Screenwriting : Seeking Feedback on My Logline – Poetic Drama About Exile and Love by Saad Hmaidawi

I like the concept, Saad Hmaidawi. I suggest telling what the tragedy is.

“…a misunderstanding leads to his murder, and she discovers the truth too late.”

I think that's better, Saad Hmaidawi, but who's the protagonist and what's their goal?

I like, Saad Hmaidawi.

Thank you for that clarification. The protagonist is the orphaned young man, whose goal is to rise above his circumstances and build a stable future — both financially and emotionally. I see now that I need to make his objective more explicit in the logline.

You're welcome, Saad Hmaidawi. Okay, thanks for explaining. I was confused by "she discovers the truth too late." I thought she might've been the protagonist. I don't think you need that part.

"A brilliant young man raised in an orphanage fights to build a future from nothing, but when the woman he loves believes he betrayed her and leaves him, the misunderstanding leads to his murder."

Good work in a logline that clearly signals high stakes and emotional devastation. It is, however, too generalized — “violent misunderstanding,” “tragedy,” and “irreversible loss” are emotionally loaded yet vague. It makes the premise feel familiar rather than specific.

The protagonist has a strong foundation (brilliant, orphanage, building from nothing), but we don’t know what he actually does, or about this world. The plot engine therefore is abstract.

The romantic rupture is compelling, yet the causal chain isn’t concrete. What exactly is the misunderstanding, and how does it escalate to violence? The logline needs sharper specificity about the world, the betrayal, and how the loss is irreversible.

Thank you for that clarification. The protagonist is the orphaned young man, whose goal is to rise above his circumstances and build a stable future — both financially and emotionally. I see now that I need to make his objective more explicit in the logline.

There's nothing in that logline that's interesting at all. There's nothing that indicates who anyone even is.

I’d be a little less blunt than that, but yes what we’ve heard so far is too vague.

How is our main character “building a future”? Buying real estate, teaching schoolchildren, or selling drugs? A potential reader wants to know what “world” we’ll be in for this script. It helps to know the profession for our character.