Screenwriting : Log Line Critique by Christopher Hart

Make your logline in the PRESENT and use active verbs .

"A husband and wife must rescue a fallen cop from Hell, and discover the power of noumenon, before Satan claims their souls."

No one knows what noumenon means. Only use words/ideas that are familiar and will spark interest. Your logline is the very first attempt to pique the interest of producers/agents/managers and it has to be accessible, intriguing, familiar but unique.

I agree with Michael. Anything in this biz needs to expressed as something a ten year old would grasp. Also, as expressed, the story isn't sparking any interest for me (sorry). If the husband and/or wife are doing this to get out of some sort of trouble themselves, then it starts to become intriguing. But right now, it's just: Good people battle bad people to help someone. To that, a producer may very well say, "So what."

Thanks Guys. How's this: "A husband and wife, must spiritually become one to escape Hell, but Satan rains human bodies from the sky, to stop them"

No story.

Okay, so there's a thread of a "story" and a different one than I thought. Why must it be a husband and wife? And THIS husband and wife? Don't understand the "human bodies from the sky" reference. There's a cop, right? The Devil. And this couple. How are they connected?

@ Christopher. A logline needs: As few words as possible. Active verbs. A complication. I like to write versions an mix them up. Example... " An atheist family struggle to protect a fallen police officer, from the Devil." Let's up the stakes... " A barren, atheist couple battle to protect a missing child, from her father... The Devil." combined... " A family of atheist's struggle to protect a fallen police officer, from his own father... the Devil." Then spin it off... Hope this helps.

Julio, Marv's message: realize many stories at once. Think ADD not OCD.

Thanks.

Great story line for a popcorn movie and I love it. Straight after Christmas I release the 2nd in the Shroud over Paradise series and I will most likely throw a spanner in the works for Vampire movies and what you have just mentioned if it gets the publicity I dream of of.

Thanks Graham. I appreciate everyone who commented on my post. Marvin, you're a genius. I have a complex story, that a 2 sentence logline is hard for me to find. I won't quit, I will find one that will satisfy everyone.

I re-wrote it. I hope it's a little bit better.

@Hank-This is a love story. The cop is a stakes character, and also the inciting incident. He's the person that the couple must rescue to complete their story arc. The Raining bodies are a metaphor for people entering Hell.

Screenwriting books I learn from. Much screenwriting data on line and screenwriting courses on line I work with. Evidently, Christopher, you are not reading the same material I am. "Screenwriting is a craft one masters well practiced, even as a disciplined artisan," HMJ. Good luck, and as they say, good luck is 98% preparation. Best to ya. Peace,

"An atheist family struggles to protect a fallen police officer from the Devil." (not sure why there was a comma there originally). I think Marvin's suggestion is a great start. There's a hint - only a hint - of the conflict: Atheist family finds themselves in a God-vs.-Devil arena. That's cool. Perhaps find an active stake for the couple, not just a potential moral or religious epiphany. Why does the couple focus on this one person? Don't add lots of words - this'll have to be clever to remain elegant.

The comma was to emphasize the antagonist. The couple aren't atheist. They were sent to save the cop, by God; so they can resolve a lingering issue they had, when they were alive.

The more I listen too your thoughts on this story of yours the more potential it seems to generate. If I wan'ts having a hectic pace with my media commitments for the coming weeks I would be trying my hardest to pinch it from you. Again you look to have the three main ingredients the beginning, middle and the end.All you have to do is fill in those gaps and I believe you could be on a winner.

Honestly, lose the comma and have the couple be atheists. Why? WAY more interesting than them having a "lingering issue." Just MHO.

@Graham, Thanks. Complex stories are hard to bog down into 2 sentences, but, that's my job. I just realized that Hank and Marvin suggested that my protagonist are atheist-I know their using it as an example, but, Maybe I can use that to fill it in.

No charge bro. Happy to help. Who's next? LOL!

@Hank, Trust me when I say, if the only thing standing in the way of this movie being green lit, is making the protagonists atheist, then that's a granted request. The reason they're not that now, is because God sent them on this rescue mission, and because the wife of the cop wept to Jesus for the second chance, which becomes the inciting incident. The resolution of the A story for the protagonist is to become, one body, soul, and heart, because their soul-mates. That fusion is the climax, which has never been seen before in cinema; yet, most people on Earth believe that there is one person you can spend all of eternity with, in the most perfect way.

@Marvin, your payment for helping me, is real simple. When I can green light, or you need a meeting, you got it.

