materials. I would make this the entire logline: At night they come into town to feed. Don't let them find you. This will make the right person want to know more.
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I like the concept- a bit of Night of the Living Dead/Purge meets College Kids on Campus. Here's a logline idea- When a Crimson Alert seals a college town against a pack of feral vampires, a mismatched group of students trapped in a used bookstore must overcome distrust and their own dangerous secrets to survive until sunrise.
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This looks similar to the movie The Mist. A great idea, but the concept could be elevated.
For example, what is the main character’s goal? If he’s heading to his mother’s place despite the apocalypse, that’s one story. If he’s trapped there with a girl he wants to seduce, that’s a different story.
Who are these students? Maybe they’re all from a wealthy college with respectable parents, or maybe they’re a group of high school misfits, and a beautiful girl just happens to be with them.
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Bill Albert That's awesome Bill, kudos for this really cool script! The logline should be way shorter, and I know it is so challenging to put all the amazing things into a longish one sentence, but the thing I have found that helps ( because I have the same issue sometimes ), I imagine myself talking to a trusted friend, someone I love talking to, could be anyone, even an imaginary friend, the point is, someone who you love talking to, who always makes you confident and happy, and imagine they ask you, "Give me a one sentence logline of your script?" It's an exercise in getting out of the "should, do, force, nerves, fear" of getting the logline right.
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Omar Barnes brilliant post, and suggestion.
you’ve made me realise, the reason I’m grappling with my own logline is, I’m trying to craft a two sentence synopsis of a short film with, paradoxically, a lot of moving parts—the task is Herculean!
but of course that’s not what it should be, at all! I’d lost sight of the proverbial forest…
from now on i need to keep reminding myself:
elevator pitch
elevator pitch
elevator pitch
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James - yes, that’s my take on the thing. A Logline is for a producer - sell the script - marketeers write a marketing one. But I always write Taglines, those are for the audience/anybody.
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Having said the above, here are a couple of examples of my Taglines:
‘A girl has appetites’ - Sci-fi, ‘Not Zombie’, Drama TV Series Pilot.
‘All laws are unjust, all business is stealing, only the guilty are innocent’ Major fraud, con-artist, terrorism, action movie.
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David Taylor i love your con artist tagline. vibes of 1984’s propaganda/ mind-control mantras
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Thank you so much for all your comments. Sorry it took so long for me to sort through everything but it helped be put together something bigger and up the tension in the story a bit.
Trapped in a used bookstore during a citywide Crimson Alert, a mismatched group of students fight to survive the night when a pack of feral, animalistic, vampires hunt for food. Not all of them will survive, but they all will change after fighting to overcome distrust brought out by the worst demons both outside the building and within.
You're welcome, Bill Albert. Your logline is better, but it's still really long (58 words). I suggest using one sentence if you can, and I suggest keeping your logline to 35 words or less/around 35 words. Long loglines can make producers, directors, etc. pass on a project.
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The first sentence is essentially mine:
Trapped in a used bookstore during a citywide Crimson Alert, a mismatched group of students fight to survive the night when a pack of feral, animalistic, vampires hunt for food.
VS.
Trapped in a used bookstore during a citywide Crimson Alert, a mismatched group of students fight to survive a night where a pack of feral vampires hunt them.
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Looking better Bill, but I agree with Maurice and would recommend condensing it a bit further down.