I used InkTip's Logline Lab (http://inktip.com/loglinelab_step1.php ) and I have to admit, I think it did an excellent job. Here is the result: "When a top secret naval weapon is stolen, a young and talented dolphin handler uses his animals and their unique talents to stop a rogue Navy commander bent on using the weapon to ignite WWIII." Basically it asked if it's story or character driven. Then I had to plug in the inciting event, the main character description and what the main character is trying to stop. Simple.
Screenwriting : I thought I had a good logline but then... by Allen Lawrence
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Yup, looks a great deal like my template which I've been teaching for years. But that's a good logline!
Thanks Danny for the excellent template!
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Much, much better Alan. Good work
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Alan.. Thanks for sharing this info on InkTip.
Think of the Logline as the TV Guide summary of your film. Your Logline sounds good and it's definitely story driven.
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Great, but would hit the thesaurus to find more suitable or even more specific words for 'weapons' and 'talents' as they, or their variants, have been already used in sentence.
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Reduce words. "A top secret naval weapon is stolen, a patriotic dolphin handler uses his animals and their unique talents to stop a rogue Navy commander before he starts WWIII."
"When a top-secret naval weapon is stolen, a specially trained dolphin handler uses his animals and their unquie abilities to stop a rogue Navy Commander from starting WWIII"
I'd still drop "when" but "specially trained" is still awkward. I'd search further for one word.
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Spec-op's...Special Operations.... courageous....talented....just trying to help
Yes, Alle i owe everyone a drink when it sells too. It is really a team with Collins as main character so you hit the nail on head. Collins as leader is blamed for the fallout.
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Loglines!! Why do they have to be so important? They seem to take longer to figure out than writing the whole dang script. And the more I research, the more confused I get. I paid for help from Ms. Kramer (the queen of pitching and loglines in LA) and her template is: This is a (genre- action/adventure thriller) where "Blockbuster A (Hunger Games) meets Blockbuster B (Act of Valor) when protagonist (a young valedictorian) must (goal- escape with no outside help) from (antagonist - a smoke and mirrors drug lord) who has her imprisoned in an abandon monastery in the Colombian mountains. (situation). Then Dan Hoffman says that one reeks of amateurism. "Never compare your script to a blockbuster - that's way too presumptive and is also instructing a producer on how he should think. In other words it stinks of amateurism. Hoffman believes a logline should be simple as possible i.e. "Save the Cat" books. "A young girl escapes from a drug lord on her own." So: Alan, I'm thinking your logline could be reduced to: A dolphin handler is brought in to retrieve a stolen top secret naval weapon from a rogue commander with sinister plans. Anybody else? Please share if you've found a style that has worked or has received compliments. I feel I'm still drifting in limbo.
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Save the movie comparisons for the synopsis. Like Alle said they have to be simple to the point and make you want to read it. Why not "A Special Ops dolphin trainer is called in to stop a rogue Naval Commander from starting WW3 with a stolen top secret weapon." The military is never going to use someone like this unless they're also a top secret weapon in their own right.
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Loglines are more difficult to write than the scripts!!!
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Loglines ARE writing a 110 page script.... in one sentence... ;)
I think 2 is acceptable. As long as their not run ons.
Alle, agreed!