Christopher, there are very few things that have "never before been seen in cinema". And there are some things that probably have never before been seen in cinema, such as a squirrel eating a fish, that no one is interested in seeing. The comma HAS to go. It's simply not grammatically correct. Don't ask for help if you're not going to listen. Period. And let's suppose you keep your original story, but make the couple atheists at first. It's much more dramatic to see the couples change into believers by being engaged in this spiritual war. You seem to be forgetting what Jesus said: "You MUST be born again." We are all atheists at some point. If you are going to write a story about Christianity, you need to know it well enough so that your inner light shines radiantly. Finally, a story has to interest your audience. Just because you like the story means nothing if your audience doesn't. Why should I or anyone else pay to see a movie about what you like? I pay to see movies that I like, and most people do. And to convince any funding source to "show you the money", you're going to have to convince that source you have a commercially viable idea.

It wouldn't make sense to have them be non believers at first because God gave them a mission, to go to Hell, and retrieve someone.

@Christopher: It COULD make sense if they're not initially aware of who sourced the mission. And that notion could also add an additional story element. Not trying to second-guess God, but if there's a lesson-bearing goal to be reached, it would make sense that God, or an agent therefrom, would not simply come out and say, "You're atheists and I'm going to fix that by sending you on a mission which will turn you both into believers." No one of their mindset would go. Nor would that be an interesting story to follow. And it's okay to let metaphor command a story. It's how we dream. :-)

You guys really want this atheist thing. Listen, I agree it could make sense, because I know I can write it, the problem I have is, how can atheist survive being in Hell without faith in God? Their relationship problem only occur because they're there. The environment is slowly bringing back some things that was forgiven when they were on Earth.

You really don't get it, do you? You could have the atheists change either on the initial meeting with God, or somewhat later, like Jonah did when he finally set out on his Nineveh assignment after being swallowed by a whale. How can an atheist survive being in Hell without faith in God? How can you ask such a ridiculous question? By GRACE, which is much more important than faith. If we were to be saved by faith alone, very few of us would make it. Christopher, you may not be ready to write this story. You are clearly have a long, long way to go on your spiritual journey. If you want to be a good spokesperson and "salesperson" for the Lord, you have to know your product much better than you do now. I would also point out the parable of the Prodigal Son. That story is a lot more riveting than a story about the other son, who stayed home and never needed to learn his lesson. Great stories, just like great journeys, are memorable for both their spiritual and actual distance covered.

I fear that, and I know I'm not ready. I'm just using my imagination. I have a question, how do you visualize grace? How do you show that on screen, and make it simple for the audience?

I hate too sound too preachy, but the context of your script demands it. God knows where all stories will end. In your story, there are two redemptions: (1) those saved from Hell (and who are actually there); and (2) the couple who are on the road to Hell until God sends them on this journey, where they eventually learn that in saving others, they are also saved. If God knows where all stories will end, why wouldn't He extend forgiveness in advance?

You show someone receiving something that the audience knows they don't deserve. And then you show the look of humility on the faces of the recipients as they, too, realize they received something they didn't deserve. And that's just one way. Look in the mirror right now. That's the visualization of grace. You didn't deserve this, but you got it anyways.

It's OK. The couple aren't on the road to Hell. They were already saved, and in Heaven. No one in film is on Earth, except for the cop's wife, who prayed to God to redeem her husband. That's why they were given this mission, also it gives them a chance to become one soul again, if they succeed.

Hey, you do realize that God wanted us to have this conversation, and it confirms that I'm suppose to write this, right? I do understand I still have much to learn, and they say a writer should writer what they know, but sometimes a little imagination can strengthen the work. Thanks for the time, and I would like to update you as I progress.

1. I have no doubt that God wanted us to have this conversation. Everything in this universe happens for a reason: either God approves of it or He accepts it (in the sense, "go ahead and do it your way and see what happens"). 2. I don't know that it is confirmation that God wants you to write this. You have to answer that based upon what is in your heart. You have a lot of homework to do. Get out a Bible and start reading. No script is any good unless is has been thoroughly researched. Now, I have several more pitches to write and send in. You've taken up a lot of my time, for which you will never be able to repay me.

I appreciate your time, trust me on that, and you have my word, it will be done properly. Thanks again.

Christopher, one exercise that might be helpful (at least on here) is to list three bullet points that define what about this story and/or its characters will entice a general audience to want to watch the film unfold. None of the bullet points should contain your opinion on anything - they should simply be facts. See what sort of response you get.

1- A couple charged with rescuing someone, but their problem could cause them to fail. ( What if Neo from the Matrix, was already in a rocky relationship with Trinity, and that interfered with him becoming the One) 2- Defeating the antagonist would show what, the ultimate reason is, for why people stay in romantic relationships. (At the end of Titanic, when Rose finally died, it failed to show, what many people believe to the moment of amalgamation between two soul mates). 3- The reward of self reconciliation within a character, will inspire us to do the same. ( In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart's character, didn't trust himself around the female lead, forgive me, I forget the specifics of his internal struggle, but, I do remember what happened when he let it go, it lead to the most memorial line in movie history). I hope I did it right.

How about this for a logline: When an atheist couple is approached by a mysterious stranger, they set off to save another couple, imprisoned in Hell by Satan, in order to show that atheists can do just as good as true believers can. What they don't know is who the stranger really is.

This story is an exposure of the faults within me. I believe that a story should be personal, in some way, and show all sides of who we are. The cop is an atheist, but, he's just the B/story.

For what it's worth your best logline was what you originally wrote. Yes, make it present tense. And make the problem clear and concise so we care about whether or not the protagonists find the solution

As always, less is more. Goodluck!

@Patrick, your opinion is worth a lot, everybody's opinion. I know no one had to take interest. Thanks.

It also comes from someone who hasn't posted any loglines so far.

To a starving person, less is seldom more.

"Goodluck" should be "Good luck" above.

Isn't that the point of a logline, to get a starving person to read the script, or watch the movie?

No, the point of a logline is to interest someone with many other choices to read the script. Christopher, has it occurred to you that you are spending a lot more time discussing writing a logline than actually doing it?

I've been changing it constantly. Can you see the last one? It's a process, that is never ending until someone other than me say so, because I know the story, so every logline I write, I can see the movie. Something is going on here, that needs to be revealed . When do you stop listening to other people, and believe that your work is good enough? I think it's until someone who wants to pay for it, says it's not.

Where's your latest version?

"Too many cooks spoil the broth." "A camel is a horse designed by a committee." Get the point? Stop listening to others and start listening to your heart and soul.

"On a rescue mission in hell, an estranged couple battles death, to win a chance for reconciliation" It's all there, beginning, middle and end, goal, antagonist, protagonist. Action, supernatural thrills, and romance.

If you're happy with it, then you can start work on something new.

Several questions arise IMHO... 1. Why agree to go to hell for reconciliation? Wouldn't counseling be less of a risk? 2. Is death the antagonist or something else? Also, the pay off needs to come at the end. Like a good joke. example... "In exchange for reconciliation, an estranged couple agrees to rescue a cop... FROM HELL." There's NO real romance. Unless... "In exchange for second chance with his grieving wife, a dead man agrees to rescue a fallen angel... from Hell."

Marvin, look through this thread. Christopher is a lot like Hamlet - he can't decide what to do and he doesn't know who to listen to.

I could be wrong, but it seems as if there are really two discussions underway here: (1) the log line and (2) the story. The log line really doesn't have to explain the "why" of it, just the "what." If the reader has trouble believing the "what" based on the log line, that's another issue which speaks to the credibility (believability) of the story. Meaning no disrespect to Marvin, why the couple chooses to make the trek versus seeking counseling can be set up in the story. The inciting incident of any story can always be reverse engineered to create a believable context. We may not agree with the character's choices, but as long as it works in the story (i.e. we buy into it) then I think it's probably okay.

@Hank, I have that explanation of "why" in the story, it's linked to the prize if they succeed. The original story haven't changed much, since I posted this log line. I did a little research, and I'm back on track. It's this logline that must be understood, easily. "On a rescue mission to save an atheist cop, an estranged couple battles the Grim Reaper, and infidelity, in Hell."

@Hank - My issue is that a good log-line helps you visualize the possibilities of the script. If I'm asking such questions, it's because I'm not convinced it's working. a logline HAS to pique interest or it's dead from the get go. MAKE IT DYNAMIC!!! I'm not trying to dictate/write it for Christopher, merely weighing in with ideas.

@Marvin, If they battle infidelity, wouldn't that suggest they're fighting for romance?

I am still following this story when I should be concentrating on my next novel due to be released in April in London. What ever your dream is, do it because no one knows the truth about heaven and hell. I have also copped a barrage of complaints from the Rose of Jennifer out late next week because I explain what I think happens when you die. like most writers you often wonder where all your stories come from so I blame my demons. If they know more than me then so let it be and if the reader and hope one day the viewer doesn't agree then that's OK with me. So Chris it's your baby continue on with it.

Love can be your thematic premise, but romance and infidelity in hell? Is one of them having an affair with a demon/devil? Both elements are confusing and seem a little out of place. Apending too much time on this and I'm removing myself from this thread. What is clear, is that your story is not yet coherent, if it was, the log-line would reflect that. Best advice I can offer is to get writing.

@Marvin, Thanks. @Graham, it'll be over soon. Thanks for the interest.

Christopher, your comma placement is still "less than optimal".

I agree Marvin. The main purpose of a logline is to summarize the story as quickly as possible and make it stand apart from others in a truly dramatic way.

Battling infidelity could imply also fighting for chastity, or abstinence, like an ideal monk or nun.

@James, I agree with the commas. It does look horrible.

Most of the time, you only need them when you would pause when reading the sentence.